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NFL Week 9 Awards

From Dak Prescott admitting his team might not be very good to Derek Carr murdering everyone around him, here are your NFL Week 9 awards

We’re halfway through the season and it looks like the good teams have established themselves as the cream at the top and the bad teams look utterly creamless. No cream in sight. NFL Week 9 was crucial in separating the freaks and the meeks. I just re-read that. Not the bar I thought it was. We’ll keep it in.

Whatever. Let’s give some NFL Week 9 awards out to the freaks and meeks.

The Disaster Class Award: Las Vegas Raiders

nfl week 9

Whenever your team is in peril and the solution is to break the emergency glass and pull out Desmond fucking Ridder, you are in the midst of a disaster.

Shockingly, Desmond Ridder still stinks.

Las Vegas got stomped in a 41-24 loss to a Cincinnati Bengals team that I’m still not certain is very good.

Antonio Pierce was supposed to have the Raiders defense humming. Las Vegas has given up 32 or more points in 4 of their last 7 games.

The Raiders are now flirting with the no. 1 pick so maybe they can finally get Desmond Ridder some help.

The “I Think You Might Have a Problem, Brother” Award: Jermaine Burton

nfl week 9

Cincinnati Bengals rookie wide receiver, Jermaine Burton, was inactive for Sunday’s game against Las Vegas after being a no-show for Saturday’s team walkthrough.

And Burton is spending his newly acquired free time sitting alone in a casino. Not really the slots Cincinnati hopes Burton is working on. Always good to develop healthy coping mechanisms at a young age. 23 years old and Burton is already being sent home from work and rushing to the blackjack table.

The Bengals are fighting to get to .500 and their third-round rookie receiver has his phone on Do Not Disturb, nursing the free complimentary drink, lighting his money on fire in hopes of seeing three red cherries or whatever.

The “I Completely Agree With You” Award: Dak Prescott

nfl week 9

After suffering a hamstring injury, Dak Prescott was caught on camera giving his hot take on the current state of the Dallas Cowboys.

Nah, he’s spitting.

Just look at this wonderful fake punt attempt:

But on a positive note, the Cowboys have rocketed up from the 32nd-ranked rushing attack to 31st. Season’s turning around, boys.

The Special Ed Teams Award: Kansas City Chiefs

nfl week 9

We already know who Harrison Butker is voting for. He’ll tell anyone who will listen.

And now the Chiefs long snapper, James Winchester, is joining his special teams partner in his support for the guy who would run a Burlington Coat Factory into bankruptcy.

This coming off the heels of Patrick Mahomes’s mom cheering for Trump during the game on Monday night against the Buccaneers.

Whole organization full of dorks.

Although, maybe Mrs. Mahomes is only supporting Trump in hopes he pardons her husband and son, two alcoholics who cannot stop waking up in handcuffs.

The Most Annoying Tailgate Attendee Award: Robert De Niro

nfl week 9

Robert De Niro—star of the hit film The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle—joined a Philadelphia Eagles tailgate to preach about the 2024 presidential election.

I don’t disagree with anything Bobby is saying here.

But man, if I’m chugging beers in the parking lot before an NFL game, the last thing I want to hear about is voting.

I’m at this tailgate to forget about life, not debate.

Plus, I’d be drunk as hell waiting to talk to De Niro about Heat while he’s too busy handing out pamphlets to help women locate their local Planned Parenthood.

Like, stop being a great guy for a second so I can bother you about Cop Land.

Biggest Winner: Bryce Young

nfl week 9

Andy Dalton exploded in a car accident (he hurt his thumb), thrusting Bryce Young back into the spotlight for further ridicule and examination.

And Big Brycey Baby got the 23-22 dub over the New Orleans Saints with 171 passing yards and a touchdown.

Now, I don’t think this suddenly means he’s the Panthers franchise quarterback.

They should 1000% look for his replacement in the offseason. Or today, if they have time.

But Bryce isn’t fighting for a starting job. He’s fighting for a career.

And every win helps ensure\ he’s at least on the sidelines looking over at the Microsoft tablet with the QB1 and OC, pretending to understand the previous drive they’re breaking down.

The goal is to keep stealing NFL paychecks and beating the Saints helps Bryce stay on payrolls.

Biggest Loser: Derek Carrderek carr

Derek Carr is a certified bum. A loser. A geek. A crybaby. A plight. A plague.

Mr. and Mrs. Carr should be thrown in a cell for combining DNA and creating one of the biggest losers in NFL history.

Whichever candidate is promising to remove Derek Carr from the league gets my vote.

Derek Carr killed his star receiver.

And then he killed Dennis Allen. Again.

Derek Carr will pay for his sins.

 

 

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Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

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