thelesterlee
Many moons ago I dated a girl who was obsessed with celebrities. So much of her life was centered around famous strangers. Oh, one night we had to drive 55 minutes out of the way so we could maybe meet some cast members from Summer House.
She and Tua Tagovailoa have something in common. They love seeing stars.
It feels like whenever the Miami Dolphins play on national television, Tua Tagovailoa takes a snooze on the 50-yard line after a linebacker sends him to his ancestors.
On Thursday night, with 4:36 left in the 3rd quarter, Tua Tagovailoa attempted to convert a 4th down with his legs, diving to avoid a hit and accidentally kamikazed his skull into Damar Hamlin’s chest, once again passing out and limping off the field.
Tua takes a hard hit. He appears to be concussed. #BUFvsMIA pic.twitter.com/SwBpjQQaM1
— Rate the Refs App (@Rate_the_Refs) September 13, 2024
It sucks watching Tua play the air saxophone once a year when his brain pinballs around his cranium. He’s the only player I’ve ever seen twitch like rigor mortis is setting in after he gets hit.
Football isn’t super fun to watch when we’re reminded of how violent and life-altering these hits are. Watching a football game is like scrolling through Live Leak beheadings for two hours.
Damar Hamlin being the one to turn Tua’s lights off makes it even worse.
Two men who have a combined 5-6 mid-game trips to the Pearly Gates but continue jogging back on the field every week to make us uncomfortable.
It’s looking like it’ll take Tua about 8-to-12 weeks to recover from the FOURTH (diagnosed) concussion of his career and although he should retire while he can still eat without drooling, Tua is 1000% going to start for the Miami Dolphins again—making us hold our breath whenever another team’s jersey is in arm’s length.
Tua Tagovailoa led the 2023 Miami Dolphins to the playoffs and was statistically the best quarterback in the entire league.
Over the summer, he signed a $212 million contract. He worked his entire life to put his pen on that dotted line. He’s from a gigantic Samoan family where everyone played football. Tua is the only one who made it to the league.
He’s playing for the entire Tagovailoa clan—and $212 million.
Tua will play football again and he will see stars again. We can only pray he gets the fun CTE Rob Gronkowski has and not the scary CTE like Junior Seau or the pervy one like Antonio Brown.
Brian Flores could’ve saved Tua Tagovailoa’s life
Weeks before the season started, Tua sat down with Dan LeBatard and explained his relationship with former head coach, Brian Flores. He claimed Flores shit on him daily, constantly telling him he wasn’t good enough and how it destroyed his confidence.
Personally, I just thought it was a hilarious coaching style. Brutal honesty like a Real Housewife on a girl’s trip, telling another Real Housewife what she really thinks of her because she’s drunk and misremembered a fight they had like, 2 years earlier.
But what if Brian Flores was actually attempting to save this young man’s life by berating him until he quits football because he knew Tua couldn’t physically survive out there?
Thursday night’s hospital visit would’ve been avoided if Tua listened to Brian Flores after he threw his clipboard across the practice field and shouted “YOU ARE ASS. QUIT YOU BUM”
Some people’s genius isn’t recognized until long after they’re gone.
What’s next for the Miami Dolphins?
[Insert lazy “Tom Brady” nonsense as if he isn’t closer to a retirement home than he is his rookie season.]
The Dolphins will be fine no matter who’s back there. Don’t let Tua’s brain leaking out of his ears distract you from how trash he played all night.
BILLS PICK-SIX 🔥
Tua’s third INT of the game 😱
(via @NFL)pic.twitter.com/9DBKFHxJ4v
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) September 13, 2024
My guy threw 3 interceptions and looked overwhelmed all night. I’m not even sure it was the hit that sent him out of the game. Tua fainted from the bright lights.
Tua’s numbers are inflated by throwing to Jaylen Waddle, Devon Achane and Miami’s most wanted. With a head coach who understands how to make all of these special players flourish.
Backup, Skylar Thompson will be fine. All he has to do is not torpedo head-first into an oncoming safety and the Dolphins will make the playoffs again.
Get well soon, Tua. Also, quit like Brian Fores said.
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Let me know if you think Tua Tagovailoa should sacrifice his huge contract for his long term health so I can make fun of you. Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
