thelesterlee
It’s time for quarterback battles, bay-beeeeee. Training camp is coming and nothing is more interesting to me than seeing the like, 23rd and 31st best QBs in the NFL battling to start for an organization in so much shambles that they are prepared to enter a season with the 31st best QB starting for them.
Here are the 7 funniest quarterback battles heading into the 2024 NFL season:
1. Gardner Minshew vs. Aidan O’Connell
This has to be one of the funniest quarterback battles based solely on all of us knowing neither of these men will be the starting quarterback for the Las Vegas Raiders in 2025. Davante Adams is one of the best receivers in the NFL.
Brock Bowers is a first-round pick with the potential to be one of the best tight ends in the NFL.
The Raiders are slowly building a dynamic offense. They’re one first-round QB away from battling for championships, or at the very least, making the playoffs.
Until then, Gardner Minshew and Aidan O’Connell are having a mid-off to decide who gets to be the backup next season to whichever rookie they draft or veteran they give a shit ton of money to.
Winner: Gardner Minshew
2. Bo Nix vs. Jarret Stidham vs. Zach Wilson
One of the nastiest QB rooms in NFL history. Bo Nix graduated high school before The Masked Singer ever aired on Fox and I feel like that show’s been on my entire life. Season 11 is airing right now.
In 4 years, Jarrett Stidham has only one game where he threw for over 300 yards. His team lost.
Honestly, I believe the best player in this strange Three Stooges battle is Zach Wilson, or at least, he has the potential to be. Perhaps a new environment mixed with some competition will groom Zach from immature Milf Hunter to professional football player.
Sean Payton is about to pull a Jovan Belcher at the 50-yard line.
Winner: Bo Nix
3. Drake Maye vs. Jacoby Brissett
I have to tip my cap to Jacoby Brissett, man. A 2016 3rd-round draft pick. The man has an 18-30 win-loss record as a starter and he’s managed to still be here for his 9th NFL season. Plus he’s a brotha. This league doesn’t keep them around as backups. They keep around more Nathan Peterman’s than Jacoby Brissett’s yet Jacoby finds himself on a roster every year regardless. A king.
Personally, I believe Drake Maye is more Sam Darnold than Josh Allen so I cannot wait for the preseason when Maye and Brissett trade atrocious turnovers as Patriots fans start to realize they will never get those Belichick/Brady years back.
Winner: Jacoby Brissett
4. Daniel Jones vs. Drew Lock
Daniel Jones had one good start last season. Drew Lock had two. Out of all these quarterback battles, the New York Giants have the most confusing situations with both QBs going into their 6th seasons, combining for like, 17 minutes of good film.
However, it feels like Jones’s job to lose because the Giants are the only team in NFL history that doesn’t believe in a starter losing their jobs from injuries so as long as Jones’s seasons end early from brutal injuries, he will continue getting shots, regardless of how terrible he looks when he is healthy. We should all pray for this level of job security.
Winner: Daniel Jones
5. Russell Wilson vs. Justin Fields
About a month ago, a report said Fields was taking special teams reps and potentially returning kicks. Last week, Fields came out and said he is 1000% not a punt returner and the coach was just sending a message that no one’s job is safe. Funny, Justin doesn’t realize the coach didn’t randomly choose him to make that example. The message was for Fields but his lack of self-awareness is how he finds himself battling with a washed 36-year-old sociopath.
Winner: Russell Wilson
6. Deshaun Watson vs. His urges
Deshaun lost 2 years of his career to a contract issue and a pervert issue and since returning in 2022, Watson has forgotten how to play the sport. When he was manipulating local Houston massage therapists, he was unstoppable. Happy ending Deshaun Watson was special. And a criminal.
Without his superpowers, aka without the ability to pressure masseuses into touching his little wee wee, Deshaun Watson plays football like he was pulled out of the bleachers, 5 beers deep, having never seen the sports before getting free tickets at his office job.
Winner: The urges
7. Aaron Rodgers vs. Time
I mean this in a couple different ways. The first and most obvious is a 40-year-old man with a torn Achilles attempting to play on the worst field in the NFL behind a nonexistent offensive line. Tom Brady and LeBron James have tricked us into believing athletes can play through their 40’s when in reality, those two are historical anomalies and Aaron Rodgers is not built for what is about to happen to him this season.
He’s also speedrunning the retired athlete to political nitwit transition, going as far as almost agreeing to become the VP running mate with JFK’s special needs nephew. Time is already beating this man’s ass.
Winner: Aaron Rodgers
Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.
What are your favorite quarterback battles this year? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if you think Deshaun can beat his demons (without paying for a woman to beat them for him).
