6 Winners and Losers of the 2024 Grammys

The 2024 Grammys is one of the biggest nights of the year. And like every big night, there are winners. And there are certainly losers.

Let’s start with the biggest winners of the 2023 Grammys:

1. Nicki Minaj

I get the feeling Nicki Minaj has been awake for like, 12 straight days. She’s been at war with Meg The Stallion resulting in one of the corniest diss tracks ever released. Go stream Big Foot so Nicki can afford her amphetamines.

Most of Nicki’s late-night cocaine-fueled tweet avalanches are sparked by slights she manufactures in her own head because she’s in a constant state of paranoia caused by either drug abuse or the side effects from getting cement injected into your butt checks behind the Jamaica Avenue train station.

But The Grammys gave her a legitimate reason to tweak out.

The announcement that was made then deleted. pic.twitter.com/1wCbLyppnE

— XXL Magazine (@XXL) February 4, 2024

The official Grammys account accidentally announced Nicki Minaj won Best Rap Song with Barbie World when she did not win. (nor should she have). For once, Nicki can take her relentless energy and aim it towards the Grammys and everyone will universally support her.

Nicki Minaj will probably just find a way to blame Ice Spice for this and Nicki will send her special needs teenage fans to steal Ice Spice’s mail or key her car or some shit.

2. Taylor Swift fans

I think Taylor Swift makes music for girls who got too drunk in college and woke up in a random bed with a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” Barstool flag hanging over their head and the sound of 3-4 guys repeatedly shouting ‘chug” outside of the window as they pre-gamed at 8am for a football game that starts at 8pm—so I will not be celebrating the fact Taylor holds the record now with 4 Album of the Year Grammy Awards but I recognize she’s one of the most popular women on the planet and good for her fans.

She also announced a new album that I don’t feel like researching the name of or the release date but I imagine if you’re a Taylor Swift fan reading this, you’re already fully aware of both. Shout out to Taylor Swift fans. You guys are having an incredible year. I’m honestly jealous.

But I’m refusing to acknowledge Taylor’s 4 Album of the Year Grammys. More than Michael Jackson, Prince, Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin, [insert names of all of the astronomically more talented people]. Nah, I’ve heard her music. In a world where the Grammys are actually about music as opposed to perceived popularity, Taylor Swift would have zero Grammys and wouldn’t even be invited to the event.

3. Killer Mike

Killer Mike finally won a Grammy Award for Rap Album of the Year thanks almost entirely to an unbelievable Andre 3000 verse. He appeared to be drunk out of his mind receiving his award and was promptly placed in handcuffs shortly after winning the trophy.

Killer Mike won some Grammys and is now being escorted out in handcuffs with his besties, the cops pic.twitter.com/miV33NI4kJ

— Dead Serious (@Deadseriousness) February 5, 2024

What a phenomenal night for Killer Mike. He won the highest achievement for people who give a shit about the Grammys and he ended up leaving the arena with the cops so he could finish the night doing what he loves most—on his knees licking boots til his tired little eyes can’t stay open.

It’s impossible for me to listen to Killer Mike’s music in 2024 after hearing him rap like he’s Malcolm X for years pretending to be a revolutionary only for him to immediately cozy up to the powers that be in Atlanta when protests broke out following the police slaughtering George Floyd. Killer Mike was telling us to kill our masters and COULDN’T STOMACH PEOPLE JUST OUTSIDE PROTESTING.

Glad he was able to leave with his boys. And already in handcuffs to cut out all the foreplay down at the precinct.

And now onto the Losers…

1. Hip Hop

Do you want to know why 48-year-old Killer Mike never won a Grammy until this weekend? Because he doesn’t make music that’s worthy of being declared ‘the best’ of anything. And I don’t even think he’s a bad rapper. My point is, hip hop is over, man.

Rap used to have a damn near impossible barrier of entry where only the elite of the elite could find success and now Lil Durk has a fucking Grammy and we have to pretend like that Drake and 21 Savage is worthy of a Grammy nomination.

Rap has so quickly been devoured by bots and turned into an algorithm and now, it feels as though the type of high-quality rap I listen to is like jazz. People look at you with two heads if you take the aux and throw on some MF Doom but there was once a time in the culture when you’d get roasted for playing any records from this year’s Travis Scott album.

2. The other pop girlies

Kacey Musgraves got naked in a commercial advertising her album this year and no one gives a single shit because Taylor Swift announced her album shortly after.

Lana Del Rey was nominated for 5 Grammys this year. She left with 0 Grammys.

I love Olivia Rodrigo market correcting the Disney girls and hitting the streets with a ‘what if Selina Gomez was actually talented?” She was nominated 6 times. She won 0 times.

Taylor Swift is having a Patrick Mahomes-style run and there’s a lot of Josh Allen’s and Lamar Jackson’s who don’t have a chance of ever catching her.