thelesterlee
NFL free agency is right around the corner and so is the draft and this year, it feels like a lot of teams are going to have different quarterbacks in 2024 than they had in 2023. Quarterback is the most important position in sports.
I tried to make this article last year. I got pretty much every single prediction wrong. The Houston Texans did not draft Bryce Young. Thank god. But I’ve licked my wounds and learned from my mistakes.
Let’s predict all 32 starting quarterbacks for the 2024 NFL season:
Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray
Kyler Murray played only 8 games this year after coming back from a torn ACL and outside of a Week 15 L to the 49ers, Murray looked better every single game he played.
I want to see him rushing more than 5 times a game because what is the point of being the fastest player on the field if you’re not going to take advantage of it but perhaps he was trying to stay healthy so to the 2024 starting quarterback for this exact Deadseriousness article and I appreciate him making my job easier.
Shout out a real one.
Atlanta Falcons: Justin Fields
Send Justin Fields home to Georgia.
I have no idea if Justin Fields will turn into a great quarterback.
History says no.
Top picks who get mentally and physically broken by their original franchises don’t change cities and suddenly become Hall of Famers. Maybe Drew Brees—but his time in San Diego was way better than Fields’s time in Chicago.
But I do know one thing: I would 100000000% rather have Justin Fields ay my QB1 than Desmond fucking Ridder. 8 days a week.
Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson
Unless the Ravens want to get cute again and sat they’re shopping Lamar Jackson around, Lamar will be back. Also, it’s insane that not only did the Ravens say they didn’t want to pay Lamar last offseason but every team in the NFL stood on business like Tank Man in Tiananmen Square. And then we all talked about it like it was normal business. Lamar now has 2 MVP trophies and the NFL got away with collusion right in front of our faces.
Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen
He’s going to throw deep, embarrassing-looking interceptions on 3rd and long and people on TV will tell us how they’re essentially the equivalent of punting the ball and he’s smart for taking the shot downfield.
Josh Allen & Buffalo 4 Ever.
Carolina Panthers: Bryce Young
.In his rookie year, Bryce Young finished 31st in completion percentage (59.8%), 22nd in passing yards (2,877), 28th in passing touchdowns (11) and 32nd in passer rating (73.7)
Joe Flacco played 5 games last year. He threw 2 more touchdowns than Young.
And he was so bad, the Panthers earned the first round pick. Had they not traded that first round pick to the Bears, Carolina would 1000% be drafting Caleb Williams and Bryce would be Sean Payton’s pet project in Denver. And he would be gone by 2026. Sean Payton’s last experiment was Taysom Hill. Tayson Hill did not become a franchise QB, believe it or not.
Chicago Bears: Caleb Williams
I wanted to be different and contrarian but fuck that.
The Chicago Bears front office would be executed one-by-one on the 50-yard line if they stuck with Justin Fields instead of drafting Caleb Williams. Especially if Caleb goes on to have a Hall of Fame career while Fields goes on to have an annoying podcast tour in 3 years telling ‘his story’ after he fizzles out of the league under the pressure of not being as good as someone he should’ve never been compared to in the first place.
Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Burrow
Last time Joe Burrow suffered a season-ending injury, he came back the following year with an All-Pro season and the Bengals made it to the Super Bowl. I just know Burrow was sitting at home PISSED seeing Mahomes raise another trophy.
This sicko is about to have a legendary 2024. There will be some nasty contrarian take-artists trying to tell you Burrow is the best in the league. Do not let that annoying shit ruin your enjoyment of high-level football. Joe is cool as hell and sure, there’s only one Mahomes, but we can still just like watching other guys succeed too without having to overpraise or diminish what they’re doing.
Cleveland Browns: Deshaun Watson
The Browns trading for Deshaun Watson and giving him a quarter billion guaranteed after he missed a full season and was still in the middle of fighting for his life in court—will go down as one of the worst decisions in the history of decisions.
But they must lay in the bed they made. Not a massage bed, Deshaun. Reeeeelax. NOT TOO RELAXED.
Joe Flacco led them to the playoffs so we all know this roster is capable of winning games with a capable QB which will make it even funnier when they finish last in the AFC North because Deshaun can’t play well unless he’s pressuring massage therapists into touching his wee wee.
