Corruption is up double digits right now.
And Texas just stole the ball again—throwing an oop to themselves off the backboard.
The team up 50 now wants to change the rules to make sure they always stay up.
Texas’s new proposed redistricting map—the redrawing of district boundaries—will guarantee Republicans 5 more congressional seats.
You always know someone in power cares about marginalized people by the way they alter maps to suppress the voices of those marginalized people.
Rather than being good at their jobs, they’d rather change the rulebook.
This low-T environment is the perfect landing spot for 3-time MLB All-Star Mark Teixeira.
Mark Teixeira prepared his whole life for this
Big news: I’m ready to go!
As a lifelong conservative who loves this country, I’m running for Congress to fight for the principles that make Texas and America great.
It takes teamwork to win – I’m ready to help defend President Trump’s America First agenda, Texas families,… pic.twitter.com/bVb6j9qP6i
— Mark Teixeira (@teixeiramark25) August 28, 2025
In his press release, Mark said he wants to help Donald Trump end the “woke indoctrination”.
OHHHH BROOOTHER.
Just a boot licking dork.
These people don’t actually “believe” in anything.
They just want to kiss themselves in the mirror.
Thank you, Mark. You’re a hero for saving us from “woke”. That will surely raise our wages and make housing more affordable.
After nearly winning the MVP in 2009—on the road to winning the New York Yankees last championship—MLB teams started getting smarter.
In the early 2010s, teams figured out every hitter’s tendencies and devised specific defensive shifts to nullify them.
From 2003 to 2009, Mark never hit worse than .280.
From 2010 to 2016, Teixeira never hit more than .260.
Teams were leaving the entire 3rd base side on the infield wide open for Mark to just bloop a ball down the line—but instead, he always pulled the ball directly where gloves were.
The shift literally ended his career.
He was batting .204 in his final season before the Yankees had to Of Mice and Men him.
His disintegration at the hands of the shift can be directly related to Major League Baseball banning the shift.
Instead of Mark Teixeira and other left-handed batters going back into the lab and walking out as better, well-rounded hitters—they had to change the rules.
How will Mark Teixeira Run Texas?
Texas is a state with a brutal, devastating flood season.
Just this July, 119 people died in a flood earlier this summer.
It is one of the deadliest floods in United States history.
Those of us fortunate enough not to be those 119 folks in Central Texas—we lived through history.
It’s the reason why this congressional seat is vacant.
Congressman Chip Roy is climbing the 119 skulls to a promotion—as he runs for Texas Attorney General—leaving his congressional seat open for Mark Teixeira.
Speaking of which, how would Mark Teixeira respond in life-or-death, high-pressure, on-the-spot decisions like managing one of the deadliest floods ever?
Well, let’s look how he performed in the postseason—when the games matter most.
When the money was made.
When all of your hard work throughout an arduous 162-game schedule—traveling across the country (and sometimes Canada)—is potentially rewarded with a trophy—letting everyone on Earth know that you and your teammates—your brothers—were the best fucking team in the world.
Here’s a quick look at some of Teixeira’s playoff stats:
- 40 games
- 183 plate appearances
- .222 batting average
- .659 OPS
- 34 strikeouts
- 3 home runs
A man with 409 career home runs, Mark Teixeira, when all eyes were on him, hit 3 homers in 183 plate appearances.
Very smooooooth under pressure.
He’ll most likely win the seat. He’s rich and white. He’s checked off the only two boxes that matter there. Plus, he was once accused of being racist against Latino players—so he’ll win in a landslide.
We’re all going to die
Do we want to keep talking about the depressing realities of a world in which one, harmful, anti-intellectual, anti-medicine, anti-anything gay or brown ideology—has taken the reins of the country—with no plans of ever handing the reins back…
…OR DO YOU WANNA SEE SOME DINGERS?!?!
DINGERS! DINGERS!
Thanks for reading.
Let me know if you also hate spelling Mark Teixeira’s name . Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
