If you are free of the daily news slop on your social media timelines, happy, I’m jealous.
If you’re like me, deserving class action lawsuit settlement recipients, brains permanently surrendered to Orweillian algorithms, Doomsday clock approaching midnight, anxiety-inducing scrolls, you know about Bari Weiss.
Bari Weiss is the newly hired Editor-In-Chief of CBS News, a position she earned by churning out generic, college freshman-level “journalism” in easily digestible dino nuggies to satisfy the yacht class cutting her paychecks.
Israel is good.
Trans people are bad,
McDonalds fries, big ass Pepsi.
But what if Bari Weiss, instead, long nights at hotel bars, telling a different set of billionaires, (perhaps one who plays the kazoo with his blues band at Madison Square Garden), how smart they are, given control of the NBA?
How would her NBA Christmas Day lineup look?
Boston Celtics vs. Cleveland Cavaliers
- Payton Pritchard and Sam Hauser used in all promotional footage.
- Accompanying Brad Stevens 60 Minutes special, detailing how, as a white man, he just has this special genealogy that allows him to find talent better than some other GMs.
- At halftime, an investigation into local Haitians eating cats and dogs.
Portland Trailblazers vs. Chicago Bulls
- Live feed of ICE bothering protesters dressed in inflatable Santa Claus costumes and throwing rocks at “gang members” (black people), minding their own business, hanging out with their friends, hoping they retaliate so they can discover, in real time, how little their lives are improved by the harm of those they’ve convinced themselves are less than them.
Orlando Magic vs. Miami Heat
- This game takes place at a court inside Mar-A-Lago, don’t mind the 9-year old girls in burlesque costumes, rushing onto the court to clean up sweat when the players hit the floor.
Yea, you’re right. The woman in the fuck-ass bob sitting courtside, handcuffed to the nervous little girl, does look a lot like Ghislaine Maxwell.
Utah Jazz vs. Phoenix Suns
- Live from Turning Point USA Charlie Kirk-fest, get your picture taken with a Devin Booker wax statue sitting in Kirk’s “Change My Mind” tent from Utah, bullet hole included.
- Erika Kirk joining the commentary team to sell us her Chat-GPT-finished version of her dead husband’s book of slurs or whatever.
- Erika Vance comes onto the court during all stoppages of play to a fire code violation level of pyrotechnics.
- Lauri Markannen is not allowed to sit out the game with fake tanking injuries; his face will be all over the promo ads.
Oklahoma City Thunder vs New York Knicks
I mean, that’s just good hoops. Bari Weiss is a bootlicking, brass ring-shining, social climbing Palestinian genocide denier who accidentally stumbled her way into running a major television newsroom, at like, the very end of its cultural relevance ,where she won’t even have a large enough audience to cause any real harm
, but I never said she wasn’t a ball-knower.
Knicks gotta play at the Garden on Christmas.
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