We’ve seen each team play exactly one football which means it’s time to wildly overreact to the smallest sample size possible.
Let’s do the first NFL Power Rankings of the year and overreact to the only 4 quarters of football we’ve seen:
32. Miami Dolphins (0-1)
Overreaction: Blow up the team.
Fire GM Chris Grier.
Fire head coach Mike McDaniel.
Trade Tua Tagovailoa to a local Miami non-contact flag football team.
Send Tyreek Hill to prison for assaulting every woman who looks in his direction.
Blow up the Miami Dolphins.
It’s broken.
Everything’s broken.
31. New York Giants (0-1)
Overreaction: Never play Jaxson Dart
I understand Giants fans wanting Jaxson Dart to play immediately.
Why waste time having your first-round QB sit behind an aging QB who would rather throw the ball out of the back of the endzone than take a chance to squeeze a ball into a tight window because he’s an elderly man afraid to take risks.
However, Brian Daboll is a dogshit coach.
Mike Kafka’s entire offensive scheme is just clicking “Ask Madden.”
Don’t even let Jaxson Dart learn this shitty playbook.
Sit out and wait for the new playbook next year when new coaches come into the building.
30. Carolina Panthers (0-1)
Overreaction: Bryce Young physically cannot play in the NFL.
The Panthers first drive ended with a field goal after a failed 3rd and 5 on the Jags 30-yard line—where Bryce Young had to literally leave his feet and jump on his little tippy toes to throw the ball 12 yards to Hunter Renfrow.
Shout out to Jourdan Lewis breaking up the pass—his first of 3 pass breakups on the day.
But yea, Bryce Young is the size of a popular 8th grader.
What are we doing?
29. Seattle Seahawks (0-1)
Overreaction: Start Jalen Milroe
Between Zach Charbonnet, Kenneth Walker and Jalen Milroe—the Seattle Seahawks could have a Top 10 rushing attack in the NFL.
After watching Sam Darnold—whatever Seattle gets from their passing game is a bonus.
28. Detroit Lions (0-1)
Overreaction: Dan Campbell sucks
You know how every time one of Bill Belichick’s coordinators were given their own teams to run—they all failed.
Like, each and every time.
Josh McDaniels as an offensive coordinator for Tom Brady was unstoppable.
Josh McDaniels running his own team was a series of brutal, embarrassing and hilarious Final Destination deaths.
Well, that’s not the case in Detroit.
OC Ben Johnson and DC Aaron Glenn left Detroit—and the Lions went from exceptional and unique, well, back to the Detroit Lions they’ve been my entire lifetime (bad).
27. Tennessee Titans (0-1)
Overreaction: Cam Ward will never succeed in Tennessee
It’s not surprising that a team awful enough to earn the no. 1 overall pick most likely doesn’t have the infrastructure to help their young QB succeed but yea—I don’t see a world in which Cam Ward has a meaningful career wearing a Titans jersey.
26. New Orleans Saints (0-1)
Overreaction: Spencer Rattler is the Saints franchise QB
Although the Saints lost—Spencer Rattler almost won this game for them in the 4th quarter.
The game ended with a turnover on downs—but Rattler marched New Orleans down the field with 1:49 left in the game and was one throw away from tying the game.
Coming into the season—he was competing with Tyler Shough—honestly, one of the worst quarterbacks I’ve ever seen—and Jake Haener—a guy who was once suspended for taking steroids (and still sucking).
Spencer Rattler was the no. 1 prospect coming out of high school.
He may just be The Guy in New Orleans.
25. Dallas Cowboys (0-1)
Overreaction: CeeDee Lamb is an average wide receiver
Don’t let his 7 catches for 110 yards distract you from the fact that CeeDee Lamb is one of the most overrated receivers in the history of the sport.
He is paid and discussed like one of the best WRs in the game—when in reality—Lamb’s hands are trampolines that balls often bounce right off of.
CeeDee Lamb has the most drops in the NFL since the 2020 season.
AVERAGEEEEEE.
24. Houston Texans (0-1)
Overreaction: Nick Caley also sucks
Last season, the Houston Texans offense was mid—so they fired offensive coordinator Bobby Slowik in hopes of finding a new, more imaginative offensive system.