Dallas Cowboys: Dak Prescott
Officer Dak will be in Dallas as long as he wants.
He is a guaranteed 10 wins every season.
Sure, he hasn’t made it to the big game yet but most quarterbacks haven’t. Dak isn’t going to have some phenomenal throw in the NFC Championship game that saves the Cowboys season and sends them to the Super Bowl. BUT, he’s good enough to get you to the NFC Championship game and once you’re there, anything can happen.
Denver Broncos: Sam Darnold
It feels like the Broncos are tanking in 2024 by cutting all of their talented players to save money and letting Sean Payton restart with a fresh canvas. As bad as they look next season, losing the awkward Russell Wilson vibes will be a net positive.
Sam Darnold has proven he has mastered the art of losing football games. He has a 21-35 win-loss record in his career. He is the perfect guy to ensure you get a Top 3 pick in the next draft.
Detroit Lions: Jared Goff
Jared Goff is the most underrated quarterback in the NFL who was one game away from making the second Super Bowl of his career. Half his team spends their free time gambling on games and Goff still led these addicts to the NFC Championship game.
And when you look at the NFC in totality…*whispers* Jared Goff is the best quarterback in the entire conference and I don’t think it’s particularly close.
Green Bay Packers: Jordan Love
Jordan Love has an afro. I will never root against him
Black actors gotta stick together
— Dreadlef Schrempf (@TheLesterLee) December 4, 2023
In Jordan Love, we trust.
Houston Texans: CJ Stroud
I have no idea if CJ Stroud will be as dominant as he was last season considering he won’t be catching any teams by surprise. Everyone knows he’s great now. The defensive schemes against him will be different and more focused on limiting what he does well.
Also, he’s dating Amber Rose now so Stroud very much wants to be a celebrity which is never a great sign for your franchise guy but I reckon Texas needed their next Tony Romo so enjoy that.
Indianapolis Colts: Anthony Richardson
Anthony Richardson is the best mystery box in the NFL. He has the physical attributes to be the next Cam Newton but the Colts better pray he doesn’t have the same god complex and injury dilemmas as Cam Newton
Jacksonville Jaguars: Trevor Lawrence
I bet you forget Trevor Lawrence, the guy everyone said would be the best quarterback ever when he was beating up on shitty ACC teams every year at Clemson, has been in the NFL for 3 years and hasn’t done absolute shit.
But yea, Trevor is just hanging in Jacksonville. Straight chillin’ with no one watching or caring as he makes millions to just hang out in Florida. What a life.
Kansas City Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
Duh.
Los Angeles Chargers: Justin Herbert
The NFL media has been forcing Justin Herbert on us since Oregon and sure, he can throw that thang but the Chargers can’t get enough wins for some reason. Well now Jim Harbaugh is coming and we may be on the recipes of Herbert’s coming out party.
Last time we saw Harbaugh in the NFL, he revived Alex Smith’s disappointing career and turned Colin Kaepernick into a superstar (temporarily). Justin Herbert MVP campaign soon cometh.
Los Angeles Rams: Matty Stafford
Somehow, someway, Matty Stafford is still healthy enough to play NFL football for another season after a career littered with nonstop brutal injuries. But he’s coming back for another year of punishment. We don’t kink shame here at Deadseriousness. Get your shit off.
Las Vegas Raiders: Russell Wilson
When the musical chairs end, I feel like the Raiders will be without a QB and Russell Wilson will be without a team and they are going to trick us into believing they both wanted each other this entire time. The lights are about to come on at the bar. Las Vegas and Russell Wilson are going to be stuck with each other.
Pray for Antonio Pierce. He’s been talking a lot of shit this offseason to hype up his new regime. Russell Wilson is about to come burn this team to the ground.
Miami Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa
As long as the Dolphins never play a game away from Florida in an outdoor stadium with the weather below 50 degrees and a cloud in the sky, Tua is a Top 5 quarterback in the NFL. He is in the perfect offense that maximizes his accuracy and timing without forcing him to make too many plays outside of what the original read is. Tua and Mike McDaniel will be together as long as they want to be.
