I Loved The 2023 Baltimore Orioles

As a lifelong Yankees fan, it typically infuriates me to see any other team from the American League East experience any level of success but the 2023 Baltimore Orioles were special.

The 2023 Baltimore Orioles finished with a 101- 61 record. It was the first 100-win season for this franchise since 1980 thanks to a magical one-off pitching season from my guy, Steve Stone.

This organization spent the last decade living in mud and squalor only to come out of the other side with a stacked roster full of young, homegrown juggernauts who all seemingly have unlimited potential.

Unfortunately, their season came to a brutal end following a sweep to the Texas Rangers in the ALDS.

It was the first time the Orioles had been swept in any 3-game series since May 15th, 2022 which is significant because their All-Star, franchise cornerstone catcher, Adley Rutschman, was called up to the big leagues a few days later.

Rutschman showed up and Baltimore became the ’98 Chicago Bulls.

Now, this isn’t the first time Baltimore has had a talented roster.

In the 2000s they had Brian Roberts, Miguel Tejada and even Sammy Sosa at the tail end of his HGH prescription.

In the 2010s they had Manny Machado, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis and Chris Davis (until Chris wished for a massive contract with the monkey paw he found that caused him to lose all of his baseball talent).

But there’s something different about the 2023 Baltimore Orioles roster.

This is the whitest baseball team since Jackie Robinson stole home base. It is remarkable to find this many white boys outside of the Barstool Sports office. The Orioles clubhouse is somehow whiter than a Travis Scott concert.

Adley Rutchman is the best catcher in baseball. 20 homers. 80 RBIs. 127 wRC+.

Shortstop Gunner Henderson is going to take home the Rookie of the Year trophy. 28 homers. 82 RBIs. 123 wRC+.

Kyle Bradish is the new Ace for the squad with a 2.83 ERA, 168 strikeouts and a 146 ERA+.

Adley, Gunner and Kyle. An unbelievable roster full of ‘do you know who my father is?’ type white boys.

They have names like descendants of problematic men who’ve had their statues taken down. They look like they scream the n-word at the top of their lungs on the team bus when rap comes up after hours of listening to Try That In A Small Town on repeat.

They look like they’re about to break down how Baby Gronk rizzed up Livvy Dunne.

It feels impossible to get this many white boys on the same team. Like, it feels as though there should’ve been some sort of diversity initiative by now to prevent this.

With the league being dominated by Latin America, the 2023 Baltimore Orioles feel like a throwback to an era where boys were boys, men were men and our water fountains were very separate and not equal.

The Orioles are out here to make America great again.

Stephen A. Smith once yelled that Anaheim Angels star, Shohei Ohtani, could never be the face of Major League Baseball because he’s Japanese and needs a translator to communicate.

That is for sure not a problem in Baltimore. They can speak the hell out of the English language while brushing their bangs out of their face the whole time.

And it sucks seeing them swept out of the playoffs so soon before more of the nation could see the talent and overall lack of melanin.

Major League Baseball needs a new team we can all collectively hate together. The Houston Astros just don’t have that juice anymore. Something feels off mocking Jose Altuve when he’s clearly developed mental health issues from, well, getting called out for cheating.

The Red Sox aren’t good enough to bother me anymore. The Rays are one medical emergency away from bankruptcy. Baltimore is full of guys who will sit behind you in the theatre and ruin Fast and Furious for you.

Baseball seasons are too long and without storylines to keep casual fans engaged, MLB has slowly slipped in visibility.

You could watch an hour of Sportscenter and they won’t mention baseball until the Top 10 plays to end the show. And it’ll be the most unbelievable double play you’ve ever witnessed coming in at No. 10 behind Steph Curry hitting a half-court shot in an empty gym and Deion Sanders doing push-ups with his players.

This Orioles team has the potential to be so hated. If they made it all the way to the World Series, their very existence would’ve created a hilarious culture war as Fox News-types suddenly fall in love with this scrappy group of underdogs who play the game the ‘right way’.

And all of these guys are under 30 so they’re not going anywhere.

Oh, and there’s more coming up next year:

Jackson Holliday climbed from Single-A to Triple-A in his first full pro season and finished with a .323/.442/.499 line — all at just 19.

The No. 1 overall prospect is the MiLB Hitting Prospect of the Year: https://t.co/LNUIN5ZXCO pic.twitter.com/STAWqwm5LU

— MLB Pipeline (@MLBPipeline) October 3, 2023

There’s a teenager who looks like he’s watched every single Andrew Tate video about to suddenly pop up in the lineup and win another Rookie of the Year trophy for the (Suburban) Baltimore Orioles.

I am fully rooting for the pale Avengers to dominate next season. Baseball needs this. I cannot wait to truly despise these guys. Stay healthy and use all the sunscreen.