I’ve been waiting to hand out awards until I realized I was waiting to see what happens with Al Horford and Josh Giddey. Never delay anything in your life in anticipation of Al fucking Horford news.
Anyway, with the NFL season starting soon and baseball coming down to the homestretch, this is the perfect time to drop an article about the 2025 NBA Offseason. This is why no one reads my shit, man.
Here are your 2025 NBA Offseason Awards:
Disaster Class Award: Michael Porter Jr
The Nets traded for NBA Champion, Michael Porter Jr.
Safe to say, the team’s offense will be built around him as he’s surrounded by 5 rookies who all seem like they’re still learning how to play basketball.
Not sure what the Nets plans are but to call them “long term” would imply a finish line at some point.
The Nets are a development program, seemingly, to grow Israel’s basketball presence.
Anyway, here’s what Brooklyn’s new vet and leader is up to this offseason
Michael Porter Jr. been WILDING since he left Denver 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/R119CXiyDt
— Hater Report (@HaterReport_) August 18, 2025
Asian ladyboys and the Nelk Boys. He is living your weirdest coworkers’ search history.
Nets might go 0-82.
The “Gap Year” Award: Jaylen Brown
With Jayson Tatum spending the 2025-26 NBA season limping to Mecca to be showered by the rays of the Black Mamba, let’s take a quick peek at the Boston Celtics potential opening night starting 5:
PG Anfernee Simons
SG Derrick White
SF Jaylen Brown
PF Luka Garza
C Chris Boucher
Two seasons ago, the Celtics won the championship.
Now it looks like Jaylen Brown and 4 dudes who would have a tough time getting into the Washington Wizards rotation.
And I know Derrick White is “good” or whatever but even White is punting on this season:
Derrick White has officially launched his own podcast called “White Noise”pic.twitter.com/XzCjJwDzTr
— jb (@lockedupjb) July 28, 2025
This podcast should have a warning at the top to not listen while driving or else you will fall asleep behind the wheel and wake up in the ER.
Jaylen Brown is the lone all-star playing for a team that doesn’t seem to give a shit about winning without Tatum.
Jaylen Brown is about to use allllll of his sick days.
The “Blink Twice If You Need To Be Rescued” Award: Giannis Antetokounmpo
I’m starting to feel like Giannis Antetokounmpo is in an abusive relationship with the Milwaukee Bucks and he’s afraid to leave an organization dedicated to making his life hell.
From the hiring of Doc Rivers—a head coach who specializes in miraculous playoff collapses—to the acquisitions of Kyle Kuzma and Myles Turner—two more 7-footers to get in the way of their superstar.
The Bucks don’t even have a point guard on the roster.
They lost Khris Middleton and Damian Lillard and replaced them with no one. The Bucks are the DOGE of the NBA.
Everyone keep an eye out for Giannis.
Watching Milwaukee play this season will be like going out to dinner with a couple that gets one sip of alcohol in their system and starts making sly little comments at each other like “you were so much prettier when we met” or one of them tries to order something off the menu they like and their partner jumps in and says “no, you don’t want that” and you just look at your date like “do we have to call the police tonight?”
The “Wile E. Coyote – Super Genius” Award: Nico Harrison
Trade one of the best basketball players in the world for an aging, injury-prone big man who can’t create his own offense: ✅
Put all the offensive pressure on Kyrie Irving until his knee explodes, so you get into the lottery: ✅
Draft one of the most respected prospects with the no. 1 overall pick: ✅
*temple tap* chess, not checkers.
The “Barack and Michelle Trial Separation” Award: LeBron and the Lakers
All year, I’ve seen vague allusions to a potential split between Barack and Michelle Obama.
I reckon once all that late 2000s “Black Excellence” bulshit ended, the veil was removed. The biggest black couple might be having some marital problems.
LeBron and the Los Angeles Lakers made so much sense for each other.
He won a championship for the city. But after being forced to draft his weirdo son and then trading for Luka Doncic, it feels like both LeBron and the Lakers are circling an awkward, messy divorce.
Jeannie Buss just sold the team to an ownership group with no relationship with LeBron.
The team has Luka, a new face of the franchise for the next decade plus. It’s not like having LeBron on your team is an automatic Finals bid anymore.
Get ready for passive-aggressive nonsense and a very loud trade deadline. This is about to be one of the most annoying seasons of LeBron’s career.
Just retire, my guy. You’re allowed to stop playing basketball.
The “Please Take Me Back” Award: Damian Lillard
All Dame Lillard wanted to do was leave his family and hit the Miami clubs with Jimmy Butler and Glorilla until the Milwaukee Bucks snuck into his house, put a bag over his head and trafficked him to Wisconsin in the middle of the night.
Now, after a couple seasons in a city that closes down at 10pm, Damian Lillard is ready to return to Portland and see his wife and children again.
I think anyone suffering a midlife crisis and questioning their marriage should be legally forced to live in Wisconsin for a little bit and see if they reconsider their decisions.
Damian Lillard accidentally invented a new type of couples therapy.
The “You Finally Get To Sit Down” Award: Mikal Bridges
Mikal Bridges flashed moments of Mozart/Michaelangelo-level artistic brilliance in his first season with the Knicks.
When in flow state, he could singlehandedly change a quarter with those automatic fadeaway midrange jumpers that kissed the bottom of the net like a mother tucking her children in at night.
But man, all he wanted was a little Gatorade break from time to time and head coach, Tom Thibodeau kept him out on the fields in the blazing sun all day long.
