thelesterlee
This will be my third year writing this article predicting each team’s starting quarterbacks for the next season.
I’ve been wrong every time.
Tom Brady did not come out of retirement to play for the Las Vegas Raiders. My b.
So we’re going to switch it up a little bit this year.
Instead of predicting what these NFL GMs will do, I will be writing about who I want to be the starting QBs for every team next season.
I’m done pretending to be in an NFL front office. Y’all have Bleacher Report and a bajillion podcasts for that.
Let’s have fun.
Here’s who I think should be every team’s starting quarterback in 2025:
Arizona Cardinals: Tua Tagovailoa
Tua for Kyler Murray, who says no?
The Miami Dolphins offense is built around dynamism and they have the least dynamic quarterback—while the Cardinals should have a methodical game built around James Conner running the ball.
Marvin Harrison Jr. needs a more precise and structured offense to succeed instead of running around, hoping to make eye contact with Murray while he’s frantically avoiding linebackers who are twice his size.
Plus, Tua needs a warm city.
Any hint of a cold breeze and the Dolphins would lose by 35.
In the NFC West, Tagovailoa is getting concussed in Los Angeles, Seattle and San Francisco now.
That sunshine will help him keep his eyes open in the back of the ambulance.
Atlanta Falcons: Michael Penix
Michael Penix has that NFL blogger love.
That’s free press right there.
I remember his first start against the Giants. Penix went 18-for-27 for 202 yards, 1 interception, no touchdowns and a 73.4 passer rating.
The most average of all games ever.
Definition of the Mendoza Line.
And the “film watchers” emerged from hunching over their laptops to tell us how impressive his throws were.
If Penix can get anything out of Kyle Pitts then the Falcons become darlings for the NFL nerds as well as the Fantasy Football Freaks.
The Atlanta Falcons could be the most beloved below .500 football team since Marshawn Lynch put the team on his back (Darren Sharper holdmahhhhhhdiiiiiiiiiii)
Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson
ESPN is making Dan Orlovsky use all of his PTO in the 2nd month of the year because he dared vote Josh Allen as the MVP over Lamar Jackson.
I thought someone was going to walk by and spit on him when they were pressing that man to explain himself like they caught him texting a 17-year-old girl.
Lamar Jackson should be on the Ravens forever. The stakes are alarmingly high.
Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen
Always a good idea to keep a healthy relationship with your 28-year-old MVP quarterback. No notes.
Carolina Panthers: Bryce Young
Andy Dalton just signed a new deal to return to the Panthers.
Last year, Bryce was benched for Dalton because Bryce was playing like his overbearing father was watching and he knew if he made a mistake, he’d get hit when they got home later.
Which sounds bad BUT, he’d also get pizza if he played well so, ya know, don’t call tails if you can’t handle heads.
What was even saying before I condoned child abuse? Yes, right, Andy Dalton getting into a car crash—forcing Bryce Young back into the lineup with less pressure and an added motivation: stepping up for his big bro.
With Andy Dalton back, he may need to go through the windshield this time to make sure Bryce plays the way he did at the end of the season.
And maybe Bryce will just start 2025 playing at that high level and Andy won’t need to drive off a cliff but it probably feels nice to have that option available again—in case.
Chicago Bears: Caleb Williams
I will not pretend to have a deep understanding of Ben Johnson’s offense and the strengths and weaknesses of his playbook. But I’d have to imagine BJ is better than whatever shit they were doing last season.
Jared Goff just finished Top 5 in MVP voting.
Caleb Williams was sacked 68 times—the most in the NFL.
Let’s give Caleb Williams another shot at this thing with some adults in his corner.
Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Burrow
I want Joe Burrow free of this organization but at the same time, the impossibility of his weekly tasks is what makes Joe Burrow so watchable.
I know he’s going into every game with the worst head coach, an offensive line that can’t stop any pass rush, a defense that can’t tackle and two wide receivers in constant contract disputes—oscillating back and forth between busting their asses to get the stats they’ll need for leverage in contract negations and taking plays or full games off to protect their bodies.
Keep Joe Burrow with a 100-pound anchor around his ankle for the remainder of his career.
Cleveland Browns: Justin Tucker
Last time a star player was coming off the worst season of their career only for us to find out retroactively that they were struggling because they were anxiously waiting for a major story to drop about their unquenchable thirst for walking into professional, clinical massage treatment centers with their little weewees falling out of their pants zipper, trying to jizz on everyone and everything.
An All-Goon QB Room would be revolutionary.
It’s hip, it’s modern. It’s of its time.
It’s now.
It meets the moment.
More gooning representation in media.
Dallas Cowboys: Dak Prescott
Jerry Jones doesn’t care who coaches or even plays for this team.
