Dear Riley Gaines,

 

I pray this reaches your eyes—although I understand how busy you must be changing the world.

See, you are an inspiration to folks like me.

Whenever I see you trending—standing up against trans women in sports—a non-issue to most people because statistically, there are sooooo few trans women attempting to participate in women’s sports that—to the dumb, idiot common man—seems like a complete waste of time to spend a single ounce of energy caring about as everything in this country becomes more expensive while no one’s wages increase to match the cost of living.

That’s why we need more loud voices like yours, Riley.

We cannot allow so many people to go day-to-day struggling to afford their rent or put food on their family’s table—selfishly laser-focused on their own, tiny problems—when, somewhere out there, there’s a trans girl who wants to play on her school’s JV softball team.

Riley, your priorities are spot-on.

Over the weekend, I’m sure you were shocked to see 7-time Olympic gold medalist, Simone Biles, call you irresponsible names on Twitter when you simply wanted to point your lovely, respectful, well-behaved audience of activists directly at a Minnesota high school who dared have a trans woman pitch on their team.

This small, local school 1000% needs national attention for daring to give a child the small gift of camaraderie and friendship and competition when that vile trans girl could’ve sent a batter to the hospital with a fastball to the skull.

Someone could’ve died.

And Simone Biles had the nerve to call you some sort of bigot when all you want to do is protect hypothetical helpless girls against hypothetical unfair treatment in women’s athletics against hypothetical supermen who are coming by the masses to destroy women’s sports—an issue that should be the most important thing on everyone’s minds all the time.

I loved your response video to this whole mess.

Simone Biles attempted to body shame you when she tweeted, “bully someone your own size, which would ironically be a male”.

Disgusting tweet.

Your response was perfect.

When you said, “I’m 5-foot-5. I’m not overly tall. About 130-135 pounds. What I would describe as pure muscle,” before you bragged about how great your body percentage was in college.

And then after you reassured us listeners that you’re “very secure”. T

hen you showed your phone was full of so many positive messages that it literally couldn’t even open up the messages app.

Oh, and then you went back to talking about your height—claiming Wikipedia has you at 5-foot-9 when, again, we all know you’re a tiny little muscle-bound 5-foot-5 freedom machine.

I loved when you, then, included a clip of your husband recording your height with a measuring tape it a video that I could see be boring to most people but sometimes dishing the facts out is boring. I get it.

It was such a powerful response that I couldn’t even finish the video.

I was filled with too much motivation and hope.

I could only get to the 15-minute mark before your calm, monotone, righteous rambling made me have to rush to my laptop and type up this fan letter for you.

We’re not so different, you and I, Riley.

I, too, peaked when I was 20 years old and will say or do anything for money.

You deserve your “chair” with the America First Policy Institute—a think tank privately funded by billionaires (whose names are hidden), with the purpose of spreading Donald Trump’s good word to the masses. They even spent millions upon millions to fight against Trump’s election fraud. Very good use of money while the number of homeless people increases by the hour.

I love your super important and totally not made-up position of “Vice Chair of America First Athletics Coalition”.

Remember when Trump signed all those executive orders within 24 hours of becoming the president? Yup, I know you guys at the AFPI wrote all those documents up for him and were ready to go the second he was sworn in.

It is so brave of you to make millions of dollars, traveling the country and showing up on Fox News, to repeat the same talking points over and over, with no real statistics or studies or information behind anything you say.

Just the unfilitered righteousness of a woman, as I’ve heard you say, “on the right side of history”.

Yes, history will definitely look back fondly on the woman who was a decent swimmer in college, whined about it, and tripped backwards into a net of cash as a perpetual crybabybitch, popping up whenever a trans athlete dare exist.

I wish to have your level of bravery, to look people in the eyes and pretend to give a shit about the gender of high school athletes—anxiety-ridden by the fear that this issue will suddenly disappear—leaving you with nothing to show for your life but a couple trophies you earned as a teenager and a decade of bullshitting for a seat on the rocketship to Mars where you have to shoot a turkey baster of Elon Musk’s sperm up in there to gain entry onto the vessel.

I hope I one day have the opportunity to sell out—dedicating my life to harming the people with the least amount of power in this country, so I can afford the life the people writing my checks are desperately trying to strip from most Americans.

You are the GOAT of being a crybabybitch. Salute.

 

 

 

Oh, here’s the video to Riley Gaines response to Simone Biles. I dare you to get through all 37 minutes without selfharming.

 

 

 

 

What are your thoughts on Money in the Bank 2025?  Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. 

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