Predicting All 32 Starting Quarterbacks For the 2023 NFL Season

The NFL is a league entirely centered around quarterbacks and as every year passes, more players find themselves changing teams and moving to new cities. So let’s randomly speculate where everyone will be next season.

Here are all 32 starting quarterbacks for the 2023 NFL season:

Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray

I started writing this article prior to Murray’s ACL surgery so I won’t be changing this. There are 31 quarterbacks I have to sit here and write about. I promise you I am not taking the extra time to figure out who will be Murray’s backup while he recovers from this knee injury. That’s none of my business.

I WILL SAY, good luck getting Kyler to look at game film when he now has all the time in the world to play Call of Duty with his leg in a cast. Damn, Kyler is going to come back less athletic. Oh no, are we about to witness the end of Kyler next year? Please learn how to read defenses, man. I don’t think the Oakland A’s are still hiring.

Atlanta Falcons: Sam Darnold

Desmond Ridder will not be the starting quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons next season—or any season. If they thought the kid could play, they wouldn’t have waited for Week 15 to finally let him start over Marcus Mariota who looked like he had never played football prior to 2022.

Enter Sam Darnold who had some impressive games to end the season for the Panthers. And when I say impressive, I mean impressive for Sam Darnold.

With a new coaching staff coming to Carolina, I doubt they’ll double down on Darnold and instead, will want their own guys in the building.

Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson

I can pretend to shuffle all these quarterbacks randomly for the sake of content but we all know that the Baltimore Ravens are going to franchise-tag Lamar Jackson. Where Lamar will play in 2024 is the real question.

Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen

Josh Allen would literally run through a brick wall for Buffalo fans. He’s never going anywhere. He’s leaving the Bills on a stretcher and even though, he’ll be listed as questionable for the next game.

Carolina Panthers: Will Levis

To be honest, I completely forgot about the Panthers. There is no one on their current roster who should be playing QB for this team in 2023. The only free agent that would come to Carolina is maybe Teddy Bridgewater and I don’t see him making some triumphant return so fuck it, they’ll draft Will Levis from Kentucky. Sure.

Chicago Bears: Justin Fields

The Bears have the no. 1 overall draft pick/ NFL media heads who want to stand out and pretend to think outside the box want Chicago to trade Fields and draft a quarterback with the no. 1 pick even though Fields is already better than the QB prospects coming out of college this season.

Maybe, just maaaaybe, Chicago should use that no. 1 pick to draft an offensive lineman who will keep Fields on his feet and give him longer than .00001 seconds to throw the ball. Justin Fields to Chase Claypool could be a devastating combination if Fields didn’t have to stiff arm a D-Lineman the moment he gets the snap in his hands.

Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Burrow

Joe Burrow is the only quarterback in the NFL that has consistently beaten the Kansas City Chiefs. The Bengals need to do everything in their power to keep Burrow in Cincinnati for the rest of his life. Rename the stadium after him. Leave massive bags of cash in his locker throughout the week. Name him the new team president just hold onto Joe burrow forever.

Cleveland Browns: Deshaun Watson

Cleveland decided to go all in on the sexual predator and have to deal with the consequences of Deshaun Watson being pretty mediocre and falling off a cliff from where he was in Houston. They owe Watson a bajillion dollars to go out there and alienate every woman in the stadium.

In 2020, Baker Mayfield won 11 games throwing for 3,010 yards with 26 touchdowns and interceptions. Meanwhile, this season Jacoby Brissett and Deshaun Watson combined for 7 wins, and 3,710 passing yards with 19 touchdowns and 11 interceptions. And this is in no way a Baker Mayfield stan page. I think he sucks. But he’s far cheaper than Watson and has sexually assaulted significantly fewer women.

Fuck the Browns.

Dallas Cowboys: Dak Prescott

Dak Prescott just led the league in interceptions and managed to do so in only 12 games. HAHAHAHAHAHA please keep Dak in Dallas forever so he can keep throwing hilarious pick six’s. Mike McCarthy might be fired if Dallas plays terribly in the Wild Card round because Dallas can’t fire Dak. Give Dak the Joe Burrow lifetime contract please.

Denver Broncos: Russell Wilson

The Broncos gave Russell Wilson an absurd amount of money to be, what? The 28th-best quarterback in the NFL? And now they are stuck with him until at least 2025 or else they suffer a gutting cap hit.

With Nathanial Hackett fired, Denver will convince themselves that the new head coach can unlock the old Russell Wilson. There is no old Russell Wilson left but the Broncos are trying to bring in Sean Payton who is basically just Cajun Jeff Fisher.

Green Bay Packers: Jordan Love

Aaron Rodgers was given a little farewell tour at the end of the season and we all pretended as if he was responsible for their winning streak even though the defense was scoring more touchdowns than he was. That man is washed and probably watching poorly produced Youtube documentaries about the Covid vaccine being created by Bill Gates to suck our lifeforce and turn humans into a sustainable food source for the rich.

Houston Texans: Bryce Young

Bryce Young will most likely be the first quarterback taken off the board even though he’s Trae Young-sized and can’t see the middle of the field over his offensive line. He’s 180 pounds and is going to be treated like Batman when Bane broke his back in front of the League of Shadows.

BUT, he’s better than Davis Mills and the Texans will hire some generic white guy no one’s ever heard of who is Sean McVay’s personal trainer or some shit so Bryce will certainly be given every opportunity to ~~fail~~ succeed.