Neither do I.
Dak. Sure.
Denver Broncos: Bo Nix
Sean Payton retired, worked at Fox for a bit, got depressed.
Until one day, someone knocked on his door with a phone number to call.
Payton called the number—on the other line, a man told Payton about a “substance” he could take to return to his younger self.
Bo Nix was hatched from the cacoon of Sean’s rotting flesh.
These two will be together until Sean Payton shows up to his Hall of Fame speech as a puddle of ooze on a wheelchair.
Remember, you are one.
Detroit Lions: Trevor Lawrence
I was getting bored so let’s manufacture another blockbuster trade.
What if the Lions traded Jared Goff to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for Baker Mayfield?
Then I re-read what I wrote and immediately backspaced up to that point—realizing the problems I have with Jared Goff’s game are not fixed by replacing him with a maniac like a Baker.
Every time the Detroit Lions lose a playoff game, there grows a deep, philosophical debate about how long a team’s championship window stays open and blah blah.
If the Lions are so desperate to remain relevant every year, they should get a younger quarterback to masquerade as if you are extending your “window”—even though the NFL is pretty random and a new Christian McCaffrey will just emerge one day and send the Lions to the Bahamas.
Green Bay Packers: Jordan Love
Vince Lombardi made a deal with the NFL, requiring the Green Bay Packers to always have a gunslinging quarterback capable of being the best player in the world on any given Sunday.
Jordan Love is fulfilling that agreement.
Love spent most of last season imping through games but I watched Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers play through injuries that would handicap us civilians.
Jordan Love needs to figure out if he’ll become a pillhead scammer like Favre or an acid-tripping know-it-all like Rodgers.
Perhaps Love will carve his own path.
I cannot wait for the ESPN story about Jordan Love’s recovery program of cocaine and Jui Jitsu.
Houston Texans: CJ Stroud
The Houston Texans fired their offensive coordinator so let’s give Stroud another shot with a new playbook.
I have no further comments at this time.
We shall see.
Indianapolis Colts: Kirk Cousins
Isn’t Kirk Cousins obviously the next Cols starting quarterback?
Kirk looks like an actor who plays the starting quarterback for a football team based in Indiana, airing on the CW Network and next day on Hulu.
Ever since Andrew Luck retired, the Colts have jumped on every landmine, acquiring every aging, talent-ridden QB available.
From Philip Rivers to Carson Wentz to Matt Ryan to Joe Flacco, isn’t this the MOST OBVIOUS KIRK COUSINS LOCATION EVER?
Jacksonville Jaguars: Jared Goff
Okay so the Lions need to pretend to extend their biological clock but the Jaguars need to bring in some professional adults who are good at football and show up to work prepared every day.
On Sundays, the Jaguars always look like they haven’t touched a football since the previous Sunday. Jared Goff can make this football team a football team.
Kansas City Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
Duh.
Los Angeles Chargers: Justin Herbert
I love Justin Herbert. One of my favorite players in the league. He will sit in the pocket and eat a 250-pound linebacker spearing him in half to flick his wrist and chuck and 50-yard dart on the sidelines to Ladd McConkey.
And then the playoffs start and he’s rocketing fastballs directly into the chest of the opposing safety. Sometimes, he throws balls where only the other team can get it. He’s so talented, he can hit his own receiver or theirs.
Los Angeles Rams: Brock Purdy
“@Adam Schefter: Los Angeles Rams trade Super Winning QB Matthew Stafford to the San Francisco 49ers for QB Brock Purdy. This is Assault”
The 49ers don’t want to pay Brock Purdy the money he is 100% owed and the Rams don’t want to keep hearing Kelly Stafford’s opinions on their personnel decisions or where she likes brunch or how difficult it is to get your newborn baby to latch or whatever her podcast is about.
Kendrick Lamar brought the West Coast together.
San Fran and Los Angeles can work together.
Sean McVay brought Jared Goff to the Super Bowl.
Brock Purdy is lightwork.
Just gotta tighten a few things there, throw in a little anti-freeze there, quick little stem-cell shot for that elbow and the Rams will be losing to the Eagles in the NFC Championship soon enough.
Las Vegas Raiders: Russell Wilson
LETS GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER BAY-BEEEEE.
Miami Dolphins: Kyler Murray
Let me know if you want to see Kyler Murray bomb a 70-year-old touchdown pass down the field to Tyreek Hill and celebrate with Hill in the endzone before he even comes down with the ball.
I trust Mike McDaniel could have Kyler looking like ’24 Jayden Daniels.
Minnesota Vikings: JJ McCarthy
I’m just ready to see what happens. I didn’t see anything at Michigan to make me believe that this kid coming off a torn ACL will walk into the NFL next season and be half as productive as Sam Darnold was with his career on the line last year.
