Will Shannon Sharpe Ever Find Love?

In a world where planes are falling out of the sky and you have to save few paychecks up to purchase one dozen eggs, we’re all just looking for a romantic partner to help us carry the weight. Shannon Sharpe is no different from you or me.

After 14 years as a Hall of Fame football player, Shannon Sharpe, incredibly, found his most fame and success as a broadcaster, passionately debating Skip Bayless and now Stephen A. Smith, on the biggest questions humanity cannot answer. Ya know, like “who is better: LeBron James or Michael Jordan” or something like “who is the GOAT: LeBron James or Michael Jordan“.

His important work isn’t done when his two-hour TV show ends— a show exclusively played on TVs that never get turned off like the ones in the backseat of taxis or the little ones in medical waiting rooms.

Shannon then walks from his home office, where the show is recorded, down to his basement to host “Club Shay Shay”—an important platform for some of our greatest black entertainers to go gossip, complain and lie.

Shannon Sharpe’s work is critical. When I saw the report that Shannon’s podcast was about to sign a $100 million deal, I thought to myself, “Finally, someone who is thoughtful and unique and intelligent gets rewarded instead of these lazy, hot take, inauthentic, soulless goblins”.

One of the good guys finally won.

We need the insight Shannon provides, like when he compared Russell Wilson being available in free agency to a “fine chick” who has expensive bags but is still on the market. Genius.

He’s absolutely right. Why would a woman who can afford nice things be single?? What’s her friggin problem???

Shannon is here to tell it like it is but I reckon it’s lonely for him.

I’m sure he must always question if the women in his life are with him because they like the smell of hennesey radiating out of his mouth as he mumbles about how they should stay in the kitchen or if the women in his life are there for his money.

In 2023, Shannon Sharpe may have finally found his rock, his life partner, his world—when he met 19-year-old Gabbi Zuniga at the gym.

At last, Shannon met The One—a teenage sex worker who allowed him to strangle her after a long, brutal, stressful day of talking into microphones from the comfort of his own home about other people doing things.

For two years, these lovebirds had the perfect relationship until this Easter Sunday when Zuniga filled a lawsuit against Shannon Sharpe, claiming she was raped on several separate occasions throughout their time together.

This (very) young lady is asking for $50 million in damages and she will be represented by Tony Buzbee—a man who just recently worked with a woman who accused Jay-Z of rape and then admitted she was just straight up lying about that whole thing.

Shannon—stunned, upset, heartbroken—has fought against these accusations by posting some of their sexts.

See? He’s innocent. These random, out-of-context sexts prove he’s not guilty.

Gabbi returned volley, sending TMZ a recorded phone conversation between the two where she sounds upset, to which Shannon responds by threatening to choke her.

The woman accusing #ShannonSharpe of r*pe has now released audio of a conversation she says she had with him … and in it, Sharpe can be heard telling her he’s “going to f***ing choke the s*** out” of her. Read the full #exclusive story: https://t.co/SFHeYGx3rF pic.twitter.com/Hj9lh3Xe8R

— TMZ Sports (@TMZ_Sports) April 22, 2025

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it forever: dating is hard.

It’s even harder when you’re a rich, successful man and the teenager you’ve secretly groomed into your personal, on-call choke slave suddenly grows a backbone and decides she doesn’t want to be strangled anymore.

I have no idea what happened between these two. No idea if Shannon assaulted her or took things too far, or if she’s lying for $50 million.

But I do know that 56-year-old multimillionaire Shannon Sharpe is the true victim in all this.

Alllllll he wanted to do was find a little girl he could nurture and develop into an All-Star butthole licker. A little girl who isn’t even legally old enough to get into “Club Shay Shay”.

Gabbi Zuniga should be thankful that Shannon Sharpe introduced her to wealth and items and gifts she would never have access to otherwise (as long as she allowed him to physically hurt her during sex, completely at his beck and call), and this little baby girl turned her back on him.

I truly hope Shannon Sharpe finds love.

Gen Z, man.

You can’t even manipulate them into constantly acting out your rape fetish without them claiming to be raped.

I blame TikTok.

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