I’ll be honest, a looooot of dogshit football this week. Every year I forgot the brutality and cost of this enterprise, where, by week 8, you’re mostly watching minor leaguers try, with all their might, to stop the few remaining true superstars still standing. Like, why did I just watch Andy Dalton play football in the year 2025? Go sit with your wife, yo.
Anyway, let’s give out some awards for NFL Week 8:
Disaster Class Award: New York Giants
Having forced myself to watch more horror movies this spooky season, I can now recognize a curse when I see one.
Not sure if the Giants Sunday was altered by satan worshippers or an Etsy witch—but the game was over before it started—Saquon Barkley busting a 65-yard run on the 2nd play of the day.
The game was lost at the top of the 2nd quarter, a tush push gone wrong…
I mean you literally can’t do anything. Should be Giants ball pic.twitter.com/BhjN5wD5No
— Bobby Skinner (@BobbySkinner_) October 26, 2025
On a 4th and 1, the Eagles called the Tush Push, duh.
Jalen Hurts reached for more yards, Kayvon Thibodeaux took the ball from him.
Call played dead.
Eagles get the first down.
The refs call forward progress despite the play very much still being alive—no sound of a whistle until the Giants touch the ball—when all of a sudden, magically, courtesy of a witch’s brew—Hurts is allowed to fight for extra yardage, and will be granted what ever additional yardage he can muster, however, if the defense strips him, well, the play is dead and it’s forward progress—again, not a single whistle heard.
I don’t hate the Tush Push.
Honestly, I wish my favorite team had a free “no rules” play they could call whenever they needed a first down.
The Giants season was truly ended later in the game when Zach Braun attempted to break up a pass to Cam Skattebo (with an illegal hip drop tackle that also was not called by the refs), shattering Skattebo’s ankle—removing all hope from New York.
Now, this Disaster Class wasn’t the refs doing.
The Giants defense gave up 276 rushing yards.
But with all their injuries, now Skattebo’s foot dripping off the bone like it just came off the smoker—the 2025 season is over.
The GM and all the coaches must pack their things.
The Future NXT North American Champion Award: Sydney Brown
Special teams can be boring.
3rd-year Eagles backup safety Sydney Brown tried to make his workday a little more interesting:
Insane: Eagles safety Sydney Brown threw a FLYING KNEE during yesterday’s game 😭😭pic.twitter.com/xnuN46f5BE
— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) October 27, 2025
Incredible running knee strike. Brown, a player who started 6 games his rookie season and now exclusively a special teamer, is looking like he’s reading to sign with the WWE and work in the performance center. The Bloodline 3.0 will need a heater. The NFL is clearly not where Brown will be making his living long-term.
The “Hey, The FBI is Watching, Clean it Up Over There”: Baltimore Ravens
On Friday, the Baltimore Ravens listed Lamar Jackson as a “full participant” in practice. Everyone thought Lamar Jackson was returning from injury for his first start since September 28th.
Lamar did not play on Sunday. He is still injured.
And the Ravens lied about Lamar’s practice participation.
See, Lamar played on the scout team but didn’t take any first-team reps. According to the NFL, if you’re an NFL starter and you don’t take first-team reps, then you are not considered a full participant in practice.
This coming off the heels of the FBI arresting Chauncey Billups and Damon Jones were tipping off bettors with injury info only they were privy to.
Donald Trump could wake up this morning and just declare war on the NFL. Shit, he did it last time he was in office. We are one leaked phone call to Epstein, where Trump says, “I love humping teenagers with you”, away from a full NFL FBI investigation.
“You’re Washed, It’s Over” Award: Carson Wentz
In what will most likely be his final NFL start, all future head coaches’ fingers crossed, the 2017 MVP second-runner-up assisted the Los Angeles Chargers in their 37-10 victory over the Minnesota Vikings, thanks to his middling QB performance, throwing for 144 yards, a 4-yard TD pass to Jordan Addison (Minnesota started that drive on LA’s 26 after Herbert turned the ball over), a 4th-quarter interception, while being sacked 5 times and hit 8, each time more painful than the last.
Watching Sisyphus push a rock up a hill but, like, struggle with moving the rock initially.
The “I Still Can’t Believe This Guy Got The First Multi-Year Fully Guaranteed Contract” Award: Kirk Cousins
I know Kirk Cousins is 37 years old. His fellow rookie roommate in Washington, RGIII, already experienced a rise and fall in his media career, Kirk is old. Sure.
I know Kirk Cousins tore his achilles two seasons ago, amplifying the limited mobility he already displayed.
But the Atlanta Falcons knew all of this shit too, and still gave him a 4-year $180 million contract.
In place of Michael Penix Jr, out icing his knee, Kirk Cousins went out there, bare minimum, Falcons lose 10-34 to a Miami Dolphins team. 173 yards passing, no touchdowns, no juice, nothing provided to the offense.
I don’t even have much to say. I just hate seeing this guy out there. He audibled to a fucking tight end screen on 4th and long.
Get these losers out of my league.
The “Carson Wentz Cartoonish Hijinks” Award: Spencer Rattler
Just look at this pick six, yo. Never seen anything like it:
SPENCER RATTLER THROWS A PICK SIX BACKED UP IN HIS OWN END 🙃
(via @NFL)pic.twitter.com/R7zEh63dug
— Yahoo Sports (@YahooSports) October 26, 2025
A downright disrespectful Pick 6 😂pic.twitter.com/r5pekYGcfH
— SleeperNFL (@SleeperNFL) October 26, 2025
Throwing the ball to someone a foot away from you and then starting an immediate Oklahoma drill at the goal line is the type of shit SEC coaches were making sharecroppers do until their ears bled.
Runner-up: Dillon Gabriel
Groundbreaking hijinks occurred in the Browns 13-32 loss to the New England Patriots
I’ve seen a lot of Browns quarterback lowlights.
The intentional grounding check down incompletion safety to nobody is up there. pic.twitter.com/qHbMJbwz8h
— Nick Pedone (@NickPedone12) October 26, 2025
Standing fairly comfy in his own endzone, Gabriel lobs a beach ball to the sidelines, no receiver in sight, no real explanation—just an intentional grounding resulting in a safety. 2 points and possession to the New England Patriots because Dillon Gabriel is a frady-cat.
I have *thoughts* on Kevin Stefanski and his unprecedented ability to lose annually while maintaining full job security.
Hopefully I’ll get that out soon but if you wanted to cut the rookie some slack, Stefanski calling a 7-step drop back play from their own endzone is sabotage.
However, Gabriel’s interceptions were not the fault of the play-calling…
Dillon Gabriel has now thrown 2 interceptions on 2 consecutive drives. pic.twitter.com/d5hrYKEToQ
— Politi Sportz (@POLITISPORTZ) October 26, 2025
Just airmailing a deep ball, giving the safety plenty of time to disrupt it, for what? To test your arm strength? Test failed, Dillon.
The “King of Looking Busy When Your Boss is Watching” Award: Jonathan Taylor
My favorite new Sunday tradition is seeing Colts owner, Carlie Irsay-Gordon, getting fits off on the sidelines with a headset on, clipboard in hand, making notes only decipherable by her own genius.
I used to be the king of pretending to look busy when my supervisor walked by. Always kept a broom nearby just in case I needed a quick fake sweep—before pulling my phone back out to send Tweets off.
But when Jonathan Taylor sees his boss on the sidelines watching, he does shit like this:
JONATHAN. TAYLOR. CAREER LONG 80-YARD TD 🤯
14 TDs this season ALREADY 😳
(via @NFL)
pic.twitter.com/szPh2hA73w— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) October 26, 2025
12 carries. 153 yards. 2 touchdowns. And he’s taking an extra 5 minutes on his lunch break.
Biggest Winner: Everyone Who Spent Their Sunday Away From a Television
This week sucked. I can’t stress that enough. Almost every game was a blowout. The only one-possession game this week was the Jets vs. the Bengals.
The biggest trick the NFL ever played was convincing us we’re watching “high-scoring” games because a touchdown is 6 points instead of 1.
These middling weeks are unwatchable.
Tyler fucking Shough was out there tossing wet paper towels around the field.
Spend time with your families.
You don’t have to watch the Titans.
Biggest Loser: Dak Prescott
If the Dallas Cowboys walked into their Week 9 Monday Night Football primetime game against the Arizona Cardinals at 4-3-1—the Commanders and Giants a non-factor in the NFC East—Dak having just overcome the Denver Broncos defense—the NFL world would crown Prescott the MVP.
The Cowboys got blown out by the Denver Broncos in a 44-22 dragging.
Dak had 4 straight games with 3+ passing TDs.
This week, 188 yards, zero touchdowns, 2 interceptions.
Lamar Jackson injured.
Patrick Mahomes and Josh Allen looking human, for now.
Justin Herbert and Baker Mayfield cooling off from their hot starts.
The seas parted for Dak Prescott—overcoming Jerry Jones trading away their best player out of spite and cries of poverty, leading a weak roster to the playoffs by outscoring everyone—Dak could’ve led every NFL show this Monday.
Jonathan Taylor will be taking that MVP.
They gave you a chance, Dak, and you blew it.
Thanks for reading.
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