Jake Haener Suspended 6 Games For Taking Mid

Jake Haener is a quarterback we all just found out about this week when it was reported he’d miss 6 games for breaking the NFL’s PED policy.

Haener’s suspension is for violating the PED policy, per source. https://t.co/yKtYj2KyhH

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) September 6, 2023

The rookie 4th round pick out of Fresno State was popped for steroids on the day before the season started.

Do you understand how terrible you have to be at throwing footballs to be sitting in a quarterback room with Derek Carr, Jameis Winston and Tayson fucking Hill and think to yourself “I need to get an edge”?

I just feel bad for Haener. Those PEDs obviously didn’t work. He was a 4th string QB behind a tight end. His dealer tricked him for sure.

We’ve all been burned by the plug. Before weed was legal in New York, it was a coinflip whether your drug dealer was going to give you fire or literal backyard garden weeds.

I’m sure Haener’s PED guy already blocked his number when he saw his final preseason stats of 395 yards, 1 touchdown to three interceptions only completing 52% of his passes in 3 games. An all-time finesse. His drug dealer had Haener drinking the secret stuff from Space Jam.

Haener’s reputation is ruined. His career is most likely over. All because he took some mid steroids.

But he’ll always have this randomly incredible throw to show kids when he inevitably becomes a quarterback coach for a Division II college:

I believe Jake Haener was on juice when he made this Patrick Mahomes-type of pass against the Chargers preseason game. 😂 pic.twitter.com/q2Le6bSQ1h https://t.co/fsMXYveDfD

— ⚜ WHO DAT Cool Breesy ⚜ (@Steve2duhO) September 6, 2023

He could’ve been a perennial preseason legend making cashing in backup quarterback checks for the next decade. But he went to drugs.

We need to bring back D.A.R.E.

Random Stray Thoughts:

Jake Haener looks like he’s the star of a new CW series about high school football. But there are also vampires and magic involved. And there’s a season 5 crossover with Green Arrow for no reason.
My man makes low six figures after taxes. No one should be surprised he couldn’t afford all the chemicals Barry Bonds has in his bloodstream right now.

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.