Indianapolis Colts: Derek Carr

Philip Rivers. Carson Wentz. Matt Ryan. It’s Derek Carr’s time to walk through the washed quarterback graveyard the Colts have built over the broken bones and lacerated organs of Andrew Luck.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Trevor Lawrence

Trevor Lawrence sure looks like a real difference-maker when he isn’t being coached by a horny alcoholic barfly who preaches religion and accountability while simultaneously hiring and supporting guys who beat the brakes of their spouses.

Kansas City Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes

Duh.

Los Angeles Chargers: Justin Herbert

Justin Herbert will continue his career as a stats hoarder and passing yards merchant while narrowly sneaking into the playoffs and being eliminated immediately. He will break every passing record in a Chargers jersey and will finish his career with the most passing yards in NFL history and no playoff wins while Burrow, Mahomes and Allen fight for rings.

Los Angeles Rams: Baker Mayfield

Baker Mayfield did a decent job auditioning for the Rams this season so I wouldn’t be shocked if they gave him a 1-year deal to run it back, Matthew Stafford’s body is falling apart. He won that Super Bowl trophy and I don’t think he’s rushing back to have Aaron Donald powerbomb him in practice every day.

Or Sean McVay might retire before I even post this article so who knows what the Rams are doing?

Las Vegas Raiders: Tom Brady

Josh McDaniels and Tom Brady are reuniting in Las Vegas. There were rumors of Brady wanting to join the Raiders before he signed with Bucs but the Raiders elected to stay with Derek Carr leading Brady to say ‘they chose that motherfucker over me??’. One of the only times Brady has been genuinely funny in the 60 years we’ve known him.

Unlike Derek Carr, Tom Brady is actually capable of getting the ball to Davante Adams and won’t cry when he gets sacked too hard.

Miami Dolphins: Tua Tagavailoa

Assuming Tua’s 9,000 concussions don’t catch up with him between now and Week 1 next season, it’s safe to assume Tua will be the starting quarterback for the Miami Dolphins next season and for as long as he can go before slipping into a coma because they refuse to let Tua’s brain heal.

New York Giants: Daniel Jones

Daniel Jones just went 9-7-1 and brought the Giants to the playoffs for the first time since 2016 throwing the ball to Richie fucking James and *Googles* Marcus Johnson. They said he turned the ball over too much and finished 2022 with only 5 interceptions.

At this point, there is no reason not to give him whatever contract his agent requests because Brian Daboll is getting Coach of the Year votes thanks to Jones’s performance. Who knows what type of numbers Danny Dimes would put up if he had guys out there who can actually catch his dimes?

New York Jets: Zach Wilson

I am predicting a very annoying quarterback battle between Zach Wilson and Jimmy Garappolo next season and I think the Jets are going to do everything in their power to make Wilson look and feel like he’s the man in New York.

BUT, Jimmy G will be playing at some point for the Jets. Just, ya know, not Week 1. Let Zach Wilson have a couple weeks where he overthrows screen passes and blames the team.

Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Hurts

Jalen Hurts has established himself as an MVP candidate this season. He literally only lost one game this season. On one hand, I want to completely disregard this season as a fluke like when Dak Prescott went 13-3 in his rookie season. Mainly because I hate the Eagles so naturally, I hate Jalen Hurts but this guy miiiiight actually be the real deal.

This is the moment that Jalen Hurts said, “I’m him.” pic.twitter.com/XHJdb2o7ya

— 🦅HURTS4MVP🦅 (@EaglesStrictly) January 2, 2023

Pittsburgh Steelers: Kenny Pickett

Personally, I think Kenny Pickett is mid as hell but Mike Tomlin loves the kid so he’ll get another opportunity to play next season. They also don’t have many options because drafting another quarterback late in the draft is just cutting and pasting what they did last season to end up with Pickett.

San Francisco 49ers: Brock Purdy

Brock Purdy might lead the 49ers to a Super Bowl this season. Just look at what Purdy accomplished when he took over the starting gig:

Brock Purdy NFL ranks since becoming starter in Week 14

Rank
Pass Rating 119.0 1st
Pass TD 11 t-1st
Pass TD/Att 8.9% 1st
Pass Yds/Att 8.85 1st
Wins 5 t-1st

uh wow pic.twitter.com/CPIaWGUIa5

— NFL on CBS 🏈 (@NFLonCBS) January 9, 2023

He literally became the best quarterback in the NFL. He was third string at the beginning of the year and now he’s going to be the Super Bowl MVP.

Seattle Seahawks: Geno Smith

Nothing but respect for my captain even though I spent his entire career doing nothing but talking shit. All of those old tweets are deleted and we’re going to pretend like Geno Smith was always that dude and was being held back.

Tennesee Titans: Andy Dalton

I don’t know, man. I ran out of quarterbacks.

Washington Commanders: Aaron Rodgers

There’s a lot of speculation about where Rodgers will play football next season and you can remove all AFC teams from the list. Rodgers is not going to a division where he gets jumped by Mahomes, Burrow, Allen and Herbert. This is a man who spent the second half of his career never taking shots downfield in fear of messing up his precious touchdown to interception ratio. This is not a man who takes many risks thus his weird conservative comments.

I’m sure Aaron Rodgers and Dan Snyder agree on what’s wrong with America today.