Sophie Cunningham is the loudest 5 points a game player in the history of history.
I cannot open my phone without a new headline or video clip about the 2022 Most Improved Player 2nd runner-up—the closest she’s ever come to any real on-court achievement in her 7 years of irreleveant professional basketball—only coveted by never not logged in gooners who sexualize any woman, even Sophie— who looks like every Applebee’s hostess across the country.
This week, the WNBA announced expansion teams to Detroit and Cleveland—huge news for a league that was routinely mocked by guys who thought “that’s what she said” was the peak of comedy.
Naturally, Sophie—who is shooting a disgusting, career-low 34% from the field, not from the 3-point line but just overall 34%—had something negative to say about the potential of living in those two cities:
Fever star Sophie Cunningham on the WNBA expanding to multiple new cities over the next few years:
“I don’t know how excited people are to be going to Detroit or [Cleveland]” pic.twitter.com/pncwYpMar3
— Yahoo Sports (@YahooSports) July 1, 2025
In 50 seconds, Cunningham says the league should think about where players want to play, like in Kansas City or Nashville—two cities with different demographics than Cleveland and Detroit. It’s not lost on me that one of the palest ladies in the W would rather play in Nashville than Cleveland.
But she also mentions that she doesn’t want the WNBA to expand too fast.
Sophie Cunningham is playing for the Indiana Fever alongside Caitlin Clark—your most annoying coworker’s new favorite basketball player.
Caitlin Clark is 2nd in the WNBA in assists.
Sophie Cunningham—playing with one of the best passers in the sport—is averaging 5 points a game on 34% shooting.
Without WNBA expansion—allowing more women opportunities to become professional basketball players—Sophie Cunningham might night even be in the fucking league.
Homegirl sucks at basketball.
And she’s making demands about which cities she’d prefer to play for like she’s fucking LeBron James when in reality, she’s Bronny James—barely holding onto a roster spot and kind of only in the league because Caitlin Clark likes white girls her.
Later in the week, Cunningham clarified her earlier comments.
Here’s the dumb shit she said in defense of the dumb shit she said:
“First of all, I know the history of the WNBA. I know that both of those cities have had teams before and got us where we’re at, so I’m thankful for that. All I was really getting at was Broadway, the off-court lifestyle,” Cunningham said. “I think that is really intriguing. I think Miami’s intriguing. That’s all I was getting at. I’m thankful for all they’ve done for our history of the sport.”
She defended the history of the league—a league that formerly had a team in Detroit before moving to Dallas and becoming the Wings—but doubled down on the idea that no one wants to play in Detroit.
And I want to be clear, I totally understand a WNBA player preferring to live in Miami over Detroit.
Shit, I understand a fucking mailman wanting to live in Miami over Detroit.
Duh.
We get it.
But every time Caitlin Clark dribbles a basketball, we are inundated with dorks like Stephen A. Smith swarming to say the WNBA should be soooo thankful this woman saved their league and the WNBA wouldn’t exist without the talents of female Trae Young.
How do we oscillate from “this league is barely standing on its own two legs” to “here are the only cities I am willing to play in“?
Homegirl should be thankful this league even exists and she gets to earn a living wage playing basketball in the States.
BRITNEY GRINER WENT TO PRISON BECAUSE SHE HAD TO PLAY IN RUSSIA TO PAY HER RENT.
That was recently.
Sophie Cunningham is dogshit.
It would be like Patrick Williams telling the NBA not to bring a team back to Seattle because it rains too much there when Patrick Williams should be in the gym developing a fucking jumper.
Shut up and dribble.
Thanks for reading.
Let me know if you think Sophie Cunningham is good at basketball so I can mock you, leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
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