Enter Nick Caley—the 2024 Los Angeles Rams passing game coordinator.
In Week 1, the Texans scored 9 points, 0 touchdowns and were 2-for-9 on 3rd downs.
23. New England Patriots (0-1)
Overreaction: Mike Vrabel should be the Defensive Coordinator
Look, I’m not here to say a black man shouldn’t be employed.
We are in the midst of one of the highest unemployment rates in American history—especially for black folk.
Shout out to Terrell Williams.
But in his first game as a defensive play-caller—the Patriots let Geno Smith do whatever he wanted.
Geno Smith threw for 362 yards and a touchdown.
Mike Vrabel is a defensive coach and he’s given the reins to an unproven DC who couldn’t stop Geno fucking Smith.
22. Chicago Bears (0-1)
Overreaction: Caleb Williams is dogshit
I like Caleb Williams.
He’s far more fun to watch than most quarterbacks in this league.
And I hate the strange homophobia surrounding him because he paints his nails.
Insecure men will always attempt to prove just how manly they are by dogpiling on someone doing something out of the Man Checklist they look over before they leave the house in the morning.
That being said, Caleb Williams sure loves launching passes miles above the heads of his receivers.
Like, his incomplete passes are fucking uncatchable.
21. Cincinnati Bengals (1-0)
Overreaction: Zac Taylor should’ve been fired years ago
The Bengals beat the Cleveland Browns.
Barely.
Cincinnati had 141 yards.
Right now, after one game, they have the 31st-ranked offense in the NFL.
They invested all of their capital into Joe Burrow, Jamarr Chase and Tee Higgins—and their head coach has no idea how to utilize one of the best batteries in the NFL.
The Bengals sneaking into that Covid Super Bowl tricked ownership into believing Zac Taylor was a great head coach when he’s actually holding back what could be the next Greatest Show On Turf.
20. Cleveland Browns (0-1)
Overreaction: Just play Shedeur Sanders
The Browns got cute and drafted QB Dillon Gabriel in the 3rd round and then Sheduer Sanders in the 5th.
Cleveland is going to lose almost every single game this season.
The Bengals had 141 yards of offense and the Browns still found a way to lose.
At least give the fans something to talk about and come to the stadium to see.
Unleash Shedeur Sanders.
If he sucks—at least you know.
But fans and local media will be begging to see Deion’s son—and he has to stand on the sideline with his hands inside his shoulder pads—while 40-year-old Joe Flacco throws the ball to the other team and loses.
19. Las Vegas Raiders (1-0)
Overreaction: Ashton Jeanty is the next Trent Richardson
Ashton Jeanty is a bust.
Yes, Ashton Jeanty was breaking records in college—but he also played for Boise State.
He was outrunning future car salesmen and NFL position coaches.
All of those numbers were fake.
On Sunday, Jeanty ran for 38 yards on 19 carries.
Congrats on the phenomenal college career—but now that he’s playing against actual NFL talent—he’s just a guy.
18. Los Angeles Rams (1-0)
Overreaction: Puka Nacua is going to die on the football field
It feels like every single time Puka Nacua is healthy enough to play an NFL game—he leaves the games early with a brutal injury.
This week, that man’s eyeball almost fell out of his cranium.
I don’t even think this is a hot take.
I mean, we’ve seen Tua Tagovailoa and Damar Hamlin die on the field.
Puka Nacua is 1000% going to have his heart stop trying to get yards after the catch on a random play in the 1st quarter—but he’ll come back for the game-winning touchdown reception in the 4th.
17. Denver Broncos (1-0)
Overreaction: Bo Nix will always be the reason the Broncos aren’t good enough.
I have to give credit to Sean Payton for coming out of retirement, calling his shot with Bo Nix, and making the playoffs last season—with a quarterback known in college exclusively for throwing screens.
But as great as Payton is at creating an offensive scheme—you cannot win a Super Bowl with a quarterback who seems to only be able to make throws on the run.
Throwing on the run is hard.
It’s difficult to get your throwing mechanics correct every single time—resulting in a ton of interceptions and just bad throws.
Until I see Bo Nix hang in the pocket and make consecutive great throws—I’m convinced all of his little bootleg and gadget plays will fail.
