Lionel Messi Might Make Me Watch Soccer

On Friday night, Lionel Messi made his Major League Soccer debut for Inter Miami. Naturally, the greatest soccer player of all time did greatest soccer player of all time stuff.

94TH-MINUTE WINNER.

OFF A FREE KICK.

ON HIS DEBUT.

LEO MESSI 👑

(via @MLS)pic.twitter.com/zwp6gcevZI

— B/R Football (@brfootball) July 22, 2023

Game, blouses. Duh.

Friday night’s Inter Miami vs. Cruz Azul was the first match of the 2023 Leagues Cup which is a tournament consisting of MLS and LIGA MX teams competing for the title.

We’re already starting at a soccer roadblock here.

There are so many random tournaments in this sport. Is the Leagues Cup important? Should I care about this more than the MLS championship? Is the LIGA MX league on the same level as the MLS?

I recognize this information is easily attainable but it’s just an unnecessarily annoying barrier of entry to get into soccer. If you’re an NBA fan, you don’t need to also keep tabs on the Mexican or Puerto Rican leagues.

Unless you’re a DeMarcus Cousins fan in which case you LOVE Puerto Rico ball.

But let’s take Friday night for what it was and focus exclusively on the game.

Lionel Messi’s big American debut.

A star-studded event with LeBron James in attendance—a man who understands his role as the greatest basketball player ever and always fills his GOAT obligations with a smile on his face like, of course the best basketball player had to go see the best soccer player. Whether he actually wanted to be there doesn’t matter. He had to make an appearance.

There are PR and marketing agencies whose end-of-year bonuses depend on photographing these two men together.

Kim Kardashian shares that Messi gifted her son, Saint, a signed jersey after Inter Miami debut 🙌

(via @KimKardashian) pic.twitter.com/kzzR5OmSi4

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) July 22, 2023

Kim Kardashian was in Miami too so her son, Saint, could meet his idol. When I was Saint’s age my idol was his dad but I reckon his dad was significantly less pro-Hitler back then. Although, it isn’t a far step from college dropout to contrarian, Nazi loser. I should’ve seen it coming.

Oh, and here’s soccer legend, David Beckham WEEPING after Leo Messi’s big game-winning goal:

David Beckham in tears after Messi’s goal! 🥺pic.twitter.com/WMD3QHggv1

— Leo Messi 🔟 Fan Club (@WeAreMessi) July 22, 2023

Look at those tears.

Is this how people feel when they watch soccer? Am I missing out on a spiritual experience? David Beckham saw god on Friday night. Soccer is church for so many people on this planet. I recognize I’m the odd man out here.

But Lionel Messi didn’t even get into this match until the 53rd minute.

You’re really asking a lot of me to sit down and watch Robert Taylor—the guy from Finland who scored a goal for Inter Miami. I’m sure Taylor is a nice guy or whatever but I need Messi playing the entire game if I’m going to invest my time in this sport.

I know he’s almost 40 years old but we saw what he’s still capable of when he’s out there.

I imagine he’s going to get every single call so I expect there to be plentyyyy of easy penalty kick opportunities and if you’re the goalie, you have to be shaking. Your idol is standing 12 yards away from you and now suddenly, Serena Williams and LeBron James are watching your games so all of your heroes are not only watching you, but they’re hoping you fail and allow Messi to score on you. If anything, Messi should start every game.

With the way referees are going to treat him, he might score 9-10 goals off PKs in the first half and he can sit the last 45 minutes.

If Messi is still one of the best soccer players in the world competing against guys whose combined salaries don’t even touch the amount of money he makes filming one commercial then Inter Miami games might be must-see TV.

Especially if Miami games turn into massive events where the biggest stars in the world go to network and get Instagram pics off.

I love the Yankees but compared to the vibes at Inter Miami games, Yankees games feel like funerals. Scorching hot and wildly expensive funerals where everything smells like the freshest piss like, still leaving the human body freshness.

Hopefully Deadseriousness blows up soon so I can afford to first fly to Miami and then purchase good enough seats next to these stars.

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