I wasn’t in a hurry to write about the Mark Sanchez stabbing. Not the funniest story in the world. Tucked it in my back pocket (a Google doc I should rename into “shit I’ll never finish”).
On Saturday, a “video”, mentioned in every report, meant the full story hadn’t been told. A young man just took his own life because a lazy cop wanted to go on his lunch break earlier.
The video has since been examined. The floor is now open to make fun of Mark Sanchez.
Let’s go through the local Indy Fox report. Mark Sanchez had an interesting night.
According to newly released court documents, Indianapolis Metropolitan Police were called to Loughmiller’s Pub and Eatery on West Washington Street around 12:35 a.m. When officers arrived, they found Sanchez suffering from several stab wounds to his upper torso.
A second man was found in a nearby alley with cuts to his face. This 69-year-old man was working between the Westin Hotel and the Indianapolis Marriott Downtown, collecting used cooking oil as part of his job.
Mark Sanchez got lit then blitzed by an elderly man.
Third shift is purgatory.
Working overnight, life happens, you experience it none. Your days spent sleeping, nights spent sleepwalking—graveyard shifts appropriately named. 69 years in the game—the oil man laboring while wild weekend warriors pound poison potions.
Then an NFL QB tried to murder him.
Investigators reviewed hotel surveillance footage, which appeared to show Sanchez jogging into the alley and approaching the man’s box truck. The two were seen talking before the interaction turned physical.
According to the probable cause affidavit, Sanchez allegedly opened the driver’s door of the truck and climbed inside despite being told to leave. The man told detectives Sanchez appeared intoxicated, smelled of alcohol and claimed to have spoken to the hotel manager, who said the truck was not supposed to be there. When the worker tried to call his supervisor, Sanchez allegedly blocked him.
Running cover for Mark briefly—America is smoking.
Regardless of your news fountain, your brain is hose-sprayed with violent threats. Either you believe gangs are ravaging cities, committing vague, amorphous “crimes”, you know, crimes, gangs do “crimes”. What crimes exactly? Do I even need to explain? They’re gangs. The word “crime” should be enough.
OR, reports of ICE agents, gathering at night, dragging man, woman and child out of their beds, hogtied, detained, harassed, assaulted, murdered; because they speak Spanish or dare to live in the same apartment complex as a family that does…
Marky off the Margy’s saw a man in an alley, a running van, got in a phone booth, transformed into Superman.
Tried to murder an old man.
Video shows the men circling the truck before a struggle broke out near a large dumpster. Detectives say Sanchez threw the victim toward the dumpster, and the two fought between the truck and the wall. The 69-year-old told police he used pepper spray to defend himself, but when Sanchez continued advancing, he thought “this guy is trying to kill me” and pulled out a knife and stabbed Sanchez several times in self-defense.
Mark Sanchez is facing battery with injury, unlawful entry of a motor vehicle and public intoxication charges because belly full of juice, courage through the roof, tried to murder an octogenarian.
We all want to feel like heroes, like we are special. Our lives have bigger callings, bigger than getting up, feeding ourselves, going to work, feeding ourselves again, sleeping.
I promise you, that hero moment will never occur, drunk as hell, outside of an Indy bar, against a near-70-year-old pensioner. That’ll get you stabbed up, waking up handcuffed to a hospital bed with a lot of questions you don’t have answers.
But we’re living in 2025. Everything sucks. I know an hour after I post this, I’ll scroll past a headline saying “Mark Sanchez assailant found with the largest child pornography library ever”
Thanks for reading.
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