thelesterlee
I am an expert when it comes to scaring the hoes. It was my superpower for most of my life. Some people can dunk. Some people are great at math. I was born with the innate ability to scare the hoes.
And based on my years of making girls uncomfortable, I have developed a unique expertise in the field. I have created 3 golden rules to avoid scaring the hoes and prevent men from embarrassing themselves and terrorizing communities.
Indy Star reporter and newly famous creep, Gregg Doyel, will need my rules if he plans on covering women’s basketball this summer.
Reporter: 🫶
Caitlin Clark: “You like that?”
Reporter: “I like that you’re here.”
Caitlin: “Yeah, I do that at my family after every game.”
Reporter: “Start doing it to me and we’ll get along just fine.”
Caitlin: 😳
(via @IndianaFever / YT)pic.twitter.com/BBjU881K7a
— ClutchPoints (@ClutchPoints) April 17, 2024
Before asking a question no one gives a shit about, Gregg Doyel made a heart with his hands at Caitlin Clark—knowing she makes a heart with her hands on occasion.
Caitlin then explains the heart is something personal she does with her family and loved ones. Upon hearing Caitlin say it’s a gesture she uses with her family, Gregg Doyel immediately instructs Caitlin to do the heart gesture at him so the two of them can ‘get along just fine’.
Yuck.
Doyel isn’t an evil guy for whatever this is. He shouldn’t be fired or publicly executed. This is an old man’s attempt to be charming and flirty and cool to impress a girl who is about to be the most famous woman in the state.
The entire economy is about to be elevated by her mere existence. Her jersey sold out immediately. If you want to go see her play, you have to start saving money now and maybe you’ll get to see her play a preseason game in 2027.
Gregg Doyel thought it was a good idea to at best, weird out and at worst, sexually harass someone on his first time meeting her.
Unfortunately, Gregg Doyel isn’t the only person freaking out around Caitlin Clark. Everything she’s done has been put under a microscope and dissected to its bare molecules.
As long as I live, I will never forget the race war caused by LSU beating Iowa in the 2023 NCAA championship. Angel Reese pointed at her ring finger and the KKK dropped out of the sky like SHIELD agents surrounding Loki in Avengers.
Before I share the 3 golden rules to avoid scaring the hoes, we have to talk about Caitlin Clark real quick.
Why is everyone so weird about Caitlin Clark?
I want to start by being clear about one thing: most of the criticisms and noise are unimportant internet garbage.
Whether it’s Angel Reese or Dawn Staley, people who know Caitlin Clark have nothing but positives to say.
Diana Taurasi and Sue Bird shit on her a little bit in their ESPN2 broadcast but they were calling a game where Clark was beating their school, UConn.
Plus, Diana Taurasi wouldn’t be the first former athlete to hate on the new crop of players getting more attention and money than they used to. Dwight Howard was the best defender in the league for half a decade while Shaquille O’Neal went on TV diminishing Dwight’s game any chance he could get.
I’m not too worried about the thoughts of Diana fucking Taurasi.
For years, folks have joked about the WNBA playing in empty gyms. Clark showed up and Indiana Fever games are about to be sold out across the country. She is singlehandedly injecting money and excitement and buzz into the league.
Her Nike shoe deal—oh yea she has a Nike shoe deal—will put 8 figures in her bank account.
There’s a loud and understandable eye roll from those who have watched the WNBA for years before Clark arrived. The little white girl who’s played zero professional basketball minutes is taking opportunities that should have been given to women like A’Ja Wilson or Jonquel Jones or shout out my girl Tina Charles.
The biggest shoe contracts have big given to 3 women: Caitlin Clark, Sabrina Ionescu and Breanna Stewart—3 women whose kryptonite is being in the sun too long.
It feels condescending to tell black women, who have historically always been treated as afterthoughts in America, to once again swallow their medicine for the ‘greater good’ of growing the game or whatever.
Especially in a country where so many people can only consume news through the lens of the culture war these algorithms have them forever trapped in—there is a segment of America who sees black people disappointed in the fame and attention Caitlin gets compared to her brown peers and look at Clark as their literal white savior. The same way those people used to with Taylor Swift before they convinced themselves she was a CIA plant created to swing elections and vaccines and all that trash.
Caitlin Clark is a Rorschach test for how you digest media.
I’m excited to see her launch 3-pointers and cross up Kelsey Plum and Jackie Young. And I’ll wait to see if her celebrity can help get some more girls the national attention they deserve the same way Angel Reese has benefited from being in Clark’s orbit without being anywhere near as talented as Clark is.
We’ll have to see how men react to a group of popular, successful women who aren’t specifically marketed to the male gaze. So far, Gregg Doyel is the first to miserably fall off this cliff as he awkwardly attempted to create some special relationship with Caitlin Clark in a way that can only be described as scary the hoes.
If you’re reading this Gregg, I have a way to nip this in the bud.
The 3 Golden Rules to avoid scaring the hoes
1. Treat every girl like she has a boyfriend
Before you consider flirting with a girl, just pretend you know for a fact she’s in a healthy relationship and is in no way looking to hook up, specifically with you. Maybe her boyfriend. But certainly not you.
You’ll quickly realize how much pressure is off and how everyone involved is in a better mood when you act like you’re not trying to hump anyone. The vibes are heaven-sent when there isn’t a dude scaring the hoes with his terrible sexual innuendos or asking for hugs or whatever.
Assume ol girl is going home with someone better than you. Be normal.
2. You are ugly
If you can’t trick your brain into believing the girl you want to hump is in a happy relationship (or you don’t care about that), here’s an easy rule to follow: You are ugly, bro.
Let’s go ahead and remove any self-esteem you may have when interacting with a random girl. You are not wanted. Move as if you have a bag over your head (or as if you should) and you will see how girls actually behave when you aren’t terrifying them.
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2
Never stop telling yourself that every girl is in a relationship and they all think you’re ugly. I feel like there was a wave of nonsense telling guys that being put in the friend zone is the WORST thing that could ever happen to a man and I promise you, being a regular, normal guy who has female friends is astronomically better than being the creepy guy desperately trying to sex everything.
She’s wifed up and your face isn’t symmetrical. Leave her alone.
Was this Gregg Doyel Caitlin Clark thing super weird to you too? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if you think Gregg Doyel should probably be kept away from women.
