They Broke CB Bucknor.
The new ABS challenge system—instant drama infused in the midst of an at-bat, any moment, a double tapped cap, a big dramatic reveal on the humbltron—did the ump get it right?
MLB’s thrown a spontaneous game show into each broadcast—batters soon required to shout “NO WHAMMYS” as they await the final verdict.
Week in, roaring success for everyone not named CB Buckner—the veteran official this system intends to eliminate.
Last week, 6 calls overturned in one game.
Clocked in to get pinata’ed by his new robot coworkers.
At the precipices of extinction, Buckner’s buckling—the weight of the steel hammers too heavy, coughing on the steam engine’s dust.
In the bottom of the 6th, Milwaukee Brewers game V. Tampa Bay Rays, 1B Jake Bauers reached on an infield single to second base.
When Aranda gets the ball, he taps Bauers, comfortably walking to first, Bucknor calls Bauers out.
Jake Bauers safe, nuclear program thriving, Bucknor calls him without ever seeing him touch the base.
The throw from Rays second baseman Brandon Williamson never reached first baseman Jonathan Aranda, error.
CB Bucknor strikes again, this time saying the runner did not touch first base. He very clearly did pic.twitter.com/zn6k9RtLXl
— Jomboy Media (@JomboyMedia) April 1, 2026
No-look calling a runner out, belly laughs from both dugouts, CB’s entire brain melted under the enormous pressure of his looming demise.
Buckner, representing all mankind, his final moments mocked, another industry swallowed whole by tech.
I’m down with ABS.
Make pitchers pitch in the zone.
Let’s get some hits.
Dingers.
Baseball.
Let’s go.
But I derive no pleasure in the demise of the working class.
The future belongs to nepos, money managers, freak athletes and Israeli assets.
The rest of us, logs to maintain the heated floors.
Brice Turang, the XBH Lord
Outside of CB Bucknor’s humiliation ritual, the Brewers beat the Devil Rays, 6-2, improving to 4-1, holding their lead of the NL Central.
Down 0-2 in the bottom of the 5th, bases loaded, 2 outs, 2B Brice Turang punched a single into right, all runners score (2 RBIs off his bat, 1 run in off a weird fielding error).
In his first 5 games, Turang is batting .400 with a league-leading 4 doubles with 2 stolen bags..
If the Brewers intend on surpassing the Dodgers, they’ll need their lead-off hitter to maintain his current status as the best table setter in the league.
Fuck Kyle Tucker.
None of this will matter when the mainframe dines on our skeletons.
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