I’ve decided to eat the malware and illegally stream the 2026 Royal Rumble. I will forever be a mark for that countdown, anticipating the next entrant.
So here is me, rolling out of bed, like, 4 hours before the event starts, to share my WWE Royal Rumble 2026 predictions. Let’s start with the women’s rumble:
Women’s Royal Rumble
Who will win: Bianca Belair
This is the healthiest woman on Earth, sitting at home with Montez, neither of them allowed on television for very different reasons.
Bianca feigning injury until she sprints out 30th, healthy as hell, to win the Rumble and beat Jade Cargill at Wrestlemania.
(Montez, a wonderful stay-at-home father).
Who I think should win: Blake Monroe
What are we doing? Mariah May participated in two of the biggest matches in the history of women’s wrestling. She doesn’t need to “learn” anything while one of the Bella Twins and CM Punk’s wife gets airtime.
Blake Monroe and Tiffany Stratton should’ve had a Last Woman Standing match by now.
Why do we have to slow cook Mariah May while simultaneously terrified of allowing Jade Cargill to compete in a singles match as world champion?
Biggest surprise: Lash Legend in the final two
Deadseriousness is a Lash Legend stan account so perhaps this is wishcasting but Lash and Bianca will have a little mini match at the end before Bianca slays the giants.
Men’s Royal Rumble
Who will win: Bron Breakker
Feels like I scrolled past a leak revealing Bron Breakker as the no. 1 entrant but I don’t know, I was off the weed last night. I could’ve made that up. I be day dreaming.
Not usually about Bron fucking Breakker though, so.
Anyway, yea, good for Bron getting his Wrestlemania night with CM Punk.
Can’t wait to see what new, innovative ways they’ll concuss each other.
Who I think should win: Powerhouse Hobbs
Drew McIntyre and Sami Zayn are in a world championship feud. In 2026.
Time to light some TNT around professional wrestling.
Sign Hobbs, have him enter 2nd, and let him annihilate the roster all night, showing us how violent and dangerous he is, and then let him steamroll Drew or Sami at Mania to start the year on fire.
Biggest surprise: No Jericho
I don’t believe Jericho will make his WWE return until after Wrestlemania.
He’s going to need the full calendar to make the audience care about his retirement the following Mania.
What is he supposed to do? Is he in the elimination chamber now?
Like, is this old man a main eventer?
If not, what does he do for a Mania match this year?
I think WWE is throwing breadcrumbs to get more views on the Rumble but yea, Y2J won’t be there.
Drew McIntyre (c) vs. Sami Zayn Undisputed Championship
Who will win: Drew
Drew has a big Wrestlemania to lose.
Putting the title on Sami doesn’t make sense when the Rumble/Chamber winners are almost 100% guaranteed to win the title.
Why give Sami his first-ever world championship, in Saudi fucking Arabia, just to give it to Cody Rhodes or someone later?
If anything, you have Sami lose the big title fight, again, and give him a huge, emotional Elimination Chamber victory, he goes on to finally win the belt Night 1 main event. Confetti falling. Kevin Owens in an El Generico mask celebrating in the ring with him.
Who I think should win: Drew
For all the things I just said…
Biggest surprise: a clean finish
I don’t think a masked man in all black will mess this up. I know Triple H is in some empty conference room, pacing, wondering if he should send Jacob Fatu or Brock Lesnar out to spoil this ending but I think the story works best if Sami just isn’t good enough to win, yet.
Gunther vs. AJ Styles
Who will win: Gunther
This is a retirement match. AJ Styles is retiring. Gunther just retired Goldberg and John Cena. So yea, duh.
Who I think should win: AJ Styles
The Royal Rumble matches will be predictable and boring. Almost guaranteed. Good ideas and Triple H yet to meet, so he’ll shock us by saving AJ Styles’s retirement for some slow-motion Wrestlemania match with Chris Jericho no one asked for.
Biggest surprise: The match is good
My biggest fear going into this Rumble is having to sit through snoozefest singles matches where two guys move like they’ve increased the gravity in the arena, until they take turns hitting finishers back and forth, kicking out last minute, cinema.
But AJ is at the finish line. Gunther is the best wrestler in the building.
We’re getting an AJ vs. Samoa Joe X-Division title match.
So you all live from Saudi Arabia! Very cool and normal!!
The Pipe Bomb: Did AEW Fumble Powerhouse Hobbs? and Road Dogg Gets Exposed
If you enjoyed what you read, head over to our Substack. We’ve got more content making fun of the ridiculous world we live in, sent directly to your email inbox daily.
Follow us over on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
