Last week, Micah Parsons announced he’s done playing around with the Dallas Cowboys.
Thank you Dallas 🦁👑 🙏🏾! I pic.twitter.com/EUnEj9uRUt
— Micah Parsons (@MicahhParsons11) August 1, 2025
Micah Parsons wants his money and Jerry Jones is playing in his face, attention-hoarding as he runs from the grim reaper in his dreams every night. Last season, Jerry waited until the last possible moment to pay Dak Prescott, so the NFL week 1 coverage was centered around the Cowboys.
But Dak Prescott is a people-pleasing middle manager who knows his role and thrives in it, standing on his tiptoes, right on that line, hand pressed firmly against his chest for the National Anthem.
Micah Parsons is not that.
Parsons has made 3 All-Pro teams in his 4 NFL seasons.
He’s objectively one of the best pass rushers in the world.
Pay your best players.
I’m sure Micah and the Cowboys will come to an agreement at some point but for the sake of content, let’s pretend they don’t.
Let’s send Micah’s ass elsewhere.
Also for the sake of content, I’m not writing these trade ideas based on, like, salary caps and which teams would actually be able to acquire him.
This is exclusively just which 5 teams I think would be more fun to watch if Micah Parsons were wearing their jerseys.
Okay, so let’s get into it.
Here are my 5 Micah Parsons trade ideas:
1. Cincinnati Bengals
I recognize I’m sending Micah Parsons to the only team cheaper than the Cowboys—especially as 2024 Defensive Player of the Year runner-up. Trey Hendrickson begs for a new contract, while Bengals owner Mike Brown continues to terrorize the residents of Halloween Town.
And as much as I love Bengals games ending in 45-42 shoot outs, I think I’m ready to see Joe Burrow back in the playoffs going head-to-head against Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson and Patrick Mahomes again instead of going into the final week of the season needing 5 other outcomes out of their control to happen just so they sneak into the final Wildcard berth.
Trey Hendrickson and Micah Parsons are a more dangerous duo than JaMarr Chase and Tee Higgins. The Bengals would have both.
It’s a shame Mike Brown also happens to misplace his wallet right when the waiter brings the bill to the table.
2. Tennessee Titans
The Titans suck, yo. They may be truly unwatchable this season. Last year, at least you received some dopamine hits when Will Levis dropped back to give the ball to the other team in new, original, hilarious ways.
WILL LEVIS INTERCEPTION GIVE THE BEARS THE LEAD! pic.twitter.com/G6BA836ruS
— IG: NFLPreme (@premefootball) September 8, 2024
But now Cam Ward is the QB1 and although I don’t believe he’s the next Patrick Mahomes, I don’t think he’ll be closing his eyes and underhanding the spud directly into the chest of an opposing linebacker.
NFL RedZone will not be cutting to Titans games much this season.
HOWEVER, if you drop Micah Parsons into the spine of this defense, you give this team some juice. A reason to actually care about these scrubs.
Plus, I think the best way to prepare your rookie QB for the speed and intensity of NFL defenses is to make him practice against one of the best pass rushers in the game all week.
3. Arizona Cardinals
Last season, the Cardinals finished 15th in scoring defense. Riiiight in the middle. 🗣️AVERAAAAAAAGE.
But they made some interesting moves in the offseason. Future Hall of Famer, Calais Cambell is back.
Super Bowl champion, Josh Sweat, is bringing his 8 sacks to this Cardinals pass rush. They drafted Walter Nolen in the first round and cornerback Will Johnson fell to them in the 2nd round.
The Arizona Cardinals are looking at a potential Top 10 defense next season. Micah Parsons would secure them the AFC West.
Plus, I want to see Kyler Murray play meaningful football games.
Murray is entering his 7th career NFL season and he’s only been in one playoff game. He lost to the Rams in 2022. Threw 2 picks. Kinda sucked.
BUT, with an All-Star defense, Murray could just do what Jalen Hurts does in Philadelphia, and probably do it better.
4. Los Angeles Chargers
Hey man, I love Khalil Mack.
One of my favorite football players ever.
Just a grizzly bear in shoulder pads and a helmet.
2 seasons ago, he recorded the quietest 17 sacks in NFL history.
Last season, he made the Pro Bowl, but only had 39 tackles and 6 sacks.
The decline is here.
At 34 years old, I’m not sure he can singlehandedly affect the field like he used to.
You know what might help?
Micah Parsons gets his first sack of the season!
Very poor attempt at pass blocking by the Giants right there, not good…
pic.twitter.com/coFb8W6OaB— JPA Football (@jasrifootball) September 11, 2023
This maniac playing on the other side of him.
I don’t know if Justin Herbert will ever look comfortable in a playoff environment.
It’s crazy.
He throws the ball far better than Philip Rivers used to.
Rivers threw the ball like he had oven mitts on, taking the asparagus out of the oven but the results are exactly the same.
They have huge regular season stats and then hand opposing teams easy playoff wins with gross ass turnovers and a genuine fear in their eyes.
Micah Parsons, could at the very least, help the Chargers win one round.
5. New York Giants
Of course my Giants are on this list.
Can you imagine if Brian Burns, Dexter Lawrence, Kayvon Thibodeaux and Abdul Carter joined forces with Micah Parsons??
Opposing offensive linemen would use up all their PTO whenever the Giants come up on the schedule.
Last season, the Giants led the NFL in sacks (before Dexter Lawrence got injured and the team pretty much stopped trying) but now they’ve added Abdul Carter with the no. 3 pick in the draft.
Every Abdul Carter sack from 2024 pic.twitter.com/OIjn85YM3P
— Talkin’ Giants (@TalkinGiants) April 25, 2025
Obviously, the Dallas Cowboys wouldn’t send Micah Parsons to a team within the same division but I also don’t think he’s being traded at all. This whole article is fantasy. Who cares?
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Thanks for reading.
Let me know your Micah Parsons trade ideas, leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
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