Apparently You Can't Be a Chess Champion AND Poop in the Hotel Bathtub

Chess is one of those games that I’ve convinced myself is only for geniuses. Like, I know the horse moves in an L-shape or whatever but as far as the actual strategy goes, shrug.gif. Chinese Chess aka Xiangqi, looks even more complicated than regular chess so round of applause to my guy Yan Chenglong for becoming the Xiangqi King last month and taking home a grand total of 100,000 yuan (which is only about $14,000 American dollars.)

Unfortunately, that championship was stripped from Yan Chenglong because he may or may not have gone out drinking with friends to celebrate his victory and ended up shitting in the hotel bathtub which, uh, you can’t do.

“Yan consumed alcohol with others in his room on the night of the 17th, and then he defecated in the bathtub of the room he was staying in on the 18th, in an act that damaged hotel property, violated public order and good morals, had a negative impact on the competition and the event of Xiangqi, and was of extremely bad character,” the association said.

You can’t drink too much, poop all over public property and remain the champion. But Yan Chenglong was already under a microscope for potentially cheating in the tournament. Now, it’s impossible to get away with wearing an earpiece or any real visible level of cheating in these types of tournaments. It’s 2024. There is no technology you can sneak into one of these competitions.

Well, except for anal beads.

The association was also forced to address rumours circulating online that Yan had cheated during the competition by using anal beads equipped with wireless transmitters to send and receive signals.

Yan allegedly clenched and unclenched rhythmically to communicate information about the chess board via code to a computer, which then sent back instructions on what moves to make in the form of vibrations, according to reports circulating on the Chinese social site Weibo.

My dude Yan was out here clinching and unclinching talking to a computer all game long. In the beginning, I said chess is a game for geniuses and you have to be a genius to figure out how to make your butthole communicate with a PC.

I have no idea how anal beads work—no kink shaming of course—but I assume after hours of having something in your butt and a few beers in your system, you have no control over your back door and you might ruin a bathtub.

This is really a lesson to all future Chinese chess players. If you’re going to sit on anal beads all day long, book your own hotel room and clean up all of your bowel movements before house cleaning comes by. You’ll get to keep your $500 or whatever.

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.