NFL free agency is over. I’ve declared it so. (Also this has been sitting in my drafts for two weeks for no reason, my bad)
Only Pittsburgh waits for its QB to emerge from the rain forest, shaking off a brutal payote hangover.
Before we start looking at this month’s draft, let’s review all the signings and trades.
Who are the biggest winners and losers?
Let’s start with the weird Ravens/Maxx Crosby drama…
Loser: Maxx Crosby
Body sacrificed fighting for the worst team in the League, finally rid of the mediocrity radiating off Marc Davis’s fuckass bob.
No more coaching changes, annual QB1 tryouts—watching from the other side of the 50 while both guys throw ham sandwiches at receiver’s cleats—QBs competing to decide which one gets to lose next Sunday!
Dreams collapsed the moment he limped into the Ravens facility, smiling ear-to-ear, while Baltimore’s front office held an emergency meeting, passing around Crosby’s knee x-rays, scrambling to get Trey Hendrickson’s agent on the phone—radioing down to Jesse Minter, “uh, just keep having a catch with Maxx, buy us some time”.
The Ravens trading two first-round picks for Maxx Crosby, then rescinding the deal in order to sign Trey Hendrickson instead, only looks shady until you realize Maxx Crosby is still on the Raiders.
Right now.
If Crosby is healthy, why didn’t any other team acquire him?
Now Maxx and the Raiders must pretend like none of this ever happened.
Every strong, healthy relationship is built around contractually obligated compliance.
Winner: Fernando Mendoza
Last season, Las Vegas named former backup guard Jordan Meredith as their starting center, playing the first 11 games before suffering a season-ending ankle injury.
Meredith ranked 32nd among 40 qualifying centers.
So the Raiders made center Tyler Linderbaum the highest-paid interior lineman in NFL history, signing him to a 3-year, $81 million deal.
This is the way.
With an incoming rookie QB, Las Vegas bought a 3-time All-Pro veteran center to help navigate the neophyte through pre-snap reads.
Most importantly, Pete Carroll and his strange sons are gone, fired with cause.
The Raiders tried to microwave their 2025 season with a vet QB and a geriatric coach.
Klint Kubiak just led a Top 10 offense to the Super Bowl and he isn’t smelling toast all day.
Fernando, at least, has a chance.
Winner: Trey Hendrickson
Bengals owner Mike Brown makes his stars crawl through glass for contract extensions they deserve.
Trey Hendrickson got his four-year, $120 million deal with the Baltimore Ravens.
17.5 sacks in back-to-back seasons in 2023, 2024.
His 74.5 sacks rank third-most over the last six seasons.
And now he plays on for an organization where his contributions rushing the passer will actually lead to wins—playing alongside fellow talented defensive players instead of the scabs Mike Brown was paying with free Paycor Stadium concession food vouchers.
Loser: George Pickens
Best season of his career.
- 93 receptions
- 1,429 receiving yards
- 9 touchdowns
- no weirdo stuff on the field
Named to the first All-Pro team.
Objectively, one of the best wide receivers in the NFL.
The potential has been actualized.
And got franchise-tagged—unable to explore free agency to collect the massive, long-term bag his production earned.
I’m sure the NFLPA—run by scammers and opportunists—will help the players negotiate out the tag in future negotiations.
Just in exchange for a 30-game schedule with 1 bye week and 4 games in New Zealand.
And NFL podcasters will get pissed at Lamar Jackson for missing back-to-backs while JC Tretter buries more evidence of the owners colluding against giving stars guaranteed contracts.
This is the Golden Age for scammers.
- Read More: Kristi Noem’s Husband is a Bimbo
Winner: Geno Smith
The Raiders traded one of their worst starting quarterbacks in franchise history to the New York Jets—returning one of their worst starting quarterbacks in franchise history.
On the field, zero percent chance Geno Smith is a Top 20 QB.
The Jets are not the home for QBs with pre-existing confidence issues. It’s an organization run by a man born in a castle, a child prince who’s never needed to build anything on his own and doesn’t quite understand how.
