thelesterlee
Four snaps into the 2023 NFL season, Aaron Rodgers tore his achilles. An entire offseason predicting the New York Jets Super Bowl potential with their new star QB ended before I even turned to ESPN for the Monday Night Football game.
He did throw one pass though. It was incomplete. Let’s put a pin in that. We’ll come back to this.
I know injuries aren’t supposed to be funny and blah blah but this achilles tear was different.
Aaron Rodgers has gone out of his way to establish his brand as this lonely Clint Eastwood-esque truth-teller who knows far more about modern medicine than the doctors and medical professionals who have dedicated their lives to learning about these things while Aaron Rodgers dedicated his life to throwing a ball.
So I was fascinated to see how the man who gets paid a million dollars a week to go on the Pat McAfee show and brag about how much more he knows about the human body than doctors was going to handle an injury that 1000% cannot be healed without the assistance of doctors.
Welp, here he is this week walking normally with no limp on his achilles less than 60 days after snapping that shit:
Rodgers launches deep balls and warms up every pregame as if he could easily play if he wanted. There are plenty of reports indicating Aaron Rodgers will be back before the season ends which is truly unfathomable for an NFL player let alone a 40-year-old sociopath who is afraid of physicians.
Typically, the recovery time for NFL players coming back from achilles injuries is 9-12 months. Again, it’s been less than 60 days since Rodgers’s tendon ruptured and he’s preparing to play SOON.
Conspiracy theories are beginning to form. Dan LeBatard is the first major(ish) media voice to challenge the validity of this injury and it’s time for a Deadseriousness investigation.
Did Aaron Rodgers actually tear his achilles?
So in order to look into a conspiracy, we have to look into the incentives of all parties involved.
Feels like the Aaron Rodgers side of this is clear. Rodgers wasn’t with the team for weeks and suddenly resurfaced when the Kansas City Chiefs came to town and he knew Taylor Swift would be in the building. That man saw an opportunity to absorb some attention and rushed to MetLife Stadium.
Remember when I said he threw 1 incomplete pass before his injury? If you’ve watched Rodgers play the last, maybe, 3-to-4 years, you can tell how important his completion percentage and touchdown-to-interception ratio are to him. Rodgers refuses to make any throw that he isn’t 100% confident will be a completed pass. His lack of risk-taking is even more glaring in the postseason when the Packers need him to make big throws and he won’t even consider it.
Aaron Rodgers threw one incomplete pass in his New York Jets debut and quit.
Not only is he an attention-thirsty dork but again, he is obsessed with being an anti-vax loser who bragged about taking ivermectin—a drug given to animals who have WORMS—to treat Coronavirus because he heard Joe Rogan say it on his podcast.
He also spent thousands of dollars to sit in a dark cave and take acid. Rodgers firmly believes he is superior to the ‘sheep’ who do what medical experts tell them.
It makes all the sense in the world for Rodgers to fake an achilles injury so he can come back sooner than anyone else ever had giving him the opportunity to praise himself for beating doctors.
This man truly thinks he’s John Henry building train tracks quicker than a machine except John Henry was attempting to save people’s jobs from automation while Rodgers is attempting to, uh, shut down hospitals and pharmacies(?).
But this fake achilles tear scam can’t happen alone.
The New York Jets also quietly benefit from Aaron Rodgers not playing. See, in order to acquire Rodgers, the Jets gave Green Bay a conditional 2nd round draft pick that becomes a first-round pick ONLY IF Rodgers plays 65% of the Jets snaps.
The New York Jets could be playing along with the fake achilles story so they don’t have to give the Packers a first-rounder. Nasty business happening in the tri-state area.
Who knew a guy who is so anti-pharmaceuticals would hatch this type of scheme with the owner of the Jets, Woody Johnson—the billionaire heir of the Johnson & Johnson pharmaceutical corporation? This is Hitler and Stalin clicking up at the start of WW2.
I have a different Aaron Rodgers theory though. The Jets are too incompetent to pull off a move like this.
So what’s really happening with Aaron Rodgers?
It feels obvious to me. The elderly man who self-medicates now magically healing from an achilles tear.
Guys, Aaron Rodgers is taking performance-enhancing drugs.
Barry Bonds got ‘the clear’ undetectable HGH from BALCO thanks to Victor Conte standing in his garage creating drugs from scratch like the opening of a Rick and Morty episode.
Aaron Rodgers has a concoction of random ass drugs given to him by some other anti-vax dweeb and now he’s about to return to the Jets rushing around like 2002 Michael Vick.
Rodgers is a guy who ‘does his own research’ and that Google search led him to the nastiest cocktail of steroids and illegal bullshit that’ll get him on the field sooner and also probably get him in front of Congress in some hearing when the guy who sold him these drugs gets his home raided by the FBI.
This is only the beginning of a far darker and far funnier story.
Check out the Pat McAfee show every week so Rodgers can get another million in his account to pay for his shady parking garage brown paper bags full of super soldier serum.
Is Aaron Rodgers legitimately injured? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if think Aaron Rodgers has a real achilles tear so I can sell you some snake oil.
