Look, guys, believe it or not, I’m not Scrooge McDucking into a pool of gold dublooms every AM.
Stephen A. Smith is one of the most financially successful black men in media and if I want to make the big dollars, I need to follow his formula to get paid: smooch rich white men—telling them exactly what they want to hear.
Once a week, I scroll past a moving photo of this George Jefferson head ass, tie tied around his neck like a dog collar, live from his garage, that annoying purple-patterned poster behind him—with some eye-rolling headline like “Stephen A. Smith thinks the Larry O’Brien trophy should be renamed after Charlie Kirk” or “Stephen A. Smith believes Kamala Harris would be president if she stopped letting all those trans immigrants over the border”
Stephen A’s always been a boot-licking worm.
One of his first big viral moments, shouting “STAY OFF THE WEEEEEEED”.
He didn’t use his massive voice and( black) face to question why minorities were overwhelmingly more subject to the negative consequences of smoking weed—the American justice system belly full from devouring black people who dared smoke weed.
SAS told black athletes to keep their heads down and get paid.
He wasn’t a journalist, questioning the system.
Completely incurious as to the how or why the system was almost exclusively punishing black people—just advising athletes to be incurious as well.
Follow the rules and nothing bad will happen to us.
Tap dancing from the jump.
One year ago, he signed a 5-year, $100 million contract extension with ESPN—Gene Kelly with it.
It’s getting expensive out here.
New war, prices wallet-busting.
If I plan on surviving, I’ll need to learn Stephen A.’s methods.
Thankfully, this week, another masterclass on how to suck the ring dry.
On Monday, Shams reported the NBA will hold a vote at the board of governors meetings next week to explore adding expansion teams exclusively in Las Vegas and Seattle—targeted to start play in the 2028-29 season.
Stephen A. Smith—the master of centering white people’s needs first and foremost—immediately proposed Nashville get an NBA team because it is such a “thriving” city.
Nashville is “a thriving city in the United States of America… I’m certainly not advocating that Memphis loses a team…but in the same breath, you wonder about Nashville comparing that to Seattle.” – Stephen A. Smith on NBA expansion cities pic.twitter.com/To5prs64r7
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) March 16, 2026
No finesse.
No subtext.
No playing footsies.
A sharper coward would’ve named a city like Kansas City but Stephen A chose Nashville—the home of white country music, “god’s country”, where, in order to sell records, each and every music star must pledge their allegiance to Jeffrey Epstein’s emergency contact
The ESPN report doesn’t even indicate the NBA is open to other cities.
It definitively states Seattle and Las Vegas.
But Stephen A. Smith spotted an opportunity to wink at the correct people watching.
So, in hopes this lands in the hands of a MAGA billionaire ready to cut checks, here are 5 more cities I fully believe the NBA should expand too:
1. The Nebraska Redskins
2. The Idaho Blackfaces
3. The Mar-A-Lago Lolita Express
4. The Glendale Erika Kirks
5. The Wichita Whites Only
Mr. Steve Bannon, if you’re reading this, shoot me an email and I’ll send over my routing number.
If you enjoyed what you read, head over to our Substack. We’ve got more content making fun of the ridiculous world we live in, sent directly to your email inbox daily.
Follow us over on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
