I. Am. For. Sale.
Toooo many folks crashing out and cashing out around me—while I write my cute little jokes—for free.
Every week, I see someone like Robert Griffin III, sitting next to his wife—who looks like his little brother, using a fake Sega Genesis controller, so she feels like they’re working together—giving his annoying take—on whatever annoying story—your most annoying mutuals are “debating”.
Their house looks big. I want his sponsors.
Once I saw my girl Riley Gaines offering up Ivermectin discounts, I knew it was time to sell my ass for coins.
But before I praise Riley for her super genuine-looking ad for “Back To School” Ivermection, I have to give flowers to one of the GOATs in the game.
Laura Loomer Eats Dog Food
Laura Loomer: A woman who has made her local Lowe’s franchisee a millionaire—with how frequently she comes in asking to make a copy of her house key—after a long night of spilling wine on herself and ranting about “The Jews” getting her banned from GrubHub—screaming this at the homeless woman napping on the park bench outside of her apartment—moments before Laura Live Streams her desire to nuke Disney Land because “we can’t let woke win”.
Last year, Laura Loomer casually posted an ad for “Pawsitive” dog food.
In the 5-minute clip, she decides to whip out a bag of dog food—from the little snack tray under her desk—and start chewing like Tony Gwynn chomping on a baseball-sized wad of tobacci—as he steps up to the plate for his 5th hit of the night.
I just ate dog food.
It’s human grade. Which means you and your dog can share a tasty, nutrient dense treat together.
Order yours today: https://t.co/0m4u4NZzX3
— Laura Loomer (@LauraLoomer) September 7, 2024
She awkwardly rambles about “horror stories” of our dogs getting into our hidden chocolate stash—and, like we’ve all seen—dogs licking exotic venomous frogs—or dogs getting sick after eating our “toiletries”.
My dog doesn’t eat toothpaste but I think Laura and I have different ideas of toileties.
To Laura—a woman who absolutely travels with anxiety medication the FDA would legally and morally be forced to incinerate—toilitries are any items you can only purchase from the Armenian Uber driver you invited inside—after a long night of ruining everyone else’s night.
Those are the types of checks I need.
Enough to make me eat dog food while I bark and pin the proof to my profile for all to see. Displaying my kibbles and bits for the world.
I need sketchy MAGA companies with questionable reputations and a ton of money to drop. that. bag. on ya boy.
Like Coulson Capital—run by weirdo Foster Coulson—that, according to their website, owns several fake-sounding “wellness” companies—all of which seem exclusively interested in selling Ivermectin pills to gullible people with disposable income.
Oh, and RiftTV, a young, hip, Breitbart News for the youth—run by all of the white supremacists from those viral Jubilee “debate” clips.
@Folster Colston: I am requesting the Laura Loomer direct deposit.
I will eat dog food and go viral, saying “well, actually” in a debate with a historian who says “slavery was bad”.
But we have to get to my dude Riley Gaines—who put this battery in my back.
It’s time to go back to school shopping.
Riley Gaines Sells Horse Medicine
Riley Gaines: A woman who peaked when she was 20—and has been slowly parachuting back down to reality—thanks to Fox News exploiting her to feed their audience more bread and circuses and trans hate—is now slinging Ivermectin out of her Jeep.
School is starting, fall is coming. Stay ahead of sickness and keep your immune toolbox stocked with @AllFamilyPharma
Get your Ivermectin here: https://t.co/VSo8Giu8vi pic.twitter.com/XWuJWVT0v7
— Riley Gaines (@Riley_Gaines_) August 15, 2025
During the pandemic, for a special, select few, Ivermectin became a miracle drug—to not only prevent Covid-19, but seemingly any ailments you have.
This snake oil was different.
But I feel like I’ve never actually looked up what Ivermectin actually is or what it does.
Walk with me…
This is from the Idaho Health Alert Network:
- Ivermectin is not authorized or approved by Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for prevention or treatment of COVID-19. FDA has cautioned about the potential risks of use for prevention or treatment of COVID-19. Ivermectin-related calls to poison control centers across the U.S. have increased five-fold from pre-pandemic baseline. Our regional poison center is experiencing a small but increasing trend of ivermectin-related calls from Idaho.
- Ivermectin is approved by FDA in oral formulations to treat onchocerciasis (river blindness) and intestinal strongyloidiasis. Topical formulations are used to treat head lice and rosacea. Ivermectin is also used in veterinary applications to prevent or treat internal and external parasitic infections in animals. When used in appropriate doses for approved indications, ivermectin is generally well tolerated.
- The National Institutes of Health’s (NIH) COVID-19 Treatment Guidelines Panel has determined that there are currently insufficient data to recommend ivermectin for treatment of COVID-19.
Ivermectin has nooooooothing to do with Covid-19. It’s like smearing Smucker’s jelly over a bullet wound.
According to the FDA, Ivermectin treats river blindness. Riley Gaines wants you to give your children medicine that Doctors Without Borders administers to African tribes.
In 2016, Riley Gaines finished 85th in her Olympic swim trials.
Almost a decade later, she has 0 Olympic appearances—and a fat check from a company that sells Botox injections to people who claim a fear of needles.
Thanks to Riley Gaines, some kids—whose parents need a visit from CPS—will show up to the first day of school with a pocket full of pills that’ll give them painful stomach aches.
I can manipulate people, too.
Hit. Me. Up.
Big Pharma…Good?
Did you also notice Laura’s dog food ad read and Riley Gaines back-to-school horse dewormer ad—both started with warnings to their listeners about needing these “emergency kits”?
If you go to the All Family Pharmacy site right now, their homepage is dominated by an ad for their emergency kits.
The only things in there are Ibuprofen, antibiotics, and Ivermectin.
I thought we were supposed to fear Big Pharma.
I thought we were fighting against the pharmaceutical industry’s influence over our society.
From flooding the streets with opioids to charging the price of a down payment on a house for life-saving medicine—I could’ve sworn we were skeptical of Big Pharma.
It’s so strange how all of these new scum lords—like Foster Coulson or All Family Pharmacy—are building exhborbitant wealth by dealing cheap veterinary pills—under claims they heal in ways the FDA have declared they do not—at the same time the Trump Adminstration—the same adminstration that has “OPEN FOR ALL BRIBES” taped to their front door—wants to dismantle the FDA.
Nah, you’re right.
I’m tripping.
This is just a coincidence.
The FDA is in the Deep State©️ with Big Pharma.
I definitely trust the balloon-shaped woman eating dog food—and the sore loser who always looks like there’s someone behind the camera pointing a gun at her mother’s head.
These two are the real experts.
Laura Loomer needs her internet access revoked and a disability check in the mail every month—only attainable if she speaks to a mental health specialist 4 times a week.
Riley Gaines needs to take the police test or apply for a CDL.
So that I can take their place and help give some people stomach aches and visits to the hospital from all the Ivermectin and dog food in their systems.
I’m ready.
I’m not kidding, hit me up.
Thanks for reading.
Let me know if you, too, want in on the dog food scam with me and my girl Laura. Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
