Sources: The Cowboys are receiving two first-round picks and DT Kenny Clark in exchange for Micah Parsons.
— Dianna Russini (@diannarussini.bsky.social) August 28, 2025 at 5:16 PM
Dallas Cowboys get: 2 first-round picks, DT Kenny Clark
Green Bay Packers get: EDGE Micah Parsons
Micah Parsons gets: 4-year $188 million contract extension
We’ve got a blockbuster trade a week before the season and with every major event—we’ve got winners and of course—we’ve got losers.
Let’s start with the winners of the Micah Parsons Green Bay Packers trade:
1. The Jones’s bank account
This is the type of trade you make when someone asks you for a dollar—and you pull your pockets inside out—but nothing falls out.
It’s like when the Raiders couldn’t sign Khalil Mack because the team owner, Mark Davis, simply did not have the liquid capital to afford his signing bonus.
Micah Parsons was the most talented player on the Dallas Cowboys the moment Roger Goodell called his name with the 12th pick in the 2021 draft.
Parsons has played 4 career NFL seasons.
He’s made 4 all-star teams.
He’s recorded 52.5 sacks in 63 games.
He’s never recorded less than 12 sacks in a season.
At 26 years old—in his physical prime—the Dallas Cowboys traded a Top 10 NFL player for a run-stopper and basically two early 2nd round picks.
Sure, they’ll be lucky to win 5 games—but at least the Jones family doesn’t have to DoorDash on the side for extra cash.
2. Dak Prescott
Last year, right before the 2024 opening weekend—the Dallas Cowboys and QB Dak Prescott agreed to a 4-year, $240 million contract—including an $80 million bonus. Prescott became the highest-paid player in NFL history.
And now the Cowboys are broke.
Dak Prescott is Scrooge McDucking into a pool of blood diamonds every morning and Micah Parsons—an exponentially more talented ball player—now lives in Wisconsin because Dak stole all of the Jones’s money.
If Micah had been paid first—Dak would’ve had to rent a U-Haul.
The Dallas Cowboys were going to stink this season.
Regardless of whether Micah was there or not.
But now, with this Micah trade—Dak gets to continue being the king of Dallas—despite the inevitable losing season—and all the Cowboys fans will be mad at ownership instead of the expensive QB—who’s great at finishing the year with the most meaningless yards in the NFL.
In Dallas’s last playoff game, Green Bay ran them out of the gym, up 48-16 with 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter—before the Cowboys scored two meaningless touchdowns at the end when the Packers had already emotionally and mentally moved onto the NFC Championship Game.
Congrats to Dak.
3. Jaxson Dart
The New York Giants may have found their next franchise QB with rookie Jaxson Dart out of Ole Miss.
This is coming exclusively from training camp and pointless preseason footage—but as a Giants fan, it’s not hard to convince myself that anyone will be better than whatever the fuck Daniel Jones was trying to do the last 6 years.
And with Micah Parsons leaving the NFC East—Jaxson Dart’s job just got a hell of a lot easier.
Even if Russell Wilson starts all 17 games this season. Jaxson Dart is the Giants quarterback of the future and thanks to the Jones family, Dart will get to moonwalk on the Cowboys twice a year for the rest of his career.
4. Rashan Gary
27-year-old Packers defensive end, Rashan Gary, made the All-Star team last season.
He’s fine.
He had 7.5 sacks last year and 15 QB hits.
He’s an above-average pass rusher—but Green Bay’s overall pass defense was mediocre—and Rashan Gary is not a mutant capable of singlehandedly dictating what happens on 3rd down, ya know, like Micah Parsons can.
Well, Rashan’s new coworker is about to do all the heavy lifting for him. I can see Gary stealing some extra sacks off the leftovers from the chaos and panic Micah generates for opposing offensive lines.
Something, something, tide lifting boats or whatever.
5. Kenny Clark
Kenny Clark is the 29-year-old run-stuffing DT Green Bay sent to Dallas for Micah.
It’s easy to say he’s a loser in this trade.
He went from a Super Bowl-contending team to a squad of injury-prone underachieving action figures for a sundowning oil huckster to smash together in his retirement home—but Clark, the 3-time All-Star, got his contract already.
And most importantly—he grew up in sunny CA and played his college ball at UCLA.
I think Kenny Clark is going to enjoy being a rich Dallas Cowboy in sunny Texas—more than freezing his ass off in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Snow sucks.
Plus, Cowboys fans are weirdos.
They will convince themselves—and then somehow the national media—that Kenny Clark is the best run-stopping D-Lineman in the NFL—and if anything—the hype will just net Kenny and even bigger contract later.
Everything’s coming up, Kenny.
It’s the winter of Kenny Clark.
