This is an edition of the newsletter Let’s Get This Dread, in which the columnist weighs in on hot topics in culture. Sign up here to get it in your inbox.
Next month, NYC will have a new king of rats. Who can follow in the footsteps of the great Mike Bloomberg, one of the wealthiest mayors ever—conqueror of trans fat and big gulps. The great David Dinkins—who brought the US Open to Flushing so his son could gamble on it, in-house.
Let’s break down the final 3 candidates for NYC Mayor:
Zohran Mamdani
Strengths:
- Wants to bring affordability to one of the most expensive cities in the USA.
Weaknesses:
- Will most likely, after compromise after compromise after compromise, shed all those progressive, human-first ideas, to inevitably become a guy who votes to bomb some world third country and explains the yes vote by saying something like “That bill also raised minimum wage $2 for workers, as long as they don’t go into overtime pay, oh, and they have to log into NYC.gov to sign up to enroll in the program and also the website crashes so you have to download our mobile app, not compatible to your current Apple iOS.”
Candidates so frequently run on ‘making the city safer” while accusing their opponents of being “soft on crime”. It’s like, the only pitch most of these people have.
And they don’t ever need to develop a changeup or slider. That 50mph fastball down the middle always works.
It’s cool to see Zohran focus his campaign on helping people, and not in a vague “I promise to make the City better” from a mayor who actually means “I promise to build a gaudy casino in the middle of Times Square that no one asked for except the real estate developers and their investors who paid for all my campaign commercials”.
Zohran appears to have actual plans to make NYC livable for those feeding and cleaning up after the rich.
He’ll probably end up being a milqtoast, down-the-middle, run-of-the-mill, “wait, why does he suddenly have so much money, he’s a public servant?”, ‘Mamdani’s Summer Playlist’ (sponsored by Apple Music), occasional guest on Jimmy Fallon politician…
…or maybe he won’t.
Eric Adams slipped a $5 bill in a lady reporter’s back pocket, put his index finger over his lips, winked and whispered, “Shh, don’t tell anyone about the crime, or that I had my hand in your back pocket”, then winked again.
I’m okay with Zohran just making buses free, man.
Andrew Cuomo
Strengths:
- Old people know his name.
Weaknesses:
- He killed most of those people.
Andrew Cuomo has spent this entire election cycle annoyed he even has to compete.
I am in awe of his lack of shame. Jealous even. If I trip and fall to my knees in a room full of like, 9 people, I’m never stepping foot into that building again.
Andrew Cuomo killed over 6,000 nursing home patients.
With COVID-19 patients flooding hospitals, Cuomo, our modern-day Albert E., decided to send sick people to a building inhabited by those most likely to die from exposure to their exact illness.
Then he released his own internal report, claiming he didn’t kill that many people. A congressional oversight committee went through Cuomo’s report, concluding Cuomo “low-balled nursing home fatalities and blamed nursing home staff for causing excess COVID-19 deaths.”
Oh, then he wrote a book, “American Crisis: Leadership lessons from the Covid-19 Pandemic”, attempting to cash in on the tragedy he escalated. Cuomo is still in court appealing the ethical dilemmas of using taxpayer money to write the book and using his position and power of Governor to boost sales.
And for the last time, Andrew Cuomo is not perverted, he’s just Italian.
Andrew Cuomo believes it to be his birthright to rule but he doesn’t even like the city he keeps fighting for. Always maneuvering around in the backseat of black vans, when was the last time you think Cuomo’s feet even touched the pavement? How you wear the crown, never touched the street, not a foot.
He would let King Solomon cut the city in half if it meant he got the biggest desk chair on his half.
Curtis Sliwa
Strengths:
- An amazing quote machine.
Weaknesses:
- Most of those quotes are antisemitic.
The debate saved the most burning question till the end. Moderators asked Zohran Mamdani, Andrew Cuomo and Curtis Sliwa if they’ve purchased anything in a cannabis shop, prompting some giggle-inducing answers. pic.twitter.com/AXZk8mViqJ
— New York Post (@nypost) October 17, 2025
When asked on the debate stage if he ever purchased weed, Curtis responded, “When I was shot 5 times, I have Crohn’s Disease, I did use medical marijuana.”
My guy had that response ready like he studied for the test. But instead of studying the textbook provided by the school, he studied a pamphlet handed to him by a man shouting outside Astor Place Station about the end of days.
And here’s a video of Curtis angrily complaining about Orthodox Jews running elections.
Oh, he was also a competitive eater in the ‘90s, vowing to keep the hot dog eating title in Brooklyn, away from “foreigners”.
This man loves New York, similar to the way Johny Boy and Charlie like New York in Mean Streets or the crew from Saturday Night Fever. I believe he’d throw a Molotov cocktail through a new bubble tea restaurant’s window, his defense being “Enough already, we got enough Chinese here.”
It’s any man’s race, unfortunately.
Thanks for reading.
Let me know what stories you want to write about next. Shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s yap.
Follow ya boy on social media: Facebook. Twitter. Bluesky. Instagram