But I’m okay with either outcome.
If JJ McCarthy is great then good, Jalen Hurts gets some more competition so someone can stop him from strolling into Super Bowls.
If JJ McCarthy is trash then good, I get sooooo many new jokes here at Deadseriousness.
New England Patriots: Drake Maye
If Bill Simmons singlehandedly picked NFL MVPs, Drake Maye would somehow already have 3.
New York Giants: Tommy DeVito
Remember when Trump had all these bad ideas in his first term and a lot of people were like “Okay, we can’t have this guy be president ever again” and then he ran again in 2024 and a lot of people were like “eh, it probably won’t be that bad this time” and then Trump immediately brought in all the billionaires to (nazi) salute him at his inauguration?
If the Giants are bringing back GM Joe Schoen and head coach Brian Daboll for one last ride then fuck it, let’s go full corruption and cronyism.
The only players who get on the field are the ones who have pledged their allegiance to the regime. All detractors shall be terminated.
New York Jets: Anthony Richardson
The league needs more chaos. Bring Anthony Richardson to become the face of the New York Jets, a man who the Colts don’t believe has taken his job as starting NFL quarterback seriously. Perfect man to bring in to take the New York Jets to even lower lows. Anthony Richardson would make Jets fans nostalgic for Aaron Rodgers.
New Orleans Saints: Derek Carr
The New Orleans Saints wanted Derek Carr so badly.
Good.
They are handcuffed to him. Eat all your shit, you still have some left on your plate.
Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Hurts
Somehow, someway, this quarterback who is maybe as good as Matt Hasselbeck wins every single football game and walks into Super Bowls as if it’s a party he’s always hosting at his house.
I don’t care that he cannot see the middle of the field, like, the team can’t even have inside slants in the playbook because he’ll just tuck it and bootleg, killing time for his intended receiver to stop playing around in the middle of the field and get to the sidelines where he can actually throw it.
As if he’s not allowed to throw it across the middle because the demon who granted him his wish to become an NFL Great told him “There’s one condition, you must never throw the football in the middle of the field or it’ll all crumble before your eyes”.
I don’t care that sometimes I watch him and I think he’s the fastest quarterback I’ve ever seen and sometimes, like, most times, I watch him and I think “I can definitely beat him in a foot race”.
He’s an optical illusion where defenders who would normally catch other quarterbacks just can’t catch him.
Probably because of that deal with the demon. Probably.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Daniel Jones
I think Daniel Jones is in this hyper-specific sweet spot where he has an interesting enough resume that a team could potentially convince their fans to still come out and purchase $25 Bud Lights to watch him start Week 1 without the fans keying your car—BUT—he can also be used as a tool to set up your head coach for failure—allowing you to move on from a guy who keeps doing juuuuuuust enough to keep his seat cool.
Russell Wilson is too old.
He’s not quick enough to avoid being thrown under the bus.
Justin Fields’s ceiling is still too high.
Like, what if the Steelers fuck around and accidentally get a modern, updated, not Terry Bradshaw-inspired offense and Fields’s athleticism turns Pittsburgh back into one of the top running teams in the league—but then the playoffs start and opposing defenses bottle up their run game—leading to a crushing loss?
Mike Tomlin and Fields would try this over and over and over for the next 3-4 years with the same results and everyone will gaslight Steelers fans into believing Justin Fields can win a Patrick Mahomes shoot-out if it weren’t for those dang referees or whatever.
Sign Daniel Jones. Let him be Daniel Jones. Fire all em. Free yourselves from this prison.
San Francisco 49ers: Matthew Stafford
Kyle Shanahan’s nightmare: a good quarterback.
Seattle Seahawks: Geno Smith
Hey man, I don’t give a single shit about the Seattle Seahawks. I can’t. I have too much going on in my life. There’s no room for the Seahawks to occupy any space in here.
Sure, bring back Geno Smith. *black fist*
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Baker Mayfield
No better Cheesecake Factory (parking lot) in America than Tampa Bay’s.
Tennesee Titans: Aaron Rodgers
Aaron Rodgers belongs in Nashville amongst his people, that way, he can learn how offputting he really is—even to the type of people who may believe he’s supposed to get along with.
Washington Commanders: Jayden Daniels
As long as Jayden Daniel’s mom continues to keep the hoes away from her son, the Washington Commanders have a perennial MVP candidate until they inevitably run him into the ground like Robert Griffin III and pretend as if it wasn’t their fault and they never revisit his success as if it never happened.
If you enjoyed what you read, head over to our Substack. We’ve got more content making fun of the ridiculous world we live in, sent directly to your email inbox daily.
Follow us over on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
GIPHY App Key not set. Please check settings