Geno Smith most likely leads the NFL in interceptions again. Crush the over.
However, as his meaningless career wanes, perhaps a return to New York creates a pathway to a media career—as it has for many former New York athletes and coaches.
Geno Smith will be sitting next to Mike Greenberg on Get Up at least once by this time next year, if he and his agent intend to continue making millions to do the bare minimum.
Winner: Daniel Jones
Daniel Jones played 8 or 9 good games, tore his leg to pieces, and got a BAG.
They’re calling this the best Achilles tear of all time.
Jones missed all the most high-leverage games of the season.
He didn’t have to lead the team to the playoffs in a crowded AFC South with Jacksonville and Houston surging.
He didn’t have to go out there and prove he can succeed in the postseason.
Two seasons ago, Sam Darnold won 14 games for the Vikings but looked average in the playoffs, so he lost the gig.
Daniel Jones completely escaped the obvious regression and mediocrity we would’ve witnessed in the postseason—signed a 2-year, $88 million deal to return to Indianapolis without ever having to prove he can win big games, or even having to prove if he can walk on his torn Achilles again.
The guy who relies on his athleticism to get the defense off-balance may have been zapped of that athleticism, and it doesn’t matter.
$44 million in the bank this year, whether he can ball or not.
Heist completed.
Winners: The Cult of Brian Daboll
The new Tennessee Titans OC brought a few acolytes along with him.
WR Wan’Dale Robinson, TE Daniel Bellinger and CB Cordale Flott all join their former czar in Tennessee.
Interesting strategy.
Brian Daboll went 2-8 before his Week 10 firing last season.
3 wins the year before that.
You’d think if these Giants players were so talented under Daboll, they would’ve won some football games.
But that’s a Tennessee problem, not a Daboll one.
Brian’s placed himself in the perfect position to retain this “quarterback whisperer” tag he’s won despite never winning.
Cam Ward was the worst starting QB in almost all statistical categories last season.
I imagine another year selecting at the top of each round, another offseason for the young players on this roster to improve, and the god-given arm talent Cam Ward possesses ensures Ward will have a better 2026 than 2025.
And Brian Daboll gets to claim Ward’s success as his own victory.
Brian will be back to leading a new, desperate NFL team to the top of the draft sooner than later.
Winner: JJ McCarthy
The No. 10 overall pick of the 2024 draft finished dead last in the NFL in completion rate (57.6%), touchdown-to-interception ratio (11-12) and passer rating (72.6).
Who would’ve guessed the incoming QB with almost no pass attempts in college would have no idea how to read an NFL defense?
Duh.
JJ McCarthy’s career was about to end this season.
If Minnesota threw him out there Week 1, he’s benched, labeled a bust by Week 14—a future of competing with Trey Lance for 3rd string opportunities between battles against the Birmingham Stallions in the UFL each spring.
Enter Kyler Murray—a QB far more talented than Sam Darnold—surrounded by talent and coaches who will maximize his potential, leaving behind an organization willing to publicly embarrass him with Call of Duty contract clauses.
If Sam Darnold won 14 games, Kyler Murray is going 17-0.
JJ McCarthy now becomes a mystery box, a what-if, a project for another team to experiment and tinker.
His career lifespan now extended simply by holding Kyler Murray’s Gatorade on the sidelines.
Loser: Marvin Harrison Jr
Marvin Harrison and his father share a name but have many differences—including their willingness to let that chopper sing.
But their biggest difference? Marvin Harrison spent his career catching bullets from Peyton Manning (and throwing bullets after work), while Marvin Harrison Jr is about to waste another year of his NFL career playing with an array of random backups.
I understand moving on from Kyler Murray—the Cardinals put a ton of responsibilities on his shoulders as the franchise guy, Kyler shrugged that shit off—time to reset.
But replacing him with no one is such a waste of what Marvin Harrison Jr could become.
Just throwing the no. 4 pick in the 2024 draft in the trash.
America is so wasteful.