6. Netflix
On August 19th, Netflix released an 8-PART documentary chronicling Jerry Jones’s 1989 purchase of the Dallas Cowboys—and their 90s dynasty.
It’s like the Chicago Bulls Last Dance documentary—but instead of Michael Jordan being the star—it’s a geriatric egomaniac bragging about how great he is for 8 hours.
Actually, I reckon you could describe that Bulls documentary the same way.
Joe Biden was universally declared too old to be president of the United States.
His brain was firing on no cylinders.
His own party had to hide him for 4 years.
We had a president who was so old he could not be seen in public—or else people would be like “wow, he sure loves drooling on himself”.
Jerry Jones is older than Joe Biden.
This Micah Parsons trade instantly drags the Dallas Cowboys to the bottom of the NFL standings.
HOWEVER, it puts Jerry Jones—and his awful decision-making—front and center.
No doubt in my mind Netflix saw a surge in viewership for that boring ass Cowboys doc after Dallas traded away their best player.
Any press is good press, says the sociopaths.
and now, onto the Losers…
1. Jordan Love
Going into last season, I was told it was Jordan Love’s world and we were all lucky enough to live in it.
He injured himself in the first game of the season against the Eagles in Brazil—on a field that appeared to be made of papier-mache—and never hit that level of superstardom placed on his shoulders.
Well, now with the addition of Micah Parsons—the Packers, on paper—should be fighting with the Eagles to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.
Lottttt of pressure to put on Jordan Love’s shoulders.
Perhaps this will be like when the Chiefs acquired Chris Jones and he made superstar defensive plays to help the Chiefs sneak into the Super Bowl every year.
Or perhaps this will be like the Dallas Cowboys the last 4 seasons—where they have a legendary pass rusher doing all the work—while their quarterback leads the league in yards—and jogs off the field for the punt team on 4th down—after throwing an easy first down at his receiver’s cleats.
Jordan Love is dangerously close to becoming the next Dak Prescott.
All he needs is a Blue Lives Matter sticker on the back of his truck and an unprovable he-said/she-said assault case against a mystery woman we all pretend never happened.
2. Jared Goff
Jared Goff is a quarterback—who if everything around him is running on 100%—is capable of sensational throws.
He is the king of throwing a football through a tire.
Truly one of the most accurate passers I’ve ever watched.
But the Detroit Lions lost their offensive and defensive coordinators.
They lost their starting center and one of their starting guards.
Detroit’s playcalling will be different.
Their protection will be different.
The Lions are entering the 2025 NFL season with uncertainty surrounding a quarterback—who does not do well in uncertainty.
Oh, and Week 1, they play the Green Bay Packers—who just acquired an absolute game-wrecker.
A guy who creates even more uncertainty.
#PrayForJaredGoff
3. Matt Eberflus
Hey, Matt. Get ready to rebuild a random college on the East Coast that doesn’t even have a functional practice facility, brother.
Your NFL career just ended.
From 2022-2024, Matt Eberflus was the head coach of the Chicago Bears.
The team went 14-32.
The Bears would’ve had a better chance just sitting at home all week—and showing up to the games on Sunday without practicing—than having to listen to whatever Eberflus was telling them.
But Matt landed on his feet with a pretty sweet gig as the Defensive Coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys.
Sick.
You get to coach the best defender in the NFL and use his talents to perhaps position yourself into a better coaching job later.
This was the reset Eberflus needed to maintain his NFL career.
And now Micah Parsons and all of Matt Eberflus’s plans are on fire.
Either Matt Eberflus creates a once-in-a-lifetime defensive scheme around Kenny fucking Clark—or—he and the Drexel Dragons have a lot of work to do.
4. Lukas Van Ness
Third-year defensive end, Lukas Van Ness—was finally about to start his first football game since high school—and now Micah Parsons just shows up a week before the season to take his playing time away.
The 24-year old out of Iowa NEEDED this year.
He makes $1 million.
2025 could’ve been his chance to put pressure on Green Bay to write him up a way bigger deal next offseason.
Lukas went from potentially having the best season of his football-playing career—to holding Micah Parsons’s Gatorade and praying he doesn’t have to play for the Birmingham Stallions.
Do not be shocked when Lukas Van Ness starts posting some interesting takes on DEI.
5. Dallas Mavericks fans
I don’t enjoy making fun of fans.
It’s not like they’re in the front office meetings making personnel decisions—or in the timeouts, helping call the plays and motivate the players.
It’s low-hanging fruit for podcasters who need to fill an hour.
But, objectively, it’s tough to deny that Dallas sports fans are in hell this year. They lost Luka Doncic and Micah Parsons for Anthony Davis and Kenny Clark. That’s disgusting to re-read.
At least Dallas still has hope…
Thanks for reading.
Let me know who you think won and lost this Micah Parsons Green Bay Packers trade. Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
