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The Toronto Blue Jays own a 3-2 lead in the World Series, Los Angeles Dodgers one game away from a brutal second-place finish. Pitchers and catchers. Spring Training. 162 games. The playoffs. And it could all be over, it could all be over Friday.
Shohei Ohtani
Barry Bonds was the greatest hitter I’d ever seen.
Most of his hits landed in a pond.
Only one man can save the Dodgers…
Baseball is played on land.
One lonely night in Pittsburgh, visited by Abaddon—demon of destruction—Barry presented with an opportunity.
The two dieties shared a common goal.
Barry, with 2 MVP trophies already under his belt, wanted to add more power to his bat—wanted to destroy the stitching off baseballs.
Abaddon wanted to destroy humanity’s existence. Differing severities of destruction but a commonality nonetheless.
If you’re online too long, it’ll feel like they both got what they wanted.
Oath sworn, Barry Bonds at-bats now promised two possible outcomes: home run or walk.
You’d have to lower your television volume—sounds of baseballs screaming in agony after Bonds smashed them into billboards and adopt-a-highway signs. The nearing city of San Francisco, forced to board their windows when the Giants were in town— Barry bound to barrel a reliever’s best ball through their back screen doors.’
7 MVP trophies. 14 All-Star games. 8 Gold Gloves. 12 Silver Sluggers.
The. Most. Home. Runs. Ever.
Roger Clemens may have been the first real sicko I encountered in sports. It was like “Hey, this man seems to be trying excruciatingly hard when the games matter most. Is he supposed to be so red?”
Clemens pitched 8 scoreless innings, struck out 9 batters, in the Yankees 6-5 Game 2 win over the Mets in the 2000 Subway Series. (Throwing 8 scoreless, getting pulled and watching the Mets score 5 must’ve been hell. Jeff Nelson, you’re weird for that.)
7 Cy Young Awards. 11 All-Star games. Led all pitchers in strikeouts 7 times.
Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens were the best there were.
Shohei Ohtani is both…in one.
This man or machine or ungodly hybrid played the greatest game of baseball in the history of baseball— like, just the other day.
In Game 4 of the NLCS—Dodgers win, they advance to the World Series— Shohei Ohtani took the mound.
6 scoreless innings. 10 strikeouts. Had Milwaukee Brewers hitters in the torture chamber. Probably could’ve pitched a complete game but his manager took him out. In the innings he pitched, no one could touch him. Sicko mode.
He also hit 3 home runs.
Shohei Ohtani has the two best single-game performances in the history of baseball.
10/17/2025
3/3, 3 HR, BB
6 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 3 BB, 10 K9/19/2024
6/6, 4 R, 2 2B, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 2 SBpic.twitter.com/BhdqjUsOuC— Eric Cross (@EricCrossMLB) October 19, 2025
Right now, at this very second, Shohei Ohtani is the best pitcher and best hitter on planet Earth.
Although down 3-2 in this series, the Los Angeles Dodgers have an android resting in the Darth Vader bacta tan, charging his batteries so he’s ready to murder Blue Jays. With 3 homers and 5 RBIs already in this series, expect a couple grand slams and a perfect game shutout in Game 7.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr
Being the son of Vladimir Guerrero—9-time All-Star, 2004 AL MVP, 2018 Hall of Fame inductee, one of the most prolific hitters of his generation—Vladdy Jr could be a car salesman.
It’s not like Vlad was home most nights, helping his son perfect his swing.
He was out on the road, winning 8 Silver Slugger trophies.
Vladdy Jr, just making it to the Majors, is a success story.
Look at Gary Sheffield—the 2004 AL MVP runner-up.
His son, Gary Sheffield Jr, is a podcaster.
So.
Vladdy Jr—Atlas carrying the country of Canada on his shoulders, no shrug in sight—currently in the midst of one of the greatest playoff runs ever.
Batting .415 with 8 homers, 15 RBIs, 27 hits, 17 runs, 54 total bases—every time his cleats touch the batter’s box, a pitcher gets whiplash watching the ball ricochet off a satellite.
He’s hit home runs in back-to-back games, securing two wins for Toronto in the process.
The Blue Jays are one win away from a World Series parade.
If Vladdy wins, history will look back at this moment as a Tale Tale—John Henry defeating the steam engine—Vladimir Guerrero Jr overcoming the Shohei_Ohtani.exe AI supercomputer—created in an unsanctioned lab, beneath Mount Fuji, with one singular protocol: win.
Don Mattingly
Pardon me, I gotta make this about the Yankees real quick.
The Captain.
36 years in baseball.
14 years in pinstripes.
First World Series of his career. From the Blue Jays dugout facing the Los Angeles Dodgers.
LA anointed Mattingly manager via torch pass from his former skipper, Joe Torre.
With zero experience, navigated the 2011 Dodgers to a winning record—molding Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw—young, talented, uninspired kids—into MVP runner-up and CY Young winning sickos.
Matt Kemp kinda let the rope go on that but LA in the early 2010s was lit. I understand.
You can either spend your free time on a yacht with Rihanna or you can work on hitting oppo in the batting cages. But you absolutely cannot do both.
Mattingly and the Dodgers “mutually parted ways” following their third consecutive 90+ win season and no postseason success—losing to the New York Mets in the 2015 NLDS. Jacob deGrom, Noah Syndergaard and Matt Harvey handcuffing batters while Daniel Murphy was (gay)bashing balls all series.
10 years later, Mattingly, arguably the greatest New York Yankee to never win a World Series, shit Mattingly’s Yankees never even made the playoffs, my guy watched the 1985 playoffs on his couch next to a big ol MVP trophy, Don can check that final box of accomplishments.
Donald Trump
Donald Trump is a crybaby. Getting away with whatever he wants, surrounded by minions reading to risk the gallows pole just to be in his orbit (and to avoid applying for a real job)—yet always complaining and whining about the world not being fair to him.
In his first day as president—the second time—Trump picked a fight with Canada. Same day he floated the idea of just taking Greenland. Foreign policy mastermind.
The Toronto Blue Jays winning the World Series will activate a petty culture war.
Not immediately.
Zohran Mamdani becoming NYC mayor most likely dominates the Fox News airways for the foreseeable future—selling terrorism to fraidy-cats is an undefeated business model—but at some point, perhaps when it comes time for the champions White House visit—Donald Trump will approach a microphone, half his face melting into a puddle, gripping a stairwell with all his might—univinting the Canadian winners, including a passing joke like “I’ve never liked maple syrup”—followed by the most annoying anti-syrup campaign your weird co-worker won’t stop showing you MAGA TikToks, hardly discernible behind their broken iphone screen.
My prediction? I don’t know who will win this World Series. I just pray both teams lose.🙏🏿
Thanks for reading.
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