16. New York Jets (0-1)
Overreaction: Justin Fields will be the best QB in New York Jets history
Justin Fields went band-for-band with Aaron Rodgers—one of the greatest of all time.
After being jettisoned from Chicago and Pittsburgh—I think Fields found the perfect situation to maximize his talents.
Justin Fields threw a TD pass and ran for two scores.
I watched Vinny Testaverde and Chad Pennington’s mediocrity for years.
Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers had their worst years in Jets jerseys.
But at 26 years old—and with the partnership of new head coach Aaron Glenn—Justin Fields is about to become the king of New Jersey.
15. Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
Overreaction: Kirk Cousins is a bitch
I cannot believe Kirk Cousins took it personally when Atlanta drafted Michael Penix Jr out of Washington—and was upset he got benched for a guy who clearly has complete control of the Falcons offense.
Kirk Cousins really thought—at age 100 with a busted Achilles—he was better than the 2023 Maxwell Award winner—Michael Penix Jr.—who looks like he’s on pace to erase Falcons fans memories of Mike Vick and Matt Ryan—while Kirk Cousins is still pretending like the Covid vaccine is the devil—or whatever lame religious reason these losers explained away their fear or the uncertain.
14. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1)
Overreaction: The Patrick Mahomes era is over
Last season, Patrick Mahomes didn’t have the MVP stats we’ve seen previously.
But the Kansas City Chiefs won 15 games regardless.
But what if Mahomes’s run is just over?
We think great players have career-long peaks when we’ve seen so many superstars fall off long before old age.
It doesn’t help that Mahomes has an offensive line in love with jumping offsides and receivers who can’t get open—but we gave Mahomes the GOAT crown.
He’s like, the 6th-best quarterback in the NFL right now.
And falling.
13. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0)
Overreaction: Travis Hunter can do whatever he wants
Altough Travis Hunter only played 6 snaps on defense—he still made history and demonstrated proof of concept.
He can play both offense and defense.
We may look back at all the hemming and hawing before the season and realize “yeah, duh. of course he can play both”.
Now, he wasn’t really tested because Bryce Young has to sit in his parents’ lap to reach the steering wheel of his car—but yea, no, this isn’t that big of a deal.
12. Washington Commanders (1-0)
Overreaction: Deebo Samuel is the most important player on the Commanders
Deebo Samuel was instrumental in the 49ers making two Super Bowls.
He asked for the compensation he deserved—and suddenly, I was waterboarded with a ton of propaganda about how Deebo isn’t that good compared to other receivers—but watching the Commanders drag my beloved Giants up and down the field—the broadcast could not stop saying Deebo’s name.
He was all over the field with a rushing touchdown and 7 catches for 77 yards.
11. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)
Overreaction: The 49ers are “America’s” team now
Watching the 49ers play—between Brock Purdy and George Kittle and Christian McCraffrey and Ricky Pearsall and Kyle Juszczyk
and Nick Bosa—this is the most white playmakers an NFL team has had since segregation.
This is MAGA’s team.
These boys are playing for their opportunity to take pictures with Donald Trump in the White House after they win the Super Bowl.
I already know someone in that locker room said out loud today, “that’s not even Trump’s signature” on the little love note he sent Jeffrey Epstein for his birthday.
10. Arizona Cardinals (1-0)
Overreaction: Kyler Murray has finally figured it out
I’ve been rooting for Kyler Murray to become a superstar since the moment he entered the NFL.
He is one of the most dynamic and exciting QBs I’ve ever watched—but man, does he love losing games.
I understand beating a Saints team that’s competing for the No. 1 draft overall ick doesn’t launch Murray into the MVP convo—but this was a super efficient game with Kyler completing 72% of his passes with 2 touchdowns and a 108.8 passer rating.
Deadseriousness is the home for any and all Kyler Murray glazing.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0)
Overreaction: Aaron Rodgers is still a Top 5 QB in the NFL
I was adamant Rodgers would suck and rookie QB, Will Howard, would start more games than him this season.
But Aaron was right.
Anyone who was vaccinated should shut the fuck up about him.
Rodgers threw 4 touchdown passes and led the game-winning field goal drive—just like the old days.
Perhaps I need to be less judgmental and book my trip to Indonesia to take DMT in the wilderness.
8. Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
Overreaction: JJ McCarthy is the greatest QB in Minnesota Vikings history
JJ McCarthy was the first quarterback in NFL to score 3 touchdowns in the 4th quarter of his first career game.
Sorry Case Keenum but I’m ready to call JJ the Vikings GOAT.
Leif Erikson would be proud.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0)
Overreaction: The offensive coordinator doesn’t matter, Baker is great
First, Dave Canales was given credit for getting Baker Mayfield back on track.
The no. 1 overall pick had 5 years of disappointing play before joining the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and looking like the guy we saw proudly planting Oklahoma’s flag on the away field.
But then Dave Canales became the Panthers OC and Liam Coen was Baker’s new offensive coordinator.
Didn’t matter.
Baker had an even better 2024 season than 2023.
And now he just walked the Atlanta Falcons down at the end of their game and threw a clutch touchdown pass to secure the dub.
It doesn’t matter who is calling the plays for Baker Mayfield.
He is HIM.
6. Green Bay Packers (1-0)
Overreaction: The Packers have the best defense in the NFL
Micah Parsons has only been in Wisconsin for a week and he’s transformed this entire defense—as they made the 2024 no. 1 ranked offense look like they hadn’t practiced since last season.
Micah Parsons barely played and the whole vibe of that defensive unit was different.
Last season, the Packers defense finished 6th in points allowed.
And now they’ve dropped one of the best pass rushers of his generation into the spine of this unit.
The Packers are going to put opposing offenses in ACHE-EE-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS.
5. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)
Overreaction: The Eagles are going back to the Super Bowl
The AFC is STACKED with the best quarterbacks in the NFL.
The NFC?
Eh, not so much.
Jalen Hurts only had to throw for 152 yards to beat the Cowboys.
Although they didn’t have a sack—their defense still recorded 5 QB hits with Jalen Carter in the locker room throwing darts at photos of Dak Prescott.
AJ Brown, one of the best receivers in the NFL, had 1 catch for 8 yards.
He could’ve been in the parking lot smoking cigs with Jalen Carter and it wouldn’t have mattered.
This is the most balanced team in the conference.
4. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)
Overreaction: Justin Herbert is the MVP
I said it earlier this week but Justin Herbert is soooo sick.
He went possession-for-possession with Patrick Mahomes—and was easily the best QB in the game.
It wasn’t close.
Herbert started dating Madison Beer and suddenly, he’s figured it out.
He has the confidence I wish Trevor Lawrence had.
Justin Herbert may be unstoppable this season—and all it took was another year with Jim Harbaugh and losing his virginity to a model.
3. Baltimore Ravens (0-1)
Overreaction: John Harbaugh should be fired
After blowing a double-digit lead in the 4th quarter—Ravens head coach John Harbaugh broke his own record with his 10th blown double-digit 4th quarter lead.
The Baltimore Ravens will never win another Super Bowl with Terrapin Kyle Shanahan running the show.
2. Buffalo Bills (1-0)
Overreaction: Josh Allen is the best QB in the NFL
I recognize that many people came to this conclusion last season—but Lamar Jackson was better than Josh Allen.
Nothing anyone says can convince me otherwise.
That being said, Josh Allen coming back from a 25-40 deficit in the 4th quarter to beat Lamar Jackson’s Ravens has me ready to—perhaps, consider, that maybe—Josh Allen actually is the best quarterback in the NFL.
Again, these are Week 1 overreactions.
I will take this back after Lamar Jackson gets 400 total yards and 5 touchdowns next week.
1 . Indianapolis Colts (1-0)
Overreaction: The Colts are the best team in the NFL
I have the Colts ranked no. 1.
Clearly I am overreacting more than anyone outside of Indianapolis.
And honestly—even Colts fans would think this is a massive overreaction—but fuck it, we’re here.
The Colts obliterated the Miami Dolphins in a 33-8 snuff film.
I’m all the way in on Carlie Irsay on the sidelines with a fake headset micro-managing the team.
She is the polar opposite of her father.
She’s alive and sober.
Apparently, that’s all it takes to turn the Colts around.
Who knew?
Thanks for reading.
Let me know if your Week 1 overreactions. Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee
