thelesterlee
The NBA Offseason isn’t totally over yet. I’m sure we are all refreshing our Twitter feeds, impatiently waiting for the DeMar DeRozan move but it’s time to give out some highly respected Deadseriousness awards.
The Running The Bill Up and Sneaking Away Through The Bathroom Window Award
Boston Celtics
Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown are now the highest-paid players ever after signing massive extensions in back-to-back offseasons.
Derrick White, Jrue Holiday, Luke Kornet and Xavier Tillman all signed contract extensions as well.
Every other team seems terrified of this new CBA and the second apron thing but the Celtics do not give a single shit.
BREAKING: The Boston Celtics majority ownership group — led by Wyc Grousbeck — is planning to make the franchise available for sale, sources tell ESPN. The investment group purchased the team in 2002. Massive development for one of sports’ most valuable properties. pic.twitter.com/ICixdcJtLF
— Adrian Wojnarowski (@wojespn) July 1, 2024
Andddd look at that. Suddenly the Boston Celtics are for sale.
This man is running up the bill and leaving a pile of debt for whatever shady Saudi investor takes the team and makes them play half their home games in Jeddah.
The Pretending To Be Poor Award
Denver Nuggets
And on the other side of the spending coin stands Denver, pulling their pockets inside out and shrugging when the bill arrives.
Since winning the title, Denver let Bruce Brown and now Kentavious Caldwell-Pope just leave in free agency without getting any sort of compensation back.
Nikola Jokic is the best basketball player on planet Earth and if Jamal Murray turns an ankle, which he is obsessed with doing, Jokic has to look around the court and see Aaron Gordon and 3 equipment managers standing directly next to their defenders, looking like the last thing they want is the ball in their hands.
Denver is rumored to have interest in Russell Westbrook. *wipes hands clean* problem solved.
The You Get To Stand in the Corner and Watch Luka Doncic Award
Klay Thompson
I, too, will take $50 million to stand in the corner and watch Luka Doncic play basketball.
The Sweetest, Tastiest Lemon Award
Paul George
I keep hearing Paul George is better than Tobias Harris and sure, but I also keep hearing how the Sixers are soooo much better and like, what?
“This isn’t like the Phoenix Suns putting this big three together last year that was flawed from the start. This is a group that fits together perfectly.”@timbontemps says adding Paul George makes the 76ers a title contender 👀 pic.twitter.com/vIgGpY9Z6h
— Get Up (@GetUpESPN) July 1, 2024
What? What year is this? This would’ve been a massive signing 4 years ago when Paul George went to the Clippers the season after he finished 3rd in MVP voting.
Paul George’s best season was 2019. We’re going into 2025 and he’s already spending his energy on his retirement job. Podcast P does not solve the Tobias Harris problem. He exaggerates it.
I’m sure the city of brotherly love will treat PG kindly when he scores 7 points and makes no impact on a playoff game. Philly is known for their patience and understanding.
The Keep One Bag Packed By The Front Door Award
Julius Randle
Mikal Bridges is here and OG Anunoby re-signed and we’re all one big happy family.
But when money gets tight and players are eligible for extensions, who do you think is the odd man out?
Shout out to Randle for rising to an All-NBA level and restoring the feeling in Madison Square Garden but the minimum requirement for being a New York Knick these days is a Villanova student ID.
Without it, Randle should work out a deal with his landlord to cancel his lease and pay the rent month-by-month because the Knicks are a 5-game losing streak away from sending him to the airport.
The Does Vincent Adultman Work Here? Award
Los Angeles Clippers
Apparently, Paul George found out about Kawhi Leonard’s contract extension at the same time all of us did and, also like us, no one from the Clippers offered Paul a thing.
PG and Kawhi are cool so he’ll never say it but I imagine he felt a way about Kawhi, who is never healthy when the games matter most, getting a max extension while he is out there fighting for his life with Amir Coffey, checking his phone every timeout to see if the GM called with a new deal.
Instead of bringing back PG, they brought Kevin Porter Jr back to the NBA so he could beat up the team barber, along with Mo Bamba, Kris Dunn and the return of Nic Batum.
What is going on in that building? If a man whose physique resembles two children stacked in a big trench coat is making decisions up there, I pray he stops.
The Why Doesn’t Anyone Want To Buy Our Garbage? Award
Chicago Bulls
The Chicago Bulls have been shopping Zach LaVine for like, 2 years, while 29 other GMs send Chicago to voicemail whenever their name pops up.
DeMar DeRozan remains a free agent as the Bulls attempt some sort of sign and trade that no one else wants.
Lonzo Ball is also on the trade block if anyone’s interested in a guy who hasn’t played professional basketball since January 2022 because his dad made him wear sneakers made of styrofoam, turning his knees into wet tissue paper.
The I’m Not Sure I’ve Ever Seen This Motherfucker Play Basketball Award
Patrick Williams
MEANWHILE, the Chicago Bulls just gave Patrick Williams a 5-year $90 million contract and I swear I’ve never seen him play basketball.
He’s either always injured or his impact on the game is so minuscule I’d need a microscope to witness it.
There are 29 teams in the NBA. And then you have the Bulls.
The LeBron James Definitely Isn’t The GM But Here’s His Podcast Co-Host and His Son Award
Los Angeles Lakers
There is nothing LeBron James and Rich Paul love doing more than telling the media they are powerless, learning front office decisions in real time like the rest of us. And I want to be clear about something—who cares?
It feels strange to be angry or annoyed about LeBron, arguably the GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER EVER, having a say in some of the decisions that directly effect his ability to do his job successfully.
However, it is funny as hell that the Lakers head coach is LeBron’s podcast co-host and not only did the team draft his son in the second round but they signed him to a 4-year guaranteed contract which is borderline unprecedented for a 2nd rounder who’s played zero NBA minutes.
Good for them though.
JJ Redick gets to coach the Lakers.
Bronny James gets to play for the Lakers.
Rich Paul gets to date Adele.
LeBron’s people are up up.
The Girl, You Gotta Have a Side Hustle Award
Washington Wizards
At first, I couldn’t wrap my head around the Wizards offseason strategy.
They brought back big man, Richaun Holmes. They drafted big man, Alex Sarr, no. 2. And then they signed Jonas Valanciunas. Marvin Bagley Jr and Kyle Kuzma are there too.
After trading Kristaps Porzingis last season and Daniel Gafford at the trade deadline, Washington has realized they can run the big man market. They are acquiring random tall guys, hoping to steal draft picks away when teams desperately need them. 0% chance Valanciunas ends next season in DC. Just as the Wizards planned.
Like so many not-so-talented queens in DC, talking to their phone cameras about how you need to hustle, while selling poorly written books and charging ‘consulting fees’ to even less talented people, the Wizards are not relying on a simple 9-to-5 to keep the lights on over there.
The Sure, It’s Mid But It’s MY Mid Award
Toronto Raptors
Congrats to Scottie Barnes and Immanuel Quickley getting paid.
They and RJ Barrett are going to have some magical play-in games that we’ll all look back on and be like “Remember when the Raptors and Hawks went into double OT?? Crazy Toronto got swept in the first round immediately after.”
2019 Kawhi Leonard is not coming to save them.
The Bright Man Gets Paid Award
Isaiah Hartenstein
Love to see a brotha getting the bag. Salute to Isaiah Hartenstein signing an $87 million contract with the Oklahoma City Thunder.
Also while we’re here, you have to give credit to OKC for understanding the type of players their fans want. If the Gordon Hayward trade last season wasn’t obvious then acquiring Hartenstein and Alex Caruso is.
Luke Kennard soon cometh.
The I Uh, I Really Think You Should’ve Done More, Man Award
Milwaukee Bucks
So far, the Bucks drafted a kid who averaged 2.9 points and they just signed Taureen Prince. This roster was old last year and now they’re a year older with no major changes or upgrades being made. Shit, no minor changes made either.
I get that their season would’ve ended differently if Giannis wasn’t injured
The Disgusting Brothers Award
Tobias Harris and Tim Hardaway Jr
The Detroit Pistons are preparing for a gross ass 2024-2025 campaign. Tobias Harris and Tim Hardaway Jr are going to be a disgusting tag team next season while Jaden Ivey and Cade Cunningham have to awkwardly watch these two weirdos go back-and-forth chucking up nasty shots to prove to themselves they’re still the ‘guys’. And I will be watching every second of it.
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Who do you think won the 2024 NBA offseason? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