Losers: Browns and Cardinals fans
Cleveland and Arizona fans may become winners next year when they get their hands on Arch Manning on John Mateer—but, in the immediate, neither of these teams added QBs, and next month’s draft doesn’t have first-round quality QBs, looooot of backups incoming.
Cleveland and Arizona are not even pretending to be competitive for 2026.
Deshaun Watson’s bones are brittle as hell now that he’s dramatically reduced his massage treatments.
I’m not sure Shedeur Sanders could put together a dresser.
Jacoby Brissett is a cool substitute teacher you respect until your regular teacher is out on maternity leave and you quickly discover why this 40-year old man is a part-time sub instead of a full-time teacher.
Dillon Gabriel got stuck in a tree on a windy day.
It sucks these fans, who’ve already been deprived competitive football for the entire 2020’s, must now watch their teams outright forfeit a year before it even begins—while selling you on the sex pest, the nepo dork, the tiny toon, the career backup, the guy who lives in his car, or some 3rd rounder who can’t read a defense of play under center.
I hope Shedeur grew up, now takes his job seriously and transforms into an NFL starting-quality QB—or Deshaun is finally healthy, physically and mentally—or a rookie goes full Jaxson Dart/wild ferret mode, willing his team into exciting football games.
There’s too much garbage on the NFL calendar.
I’m tired of hearing complaints about the NBA’s doom following a blowout on national TV on a random tuesday when there are weeks in the NFL where the full day slate is full of backups punting back and forth to backups of backups—by 5pm praying Aaron Rodgers shows up on the correct level of mushrooms to get the Steelers through a competitve game against the Chiefs on NBC.
Hot take: more teams should be good.
Winners: Tua Tagovailoa and Michael Penix Jr
Let’s just talk about the Atlanta QB room all at once.
With Arizona deciding to treat the 2026 NFL season like a tax write-off—Atlanta was the only logical spot for Tua—considering his inability to play football in temperatures below 65 degrees.
Tua needs a sunny 90-degree day or else his passes float into the air like Piglet flying a kite.
Plus, he gets to back up Michael Penix Jr, a man who posed for this photo:
Michael Penix Jr’s legs are held together by duct tape and prayers. Tua Tagovailoa doesn’t need to win the job in camp to get a chance to play for the Falcons.
On the other side, Michael Penix Jr once again gets an easy QB competition against an injured, past-their-prime QB.
And again, even if Penix doesn’t start Week 1, Tua Tagovailoa is one tackle away from waking up in a helicopter as our social media feeds flood with clips of Tua’s lifeless body throwing up gang signs—his concussion quaking through the stadium, shaking the seats, not power lines out of the Earth.
Falcons better stock up on ibuprofen.
Loser: Malik Willis
A week after signing a 3-year, $67 million contract with the Miami Dolphins, the team traded away his best receiver to the Denver Broncos—leaving Willis with the shell of an offense around him.
After 4 years as a backup, Miami was Malik’s shot to prove he’s good enough to be a franchise QB—and as soon as he arrived, the Dolphins decided he wasn’t their franchise QB, seemingly tanking for his replacement next year.
I am shocked that the Miami Dolphins, a team Brian Flores accused of racism, does not believe in their black QB.
Winner: Malik Willis
What if Malik Willis is just so sick it doesn’t even matter who he’s throwing to?
In Green Bay, an 86.3 QBR, 9.2 yards per dropback, and a +7% completion percentage over expected.
Those stats would all rank first over the past two seasons among QBR qualifiers.
Maybe Miami cutting Tyreek Hill and trading away Jaylen Waddle isn’t a white flag but a nod to how much they trust Willis—wanting to reallocate financial resources to other positions, balancing out this roster to better compete going forward.
Hot Take: Malik Willis is about to get these bums 1,000-yard receiving seasons whether they like it or not.
Losers: Baker Mayfield and Todd Bowles
Baker Mayfield and Todd Bowles found love in a hopeless place. Both men given one last shot in Tampa to work with a recent-Super Bowl winning organization flooded with talent leftover from the Tom Brady/Bruce Arians run.
Todd Bowles hired in 2022 and Baker Mayfield acquired in 2023, a couple of playoff appearances later and it looks like their championship window no longer exists.
