thelesterlee
The Juan Soto decision is in.
BREAKING: Superstar outfielder Juan Soto and the New York Mets are in agreement on a 15-year, $765 million contract, sources tell ESPN. It is the largest deal in professional sports history.
— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) December 9, 2024
Juan Soto will be moving to Queens for the next 15 years for almost a billion dollars.
Sick.
Good for him.
I am super happy for him and not at all bitter that he chose money over an opportunity to run it back with the Yankees—a team that literally just narrowly lost a World Series and could easily have gone back the next season.
Seriously, who would’ve been in the Yankees way next year? The fucking ROYALS?
Whatever.
It’s fine.
Cash. Rules. Everything. Around. Me.
I get it.
With every big event, there are winners and there are certainly losers.
Let’s start with the biggest winners.
1. Capitalism
Once again, greed overtakes man’s humanity—leaving their soulless husks of flesh to rot in Flushing, Queens.
The gods laugh at our impedance, our minuscule pursuits and desires—knowing our quests to find meaning through our silly little collection of commodities will only lead us to the river Styx—our mortal hides returning to the soil while our essence is torched by Hades for eternity.
Good for Juan though. Happy he got what he wanted.
2. New York Yankees
Hey man, I love Juan Soto. No one gets on base more than he does.
Literally. He and Joey Votto have the greatest plate discipline I’ve ever seen.
It’s like Soto knows whether it’ll be a ball or a strike before the ball even leaves the pitcher’s hand.
But that being said, with all the potential incentives and bonuses totaled, Juan Soto could end up making $800 million.
That’s a ton of cash for a 0-time MVP who at 26 years old, may already be done as an outfielder.
Juan Soto will make more than LeBron James and Tom Brady’s career earnings combined.
The Yankees need to build up their arms and they need lineup depth.
That $800 million could be used to sign pitchers who can maintain the 1-0 lead the Yankees get from Aaron Judge’s 4th-inning solo homer.
3. Yankees fans
Juan Soto gave Yankees fans exactly what they needed: an opportunity to be openly racist and bitter and weird.
Within seconds of the news breaking, you could see an avalanche of Yankees fans questioning Juan Soto’s birth certificate and wishing injuries upon him.
I don’t like to tell fans how to handle bad news like I was fine with Toronto Raptors fans being happy about Kevin Durant tearing his achilles in the NBA Finals.
No players died or had their lives ruined.
Durant is still playing today.
It’s fine.
I actually think Yankees fans, deep down inside, preferred Soto signed elsewhere so they can complain and whine and continue hating Brian Cashman even though it would’ve been irresponsible for the Yankees to give that man more money than it costs to purchase the Charlotte Hornets.
4. Steve Cohen
In my morning scrolls that take place the moment I open my eyes, I saw that the Mets were still in the hunt for some of the top starting pitchers.
They just spent a billion on Juan Soto and they’re still spending more.
Obviously, I believe every billionaire should be treated like Brian Thompson, the (former) United Healthcare CEO, but if you’re going to exploit the working class and hoard an absurd amount of wealth, I’d much rather you spend that money on something cool like building a sports dynasty instead of like, funding international coup’s and twerking on stage for Donald Trump like Elon.
I pray Steve continues lighting his money on fire getting guys in Mets jerseys and never decides to openly engage in politics.
Keep buying expensive cars and Cuban prospects.
Do not walk into any room with Fox News playing on the TV. I beg you.
And now onto the Losers…
1. The future salary cap
I hate how so many MLB owners have convinced their fanbases that they can’t compete because they are so poor, unable to scrape pennies together so every All-Star player on their teams get moved at the trade deadlines so they’re not on the hook to pay them what they deserve.
However, I do believe there are several teams that literally cannot afford to pay Juan Soto.
And not that life needs to be totally fair all the time and all 30 teams should have a chance to sign the best players. That’s lame. Juan Soto is one of the greats. He shouldn’t be on the Rockies.
But at some point, the Dodgers and Mets can’t be the only places capable of signing any of these guys.
Juan Soto just put the MLB Player’s Union in a vice.
The owners are coming to negotiations ready to shut this whole shit down until they agree on a salary cap.
2. Yankees security
Apparently Juan Soto signed with the Mets because a Yankees security guard kept kicking his loved ones out of games.
Heyman says apparently a Yankees security guard booted Soto’s mom or dad from an area in the stadium in April or May, and there were some negative feelings about it; then the same guy threw out Soto’s driver & chef later in the year and they had to wait out in the rain 😬 pic.twitter.com/kez3Yp7PXE
— Jonny’s Lasagna ⚾️ (@JLasagna43) December 9, 2024
“The Mets have excellent intelligence. They were aware that while Soto liked being a Yankee and loved having Aaron Judge protect him in the lineup and lead them all in the clubhouse, he allegedly was upset early in the year by an overzealous Yankees security guy who disallowed a family member and his chef/driver from certain areas.”
So this guy’s fired, right? Your job is to break up fights and kick out drunk losers. No idea why this security guard is acting like he’s protecting the Oval Office. Let the fucking driver do what he wants. Who cares? Well, Juan Soto cared, apparently.
3. Mets fans
Yo, 15 years is a long ass time.
I believe there’s an opt-out after the 5th year but if he opts in, he’ll be paid additional millions each year he stays.
Soto will be 31 when that opt-in is available.
No way he elects to be a free agent knowing he’ll without a doubt never make as much as he does now.
Shout out Mets fans.
This is actually a cool signing but yea, this contract will be an anchor dragging the morale of the organization when he’s older and washed and always on the injured list while still being one of the highest-paid athletes on the planet.
Congrats for a year or two and lol for the next 13.
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