Ranking Every NBA No. 1 Overall Pick Since 2010 Based Solely On Their Terrible Off The Court Decisions

This week, Deandre Ayton was seen playing with a porn star on Instagram adding to a growing list of former number one picks who cannot stop saying or doing weird stuff off the court. That spot is almost cursed these days. A player gets drafted no. 1 overall and there’s a 90% chance he’s going to be issuing a notes app apology at some point in his career.

Unfortunately, Blake Griffin was drafted in 2009 or else he would 1000% be in the Top 5 here. Google ‘Blake Griffin child support’.

Anyway, let’s rank number one picks based on their terrible off the court decisions:

14. Anthony Bennett (2013 Cleveland Cavaliers)

I don’t think I’ve ever heard Anthony Bennett’s voice. I’m not entirely sure what he looks like. I’m not even adding a picture of this man. We’re a few years away from the Mandela effect kicking in and we all realize Anthony Bennett never existed.

13. Cade Cunningham

The bad news: Cade Cunningham hasn’t played many games so far in his NBA career.

The good news: Cade Cunningham hasn’t played enough games to make him famous enough to be preyed upon by Brazzers alumni.

12. Paolo Banchero

I wouldn’t say Paolo Banchero has made any ‘terrible’ off-the-court decisions but there was that strange beef between him and Dejounte Murray from a pro-am basketball game last offseason. But in hindsight, it was more of Dejounte Murray being a weirdo. Banchero seems cool and laid back outside of whatever the hell was going on in that high school gym.

11. Andrew Wiggins

Andrew Wiggins is the most interesting player on this list because he has personally never said or done anything wrong but from day one, he has been treated less than. He was the number one pick of the Cavaliers and immediately shipped off to Minnesota for Kevin Love because LeBron James was coming back home and didn’t like playing with young guys.

In Minnesota, he was treated like a special needs kid out there with no clue how to play basketball while collecting meaningless stats for a franchise seemingly disinterested in winning basketball games.

Doris Burke went IN on Andrew Wiggins’ passivity last night when Karl-Anthony Towns was on the bench with foul trouble. pic.twitter.com/1Pyfd9krxH

— Lior (@LiorKozai) January 19, 2019

Get his ass, Doris.

Even this past season, Wiggins went missing for months and no one knew why. Shout out to the Golden State Warriors for protecting his privacy but yea, Andrew Wiggins has had a strange career.

10. Anthony Davis

You know what’s nuts? The NBA media talks so recklessly about AD like Charles Barkley calling him street clothes but Davis has really done nothing wrong or said anything crazy. The worst thing he’s ever done is get injured and he’s treated like a villain.

I guess demanding a trade out of New Orleans made him a bad guy for geriatric NBA media guys who think players refusing to stick around and waste their careers playing for organizations with no idea how to acquire winning players or coaches but who actually cares? James Harden requests a trade every week. It makes my job more interesting.

9. Deandre Ayton

Deandre Ayton, you freaky little frog. The Phoenix Suns just traded the remainder of their roster for Bradley Beal which means it’s Durant, Booker, Beal and Ayton vs. Everyone next season. And Ayton is spending the most important offseason of his career brushing a porn star’s hair like she’s a My Little Pony doll.

Deandre Ayton🤔 These NBA players can’t stay away from the pornstars 👀🤣

pic.twitter.com/Tk7wDJJaoa

— My Mixtapez (@mymixtapez) August 28, 2023

This is a sick negro.

8. Anthony Edwards

Anthony Edwards has been fined $50k for throwing a chair and accidentally hitting some fans. He was fined $40k for using a gay slur on Instagram. And worst of all, he was a dick to Bo Cruz in that Adam Sandler movie.

7. Markelle Fultz

Markelle Fultz is a difficult player to judge because I still cannot figure out who is more to blame for his shooting motion turning to shit. Part of me wants to blame Fultz for getting to the NBA and suddenly trying to over-adjust his whole game to live up to the hype of being a number one pick but on the other end, the Sixers may have overlooked a nerve injury in Fultz’s shoulder that forced him to change his shooting motion.

6. John Wall

I am realizing John Wall hasn’t really done anything wrong at all but he has to be on this list because he’s a number one pick. He used to hit the Dougie in the pre-game and one time he jumped on the scorer’s table celebrating a first-round win over the Boston Celtics once.

John Wall is actually the coolest and most normal guy on this list whose career was robbed by injuries. We will always have that John Wall/Demarcus Cousins Kentucky team. Remember when basketball players used to be cool?

5. Karl-Anthony Towns

Every time KAT gets a microphone or camera in his face, he says the weirdest shit. He claims people will look back at his career and say he’s changed the sport but he isn’t even good enough to change the outcomes of the games he’s playing in.

It’s almost scary how little self-awareness this dork has. The man claimed his team winning a play-in game was a bigger achievement than the Denver Nuggets winning the NBA Championship. The Timberwolves used their no. 1 overall pick on a guy who thinks scoring 20 points a night and sneaking into the 8th seed makes him one of the greatest players of all time.

If KAT wasn’t in the NBA, he’d 1000% be in prison for being a failed scammer.

4. Victor Wembanyama

Wembanyama hasn’t played a single minute in the NBA and he’s already gone through a war with Britney Spears and her fans. At this rate, Wemby is on pace to fist-fight a Nicki Minaj Barb by next summer and get kidnapped by someone in Beyonce’s Bey Hive before his rookie contract is up.

3. Ben Simmons

Ben Simmons has become the third rail of NBA discourse as the mere mention of his name turns people into Ben Stiller in Dodgeball-level haters. Simmons’s reluctance to shoot from the perimeter makes analysts want to put a bag over his head, drop him off in a warehouse, tie him to a chair and put a gun to his head. Personally, I think he’s one of the best defenders in the league and it’s strange to demand a specific skill from a 7-footer that we historically have never required them to be capable of.

But most importantly, for the sake of this list, Ben Simmons has dated Tinashe, Brittany Renner and Kendall Jenner. Just an exponentially better list than the next guy on this list.

2. Zion Williamson

This summer, Zion got an OnlyFans model pregnant only for his porn star girlfriend to come out and rant on Twitter for about 72 hours straight about all of the promises Zion made to her. There were some other girls who came out saying Zion made promises to them as well.

Zion has all the physical tools to be one of the greatest basketball players of all time and instead, he’s begging Instagram models for pussy while he’s waiting at the back of the Chik Fil A drive-thru line.

1. Kyrie Irving

Kyrie Irving is the living embodiment of what actually happens when you tell someone to ‘do your own research’. Kyrie has convinced himself that every single thing is a conspiracy and only he knows the truth about what’s really going on out here. Africans are the real Jews. The vaccine is the devil.

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