The greatest Buc ever, Mike Evans, now a 49er.
From my vantage point, Bowles already lost the locker room last season, his defense blowing games at the end of the season, his words tuned out by Beats headphones.
Baker Mayfield tried his best to overcome the injuries around him but now, without his most talented target and a team plane full of guys turning up their headphones when the coach speaks, we may see the demise of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Winner: Brett Favre
Aaron Rodgers is his father’s son. Most of my early NFL offseason memories are Brett Favre retirement threats, holding the Green Bay Packers hostage each spring as
The Pittsburgh Steelers let Kyler Murray go to Minnesota, lost out on giving Malik Willis a shot, all because Aaron Rodgers texted “wanna do something Week 1?” without responding to any of their follow-up texts.
Selfishly forcing an NFL organization to bend the knee to your own individual schedule.
Drug addiction.
Aaron Rodgers has yet to steal millions from a poverty-stricken state’s welfare funds but are we sure RFK Jr isn’t the president in 2028? Aaron Rodgers, future Secretary of the Department of Education, could have his paws on millions of dollars meant for school lunches.
Don’t cut all the funds yet, Linda McMahon, Aaron Rodgers is coming to skim a little off the top.
Winner: Isaiah Likely
Lamar Jackson and Mark Andrews are blood brothers, Likely the third wheel, reaching over the table to steal their fries as they make out in front of him.
Isaiah Likely’s 2025 was the worst of his career, scoring only one (1) touchdown in 14 games, with just 27 receptions for 307 yards.
Jaxson Dart plays no favorites. Doesn’t matter if your name is Malik Nabers or Lil’Jordan Humphrey, if you’re open, Dart is throwing in your direction.
Winner: David Tepper
When Tepper purchased the Carolina Panthers from the chair-sniffer, the city rejected him.
Banned from local eateries, chased with pitchforks out of the Jersey Mike’s.
He fell back into the shadows, allowing his GM, Dan Morgan, control of the personnel decisions and year-after-year, Morgan’s improved the roster around Bryce Young.
- EDGE Jaelan Phillips—4 years, $120 million
- LB Devin Lloyd—3 years, $42 million
- OT Rasheed Walker—1 year, $4 million
Derrick Brown and Jaelen Phillips on the line.
Devin Lloyd stopping the run.
Jaycee Horn as the lockdown corner.
Tepper the pariah, about to win the NFC South.
Easily.
I’ll spit at you if you tell me Tyler Shough is good.
Winner: Patrick Mahomes
Kansas City’s starting running back, Isiah Pacheco, rushed for 40 more yards than Patrick Mahomes.
Mahomes’s been limping, sassy, up and down the field for as long as I can remember.
Credit to his fearlessness—sacrificing his body to move the chains—but I reckon he’d love to be able to simply hand the ball off, allowing other players to possibly take some of the big hits killing him.
Adding the Super Bowl MVP, Kenneth Walker, as well as trading for Justin Fields and suddenly Kansas City, with the return of OC Eric Bieniemy, may have an interesting, dynamic running game outside of Patty’s frantic, panicked scrambles.
Winner: Kyle Shanahan
Brandon Aiyuk and Deebo Samuel gone.
What a run.
Mike Evans (and Christian Kirk) in.
Kyle Shanahan, the playcaller capable of making Nick Mullin look like Eli Manning on a Super Bowl run, the acquisition of Mike Evans will have Kyle Shanahan sleeping on the lab floor, up all night drawing plays for 6-time All-Star and 2-time All-Pro receiver Mike Evans.
Losers: Jacksonville Jaguars
Winners of their final 8 games, Liam Coen putting on for DUUUVAAAAALLL, Trevor Lawrence my pick for MVP last season. The Jaguars dynasty begins.
They lost their star linebacker Devin Lloyd.
Running back Travis Ettiene, responsible for at least 1,350 yards from scrimmage in three of the last four years. Gone.
Replaced with no one.
DUUUUVAAAAAALLLLLLLL (better draft their asses off)
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