Go Home To Your Family, Adrian

The Seattle Seahawks stink this season. Pete Carroll is on the hot seat. Russell Wilson will most likely demand a trade in the offseason. And now they are signing 36-year Adrian Peterson for absolutely no reason. It’s over.

Adrian Peterson is one of the best running backs in NFL history. He was the face of the Minnesota Vikings and could have thrown his name into the ‘best player in the league’. Peterson last played a full season for the Vikings in 2015. It’s 2021. That’s a whole ass lifetime for an NFL running back.

He’s been on 5 rosters since leaving Minnesota and only hit 1,000 yards once for a 7-9 Washington Football Team that accidentally needed to run the hell out of Peterson because their starting quarterback’s leg fucking exploded in the middle of the season.

But even that year was 3 teams ago. I’m all for guys going out there and getting paid for as long as teams are willing to pay them but his signings with both the Titans and Seahawks this season started with the practice squad. My man is making practice squad minimum wage dollars just to get occasional practice snaps in the week.

At some point, you have to ask what is Adrian Peterson running from?

Here’s my guess…

In 2014, Adrian Peterson got into trouble for beating the shit out of his 4-year-old son with a belt. He landed on the Commissioner’s exempt list and missed some time because, ya know, large bodybuilder-sized men beating the life out of their young offspring is frowned upon these days.

Then 4 years later he casually said he still hits his son with a belt. Not sure why he offered that information up but it was out there.

Now, that kid is what? 11 years old? When I was 11, I was like, 4-foot-8, 80 pounds. But I imagine the son of Adrian Peterson is the size of Adrian Peterson at age 11 and has a decade-plus of physical abuse fueling him. Shit, we all read his Joker origin story on the news.

My guess is that AP won’t go home because his son has turned the tables and now Peterson is getting belted left and right. Cronus tried to eat his son but failed and now that son is beating his ass so bad that he’s willing to join a practice squad just to get away from the daily assaults.