MLB Must Ban The New York Yankees New Illegal Bats

On Saturday afternoon, the New York Yankees turned the Milwaukee Brewers into the Milwaukee sewers—pissing all over them in a 20-9 beatdown—to the point where I was genuinely concerned Milwaukee may still believe these are just Spring Training scrimmages.

The Yankees started the game hitting 3 consecutive home runs off the first 3 pitches.

It was batting practice in the Bronx.

Aaron Judge hit 3 homers, including a 3rd inning grand slam.

AARON JUDGE GRAND SLAM. pic.twitter.com/I7EpM42x6S

— MLB (@MLB) March 29, 2025

New York was playing on easy mode all day.

But Yankees announcer, Michael Kay, dry snitched on the air—explaining the Yankees entered the season with new bat designs, specifically optimized to generate dingers.

Michael Kay explains that the Yankees made new bats “where they moved a lot of the wood into the label so the harder part of the bat is going to strike the ball.”

Seems relevant today… pic.twitter.com/cpldzigdrT

— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) March 29, 2025

“You see the shape of Chisholm’s bat? The Yankee front office, the analytics department, did a study on Anthony Volpe, and every single ball it seemed like he hit on the label. He didn’t hit any on the barrel, so they had bats made up where they moved a lot of the wood into the label, so the harder part of the bat is going to actually strike the ball. It’ll allow you to wait a little bit longer.”

MLB must ban these Yankees bats

I don’t think these Yankees bats should be banned because they are some major ethical violation.

In an era where pitchers who can’t throw fastballs over 95mph become catchers, batters need any advantages they can find.

No-hitters aren’t special anymore—they happen as frequently as I change my car’s oil.

Pitching science has progressed into quantum mechanics where guys like Paul Skenes have mastered the ability to throw, like, 5 different pitches that break in 5 unique ways, all from the say exact throwing release—granting hitters about a millisecond to decipher what type of pitch is coming their way.

Adjusting the barrel of bats to perfectly match where that specific hitter likes to make contact with the ball might save baseball from a new dead ball era.

And it’s not as if all the Yankees homers came from these new bats. Only Jazz Chisholm and Anthony Volpe are using the ‘torpedo’ bat.

Most of the homers from Saturday’s Smackdown were the result of Nestor Cortes underhanding beach balls down the middle of the plate as if he was still on the Yankees payroll.

Between the World Series against the Dodgers and his first start of the 2025 season against the Yankees—Nestor Cortes has given up 6 home runs in 3.3 innings pitched.

Those are beer softball league numbers.

Nestor Cortes did not speak to reporters postgame because he already left Yankee Stadium, the Brewers say.

— Max Goodman (@MaxTGoodman) March 29, 2025

Hard out here for a wimp.

You can’t blame the bats for the Brewers inability to get outs.

I don’t even think the bats—again, only being used by just two players in the lineup—break Major League Baseball rules.

Here’s what the rulebook says about bats:

“The bat shall be a smooth, round stick not more than 2.61 inches in diameter at the thickest part and not more than 42 inches in length. The bat shall be one piece of solid wood.” It also notes that teams cannot use “experimental” bats unless the league gives clubs the green light.

So then…wait…why should these Yankees bats be illegal?

Whatever happened to the good ol days?

Back when hitters wanted an advantage, they’d head over to a Florida strip mall “doctor” with a secret backroom full of supplements farmers give cows to make tomahawk steaks.

Guys used to bend over in the clubhouse and let their teammates inject that sweet sweet home run juice into their butts before they sprinted onto the field—veins popping out of their skin where veins didn’t even exist before—ready to smash car windshields with home runs they swat into the parking lots.

These new Yankees bats are the nerdiest possible way to cheat. Even if it’s technically not cheating, this is some geek stuff.

I want Jazz Chisholm on that Mark McGwire diet.

Chicken breast. Asparagus. HGH. Miller Lite. Repeat.

Now a whole generation of kids will grow up experimenting with bats that perfectly match their swing patterns, working closely with sports scientists and architects and shit—instead of experimenting with harmful drugs and chemicals, working closely with pseudo-scientists and conmen.

What type of example does this send the youth?

Oh, if you’re smart you’ll succeed?

Disgusting.

Bring back the clear. We need BALCO now more than ever.

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