We’ve played one football game which means it’s time to overreact, make wild declarations with limited evidence—and of course, my favorite—make fun of some guys.
Let’s not even waste time.
My laptop is 200 degrees.
I don’t even know if I’ll finish this article before my keyboard ignites. I’m using a Dell from the Obama administration.
Here are your NFL Week 1 Awards BAYBEEEEEEE
The Disaster Class Award: Miami Dolphins
The Miami Dolphins haven’t been the same since they won 11 games in 2023—looked like one of the greatest offenses ever—and then got obliterated in the Wild Card Round against the Kansas City Chiefs because it was cold outside.
They finished below .500 last season—but with everyone healthy and the arrival of Minkah Fitzpatrick—there was no reason to believe the Dolphins couldn’t return to the playoffs this season.
There’s a reason now…
Hey, at least Tua almost went a few minutes with the ball before throwing his first interception of the season! pic.twitter.com/pWpdJI8Das
— Ryan DePaul (@RyanDePaul) September 7, 2025
The Dolphins just got beached by a Colts team I expected to lose every single game.
That offense breaking records a couple seasons ago, scored 8 points.
Tua looked like he hadn’t thrown a football since Week 18 of the 2024 season.
Mike McDaniel was the young, vaping, offensive genius.
Nothing genius about rushing the ball only TWELVE times.
And two of those were scrambles by the QB.
Mike McDaniel called 10 running plays.
It’s like the Dolphins didn’t realize they had a game scheduled this weekend and scrambled out of bed quickly—to get dragged by a Colts team full of players and coaches desperate to maintain their jobs.
You cannot allow Daniel Jones to put 33 points on your head.
This is the type of game that gets soccer teams relegated to the minors.
The Dolphins play like this next week and they might have to switch places with the Birmingham Stallions.
The “Life Gets Better The Moment You Leave New Jersey” Award: Daniel Jones
Going into Week 1—the Indianapolis vibes were rough.
They just benched their first-round QB, Anthony Richardson, for Daniel Jones—an old desk chair the Colts found on a New Jersey suburban curb, with loose screws and busted wheels.
Then this happened:
Colts Daniel Jones with his first touchdown to Michael Pittman
Jones is 80 % Comp
— NFL Rumors (@nflrums) September 7, 2025
Colts head coach Shane Steichen busted out the WD-40 and a screwdriver—restoring Daniel Jones to a productive NFL starting quarterback.
Here’s what DJ did against the Dolphins D:
- 22-for-29 passing (75%)
- 272 passing yards
- 1 passing TD
- 0 interceptions
- 115.9 passer rating
- 2 rushing TDs
My guy left New Jersey and found purpose. A tale as old as time.
(I actually hate those hacky “your city sucks” jokes. New Jersey is fine. They have malls and shit. It’s whatever. Go Devils.)
The “Thank GOD This Guy Plays Football” Award: Jalen Carter
Jalen Carter played exactly zero snaps in Philadelphia’s Week 1 victory over the Cowboys.
He walked onto the field for the first play of the game—spit on Dak Prescott—and was escorted off the field.
We might not be able to figure out what a catch is but we’ve got Jalen Carter’s spit in 4K
— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 5, 2025
pic.twitter.com/xhv0Yr9JqP
Waited all offseason just to spit in Dak Prescott’s face and head home for the night without playing.
We should all be thankful this maniac chose to become an NFL defensive tackle—protected by a Super Bowl-contending organization responsible for his safety and well-being—as opposed to a 6-foot-3, 300-pound civilian with anger issues and mallets for fists.
I actually don’t have anything more to say about Jalen Carter because I have a low threshold for pain—and I will be annoyingggg if I wake up in a hospital bed with a tube down my throat—because Jalen didn’t think I was so funny.
I don’t need permanent boot marks on my torso.
The “Black Actors Gotta Stick Together” Award: Justin Fields
I know Week 1 had the most black starting quarterbacks in NFL history.
Our people have made tremendous progress—now, seemingly, being taken seriously as leaders of football teams.
Cool.
But I saw everyone get a little tooooooooooooo excited about Josh Allen beating Lamar Jackson.
Sunday night, “you people” went full mask off for a brief moment—celebrating your White Panther like he toppled Mansa Musa’s empire—so I won’t pretend as if we’ve defeated racism.
Let me take this moment to give a standing ovation to my boy, Justin Fields—who went head-to-head against Aaron Rodgers and his former team, the Pittsburgh Steelers—and put on a motherfucking SHOW out there.
Some things never change
— Woody (@woodyVSworld) September 7, 2025
Justin Fields finds Garrett Wilson for a TD 🔥 pic.twitter.com/tka6AKoLS8
3 touchdowns on a Pittsburgh defense that I’m told should not be allowing 3 touchdowns to Justin Fields.
The “Hey Man, This Guy Is Fucking SICK” Award: Justin Herbert
I feel like oftentimes, as we age, we forget what made us fall in love with sports to begin with.
Especially if you are mostly engaging with sports online—where it is all about repeating the same wack ass joke formats over and over and constantly ranking players instead of, ya know, enjoying the games.
So this new weekly award—the Hey Man, This Guy Is Fucking Sick Award—will be handed out to the player who reminds me most of why I love the game.
And yo, Justin Herbert is soooo sick.
JUSTIN HERBERT THROWS ACROSS THE FIELD WHILE HANGING IN THE AIR, A SEAM FOR A TOUCHDOWN,
— MLFootball (@_MLFootball) November 18, 2024
😱😱😱
HERBERT IS DEALING RIGHT NOW. PLAYING LIKE THE BEST QB IN THE LEAGUE.
pic.twitter.com/DK3vLQnVCu
Justin Herbert in the 4th quarter
— Griff (@Jram2TBJ) September 6, 2025
9/9 91 yards
1 TD
145.8 rating
Game clinching scramble on 3rd and longpic.twitter.com/R0Xp4rBh2H
JUSTIN HERBERT WITH AN INSANE THROW… HOW IN THE WORLD DID HE DO THIS.
— MLFootball (@_MLFootball) September 15, 2024
🤯🤯🤯
FREAK TALENT,
pic.twitter.com/3KSuKaA3ql
Justin Herbert threw for 318 yards and 3 touchdowns, outdueling Patrick Mahomes and beating the Chiefs ass in Brazil.
The Will Levis Award For Cartoonish Hijinks: Sam Darnold
The award formerly named after Carson Wentz—but changed due to a 2024 season in which Will Levis invented previously undiscovered ways to suck—Sam Darnold stepped up at the end of the game to secure this trophy for himself.
Nick Bosa. STRONG. 😤 pic.twitter.com/pSaexfMKeR
— NFL (@NFL) September 7, 2025
With his Seahawks down 13-17 to the San Francisco 49ers—Sam Darnold and the offense jogged onto the field with 1:34 left in the game.
It’s time for Sam Darnold to prove his 14-win 2024 with the Vikings wasn’t the result of devil magic.
Nick Bosa pushed Darnold’s right tackle into his back and the ball splooshed to the turf.
49ers win.
Lol.
The “Did You Guys Even Practice?” Award: Cincinnati Bengals
The Cincinnati Bengals had 141 total yards.
The only reason they’re 1-0 is thanks to Browns kicker, Andre Szmyt—missing a 36-yarder and an extra point.
This game was unwatchable.
While Lamar Jackson, Josh Allen and Justin Herbert started their MVP campaigns—Joe Burrow went 14-for-23 for 113 yards and a touchdown.
He was playing like prime Jake Delhomme out there.
If I try to talk about this game any longer—it’ll read like a 10th grader trying to fill the word count requirement for a DBQ.
This game sucked.
Ew.
The “He Can’t Keep Getting Away With This” Award: DeAndre Hopkins
In Houston, DeAndre Hopkins put on weekly carnival acts—contorting his body and retrieving footballs from the sky with one hand.
Well, it’s been a long, strange time since the Houston days.
Then he entered his nomad era, drifting from Arizona to Tennessee to Kansas City—like one of those Tinder swindlers scamming ladies across the country for money.
Big Netflix binge this weekend, yo.
Anyway, DeAndre Hopkins signed with the Baltimore Ravens this offseason—and in his first game in purple—DeAndre brought back his legendary circus act for the lovely sickos up in Buffalo:
DEANDRE HOPKINS ONE-HANDED SNAG FOR THE TD!!! 🤯😱
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) September 8, 2025
WOW. WOW. WOW.
(via @NFL)
pic.twitter.com/BJhv8R0mf5
We can’t keep letting this old man get away with this.
The “Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are?” Award: Kirk Cousins
In season 2 of Netflix’s “Quarterback” series—a show chronically the regular season of 3 select QBs—Kirk Cousins said he was upset about the Atlanta Falcons drafting Michael Penix Jr in the first round—about a month after they signed Kirk to his contract in free agency.
Cousins was coming off a torn Achilles—and although he was better than Desmond Ridder—and who isn’t?—I don’t think anyone would look back at his years in Minnesota and think “this player is irreplaceable”.
But Cousins getting into his feelings is even more lame when you actually watch Michael Penix Jr go blow-for-blow with Baker Mayfield—in a game that came down to a missed field goal by Falcons kicker Younghoe Koo.
Michael Penix Jr got the ball in the 4th quarter—Falcons down 13-17—and took them on an 18-play, 91-yard drive to go up 20-17.
Field General shit.
Baker Mayfield returned volley with a quick 5-play drive that took a little over a minute—to bring Tampa Bay back up 23-20.
So Penix had one last drive to get into field goal range with 59 seconds left in the game.
- 12-yard scramble for a first down
- 24-yard pass to McCloud
- 14-yard pass to Kyle Pitts
- 6-yard pass to Bijan Robinson
- 4-yard pass to Kyle Pitts
- spike the ball to stop the clock
- missed field goal
Kirk Cousins would have literally been sacked on every single one of those plays.
I do not want to know what Kirk Cousins thinks about anything ever again.
I know we don’t “cancel” people anymore—but I’m cancelling Kirk Cousins.
Shut the fuck up.
Michael Penix Jr is a star.
You’re Kirk.
The “First Round Picks Don’t Matter” Award: Green Bay Packers
For years, the Los Angeles Rams traded away first-round picks for star players—and for years, the Los Angeles Rams were Super Bowl contenders.
Turns out, acquiring proven, established, game-changing players makes it easier to win than buying a bunch of scratch-off lotto tickets and praying you win.
Micah Parsons was limited in Green Bay’s 27-13 victory over the Lions—but he was very much present.
MICAH PARSONS’ FIRST SACK AS A PACKER 🔥
— NFL (@NFL) September 7, 2025
DETvsGB on CBS/Paramount+https://t.co/HkKw7uXVnt pic.twitter.com/I5A5VNBchI
Parsons played only 22 pass-rush snaps.
He had 3 QB pressures and a sack.
He barely played and gave Jared Goff hell.
Once his back is figured out and he gets more familiar with the way Green Bay operates—another All-Pro season soon cometh.
Dallas can enjoy pick no. 30.
Maybe they’ll draft a player who generates a fraction of the pressure Parsons easily does.
The “Game, Blouses” Award: Budda Baker
We were moments from Spencer Rattler leading the New Orleans Saints on a 13-play drive down the field and into the endzone to tie the Arizona Cardinals 20-20—forcing an overtime battle for the young QB to plant his flag as the Saints new franchise QB.
Rattler was one throw from celebrity status.
A new era in New Orleans sports was beginning.
And then Cardinals safety Budda Baker ended that shit:
Excellent play by Budda Baker to secure the win pic.twitter.com/WOgYUpnwkv
— T.J. Randall (@TJ_Randall12) September 7, 2025
Kyle Hamilton gets all the love as the best safety in the NFL—and deservedly so.
He’s a warrior.
Good for him.
But if the Arizona Cardinals played as many nationally televised games as the Ravens—Budda Baker would have a Defensive Player of the Year trophy in his house.
Biggest Winner: Weather Delays
The NFL’s Thursday night season opener had an hour-long weather delay in the 3rd quarter—leading to some dreadful football.
The Cowboys and Eagles effortlessly marched up and down the field in the first half
. It looked like we were about to witness one of the best games of the season right off the bat.
Then, we spent an hour with Maria Taylor and Tony Dungy killing time—while lightning was striking down—turning the rest of the game into sludge.
CeeDee Lamb couldn’t catch a pass after.
Liam Coen had the Jacksonville Jaguars looking like the most balanced offense in the NFL.
The Jags went into the locker room at halftime with 128 passing and 134 rushing yards—up 20-3 on the Carolina Panthers.
And then a second-half weather delay shut off their electricity—leading to a special teams contest with a couple gross ass interceptions by both Trevor Lawrence and Bryce Young.
Growing up, I loved playing ESPN NFL 2K5, the one with Terrell Owens on the cover.
Man, those snow games were fun as shit to play in.
It is cool that these gladiators play through rain, sleet and snow.
But like, these weather delays are egregious.
No one wants to sit in the locker room for an hour and then go back out there and hit people.
Lightening won Week 1—and honestly, it’s undefeated.
Biggest Loser: Brian Daboll
The New York Giants brought Brian Daboll into their building to terraform Daniel Jones’s raw materials into the next Josh Allen.
Instead, Daboll used Jones as a battering ram—running QB dives up the middle over and over again—even won a playoff game against the Vikings—but in the end, Daboll could not extract DJ’s potential.
Daniel Jones joins Shane Stiechen in Indianapolis and instantly looked like an MVP candidate.
Meanwhile in New York:
Deatrich Wise Jr with instant pressure against Russell Wilson.
— Chad Ryan (@ChadwikoTWW) September 7, 2025
Just like we all predicted.#RaiseHail pic.twitter.com/kY2SaEUYKV
Now, you can say the offensive line didn’t hold up—or the OC, Mike Kafka, called bad playsVbut at the end of the day, Russell Wilson was a playoff QB last season with the Steelers and now he sucks.
Daniel Jones sucked with Brian Daboll—and now he’s about to make an All-Star team.
Excuses are done.
If the O-Line is so bad—why aren’t you coaching them up better?
If the OC is calling bad plays—why is he still allowed to do so?
Shockingly, a coach who won 3 games last season didn’t magically learn how to coach.
Brian Daboll, this is your tape.
Deadseriousness Top 50 Quarterbacks Heading Into The 2025 NFL Season
Thanks for reading.
Let me know your top 50 quarterbacks. Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