Two season ago, only 3 players on Mike Brown’s Sacramento Kings played more than 30 minutes a game. Last season, the entire Knicks starting five all played over 35 minutes a night.
New Knicks head coach, Mike Brown, will let the starting five get their mandatory 10-minute cigarette breaks.
Mikal Bridges will finally get to watch his friends play for once.
The “Atlanta Is About To Be The Home of a New STI” Award: Kristaps Porzingis
I don’t know what mystery illness kept Kristaps Porzingis from playing last season but from everything I’ve seen from Porzingis, my boy is OUTSIDE.
And he be humping.
He left New York with a strange rape allegation we all pretend never happened.
Kristaps is a little freaky frog who can’t play more than 19 minutes of basketball because his clamydia hurts.
And now he’s going to Atlanta.
His blood needs to be studied.
After a season in Atlanta, Kristaps’s medical chart might be the only thing that convinces RFK Jr we need vaccines.
The “Loyalty Over Money (But Also Give Me All The Money)” Award: Devin Booker
Devin Booker signed a 2-year, $145 million extension.
The Phoenix Suns won 36 games.
They missed the playoffs.
Kevin Durant, Devin Booker and Bradley Beal had the 23rd-ranked net rating together.
They went to the NBA Finals in 2021.
4 years later, Devin Booker is the 7th-highest-paid player in the NBA right now after trading Kevin Durant for Jalen Green and Dillon Brooks.
Whenever players talk about staying “loyal” to one organization, it’s 1000% because they want to earn the maximum possible salaries.
If Devin Booker wanted to be like Kobe Bryant, he’d have been in the fucking playoffs last year.
Realistically, Devin Booker should’ve been the one traded. Not Kevin Durant.
Phoenix could’ve gotten far more assets back than Dillon fucking Brooks if Booker wasn’t trying to add an elevator in his mansion. The Suns waived Bradley Beal. That means Beal’s $20 million salary will be anchoring down the Suns salary cap for the next two seasons. Phoenix can’t even really improve with that sitting on the books.
Devin Booker doesn’t care.
He’s so loyal.
The “Hide The Money, Y’all, There’s Broke People Around” Award: Malik Beasley
Malik Beasley was sitting on a 4-year $60 million contract offer from the Detroit Pistons after having one of the best shooting seasons in NBA history. He was crucial in leading the Detroit Pistons back to the postseason a year after they had the longest losing streak in Association history.
And now he’ll probably never play in the NBA again after being at the center of a federal gambling probe following some strange activity on his rebounding over/under in a random game in the 2023-24 season when he played for Milwaukee.
Since then, Malik Beasley has been evicted from his home—reports of him owing his barber and dentist thousands of dollars.
Malik Beasley is broke as hell and looking at a lifetime ban from the NBA like Michael Porter Jr.’s slow-witted brother.
My guy is homeless, dodging debt collectors with the Feds watching his every move.
I know Beasley feels like Katniss trying to survive the Hunger Games out here.
I can’t not picture him with mud rubbed under his eyes like an NFL linebacker, while he nervously drives—leaning over the dash to check if a helicopter is following him like Henry Hill.
Malik Beasley has 5 stars on GTA right now just trying to avoid sharing a cell with Diddy and the kid who killed the United HeathCare CEO.
The “You Have No Idea How Many People You Are About To Disappoint” Award: Kevin Durant
The Houston Rockets have slowly built a young team that lost their first playoff series under Ime Udoka but there was hope going into this offseason.
They needed Jalen Green or Alperen Sengun to bust their asses this offseason to improve their offensive games.
OR, they needed to trade one of them for a superstar to carry them in the 4th quarters when the games slow down to a clock’s pendulum pace.
The Rockets chose the latter.
They traded Jalen Green—their 23-year-old leading scorer—and Dillon Brooks—the spine of their defense—for a 37-year-old Kevin Durant—who was just the best player on a Phoenix Suns team that watched the Rockets in the playoffs from the comfort of their own homes.
Kevin Durant is an old man who plays from free throw line to free throw line—never getting into the paint and never stopping anyone he’s defending from just waltzing him past him to the basket.
The optimistic comparison would be Kawhi Leonard joining the Toronto Raptors and leading them to the 2019 NBA Championship. But *whispers* Kevin Durant has never been as good as Kawhi was that season and he’s not even fucking close as he approaches AARP status.
From fans to NBA analysts, a lot of folks are about to be disappointed by these Kevin Durant Rockets.
Biggest Winner: Mike Dunleavy Jr
The Golden State Warriors are the same exact team minus Gary Payton II. I know Jonathan Kuminga doesn’t want to return to the Bay but he will.
He has no choice.
Because Mike Dunleavy Jr is the biggest winner of the summer.
While 29 other NBA GMs were working, Mike Dunleavy didn’t even have his phone on.
All summer, the Warriors have been linked to Al Horford. It’s August. Al Horford isn’t on the Warriors.
Mike Dunleavy is still on holiday.
As someone who hasn’t written an article in a week and feels like the biggest asshole in the world, I respect Mike Dunleavy’s ability to do nothing, proudly.
Biggest Loser: Steph Curry
At least 40-year-old LeBron James has Luka Doncic. Kevin Durant is joining a Houston team full of quick, athletic wings.
Steph Curry plays with this fucker:
PODZ AIRBALL FROM THE RESTRICTED AREA 😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/puGIVvgOCs
— BricksCenter (@BricksCenter) December 26, 2024
#PrayForStephCurry
Thanks for reading.
Let me know your thoughts on the 2025 NBA offseason, leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
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