Minnesota Vikings: Baker Mayfield
It feels like Tampa Bay is being cute about bringing back Baker or Baker is simply asking for more money than the Bucs believe he’s worth but Mayfield did enough last season to be trusted with the keys of an offense.
Everything is cyclical and the NFL has returned to the days of the early 2000s where guys who don’t have the most talent are able to rack up wins by just throwing on time and not playing outside of themselves. Matt Hasselbeck made a Super Bowl. Brad fucking Johnson. Baker Mayfield is good enough to compete every week with the right team around him.
New England Patriots: Ryan Tannehill
Ryan Tannehill is tall and white. He’ll be a starting QB next season. The Patriots will probably trick themselves into drafting JJ McCarthy because he sounds smart and played at Tom Brady’s alma matta but I don’t think he will or more importantly, should, be the Week 1 starter next year.
New York Giants: Daniel Jones
That 4-year, $160 million contract is sitting on the Giants books. He’s going to get one more chance because John Mara is elderly and senile so he believes Daniel Jones is one of his grandsons. I don’t think Daniel Jones will be the Giants Week 10 starter but he will definitely be there Week 1. And I bet he’ll have an incredible game to trick this organization into believing they made the right decision before the wheels fall off and the Dallas Cowboys beat them by a bajillion on a nationally televised Sunday night game. As is tradition.
New York Jets: Aaron Rodgers
When Aaron Rodgers is done destroying Pat McAfee’s media career, he is going to limp back out there on the worst field in sports behind the worst offensive line in the NFL, recovering from the toughest injury possible and at 40 years old, he is going to lead the New York Jets to a disappointing 7-win season before he blames everyone else for his lack of success and fakes a retirement. Can’t wait.
New Orleans Saints: Derek Carr
Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Hurts
Once you make a cameo on Abbott Elementary, you are officially stamped as the guy. Jalen Hurts may have been a bit exposed last season as a guy who might not be that much of a difference-maker when he isn’t 100% healthy but the whole Eagles team collapsed against the 49ers went to their hood and nobody knew them. He’ll bounce back. He plays the Commanders and Giants twice a year. He’ll be fine.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Kirk Cousins
As i write this, the Steelers are meeting with Russell Wilson. Many people would take that as a sign Russ is signing there and would adjust this article accordingly. Not I. I’ve seen how Russell Wilson has moved the last couple of years and I’ve seen Mike Tomlin want to strangle his players for constantly going on IG Live after games. Tomlin is going to sit with Russ for like, 5 minutes and realize they can’t work together without Tomlin slapping the code-switching out of Russ’s mouth.
San Francisco 49ers: Brock Purdy
If Brock Purdy won the Super Bowl, he’d be the 49ers QB for the rest of his life but with an L, he’s in the same boat Jimmy G was in where he made it to the big game, lost and now he’s unemployed. If the 49ers are going to keep getting sent home by Patrick Mahones then they’re eventually going to need a guy who can go head-to-head with him. BUT, for the time being, Brock Purdy is the best they’ve got over there.
Seattle Seahawks: Geno Smith
I’ll be honest, the Seattle Seahawks are the team I am the least tapped into in the league BUT, from a distance, it doesn’t appear as though it makes any sense to move on from Geno Smith when he’s been playing better than Russell was in his final years in Washington.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Joe Flacco
The Buccaneers are running the Colts method of rotating veteran quarterbacks but with astronomically greater results. Carson Wentz and Matt Ryan were atrocious on the Colts while Tom Brady and Baker Mayfield just casually made the playoffs every year. Joe Flacco just brought the Browns to the playoffs last year so why not combine forces?
Tennesee Titans: Will Levis
I have no idea if Will Levis is good or not but I do know he’s shown signs of being a complete sicko. Some guys are capable of willing themselves to succeed despite their obvious limitations and Levis might be one of those cats. Or he sucks. We’ll know soon.
Washington Commanders: Drake Maye
I feel like the Sam Howell North Carolina connection will make the Commanders draft Drake Maye to become the Washington Tarheels. Personally, I’ve seen enough from Mitch Trubisky and Daniel Jones from Duke to know these programs are not producing NFL QBs like that but as a Giants fan, please draft Drake Maye. I dare you,
Is this the right QB list? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if you think I got any of these predictions wrong.
