NBA Power Rankings: The Knicks are Going to the Finals Against the Utah Jazz

We’ve passed the threshold where it is officially time to take the NBA season seriously. The NFL season is over. We watched Charles Barkley say we need to give white people more credit for Civil Rights on MLK Day.

So let’s get these power rankings started bay-beeeeeeeeeeee:

1. New York Knicks

I couldn’t write the first NBA Power Rankings of the year and not put my beloved New York Knicks no. 1. With OG Anunboby, the Knicks have become a well-oiled machine with everyone understanding and thriving in their roles.

*whispers* plus, this might be the last time I can praise this team before they trade Quentin Grimes away because Thibs can’t seem to find minutes for a 23-year-old lockdown perimeter defender shooting 39% from 3 and after losing Obi Toppin, RJ Barrett, Immanuel Quickley and then Quentin Grimes, the Knicks are about to be totally void of vibes.

2. Toronto Raptors

Speaking of RJ Barrett and Immanuel Quickley, shout out to my sons doing their little thing up in Toronto. Sure, the Raptors have only won 3 of their 8 games since RJ and IQ arrived but there’s magic in the air.

Is Drake HIP HOP??!

3. Los Angeles Clippers

Since 2019, the Kawhi Leonard/Paul George Clippers have needed a point guard and look at that, James Harden shows up and Kawhi and PG look like MVPs again now that they’re not responsible for bringing the ball up the court, initiating the offense, worrying about getting other guys involved and dictating the pace.

Kawhi and Paul George can just hoop and they ARE.

4. Boston Celtics

I don’t have anything interesting to say about the Boston Celtics. Good for them. I just need Celtics fans to understand that 99% of the world has no interest in seeing Derrick White make the right pass or slap the floor and play lockdown defense in the All-Star game.

5. Denver Nuggets

The Nuggets are only the 3rd seed in the Western Conference and Jokic got bodied by Joel Embiid this week but does anyone actually believe a team in the West can beat Denver in a 7-game series when the Mucinex Man really starts caring?

6. Minnesota Timberwolves

Minnesota has had the no. 1 defense all season long. This time last year, we were all mocking the Timberwolves for the Rudy Gobert trade and now Gobert is once again a Defensive Player of the Year candidate.

GOBERT PUNCHED KYLE ANDERSON IN THE FACE. And somehow, this team has tremendous team chemistry. Maaaaaad icebreakers and trust falls over the summer with the boys.

7. Oklahoma City Thunder

The Thunder have the second-best net rating in the NBA. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander could win the MVP. Chet Holmgren could win the MVP. Josh Giddey could be on the sex offender’s list. There is talent up and down this roster and they all fit together perfectly and genuinely enjoy sharing the ball.

Last season I wrote an article begging the Thunder to free SGA from this perpetual rebuild and Shai decided he was personally going to end the rebuild by turning into one of the Top 5 basketball players on planet Earth.

8. Phoenix Suns

I sneaky love the Phoenix Suns, man. Yes, I know they are constantly hurt and there are really only maybe 5-6 NBA caliber players on the team and the rest of the roster is full of soon-to-be car salesmen and gym teachers.

But yo, these guys can SHOOT. Grayson Allen leads the NBA making 48% of his 3’s. Kevin Durant is third in the NBA shooting 47% from 3. Do you understand how insane that is? Two players on this roster make every single shot they take. Fuck Bradley Beal. Grayson Allen makes this team a Big 3.

They’ll find a guy who can play defense. Whatever.

9. Utah Jazz

The Jazz have been getting busy lately. They’ve won 12 of their last 14 games and the Jazz have quietly marched back into the play-in game. I know Lauri Markkanen’s name has been in trade talks but he could be an All-Star back-to-back years. Utah is building something really interesting around him so yea, teams can go ahead and stop calling.

They just beat the dog shit out of the Pacers. Deadseriousness is a Utah Jazz stan site.

10. Philadelphia 76ers

Personally, I think this Sixers team sucks but I have to reward them for beating the Denver Nuggets on national TV. So they get to be in the Top 10 in these original NBA Power Rankings. They’ve earned it or whatever.

But you will never get me to trust a team paying Tobias Harris $40fuckingmillion. Get East Coast Harrison Barnes OUT of here.

11. Dallas Mavericks

Kyrie Irving and Tim Hardaway Jr have been going CRAZY with Luka Doncic nursing an ankle injury. It’s fascinating seeing all these guys get reps without Luka dominating the ball. These games in January might give role players the confidence they need to step up in March when the games matter more.

12. Orlando Magic

The Orlando Magic have the third-best defensive rating in the NBA which is shocking considering they have two balding rotation players. Shout out Jalen Suggs and Joe Ingles. Keep confusing your barbers.

I love the Magic’s onslaught of point guards they throw at teams all game long. Jalen Suggs plays lockdown defense. Cole Anthony hits big shots. Markelle Fultz busts everyone’s ass in transition just flying down the court 100mph.

13. Cleveland Cavaliers

I do not want to praise the Cavaliers because as a Knicks fan, I refuse to listen to any more “the Knicks need Donovan Mitchell” bullshit from guys who straight up do not know ball. THAT BEING SAID, the Cavs just ran the Bucks out of the gym and are working on an impressive 6-game winning streak that rocketed them up to the 4 seed in the East.

They’re decent.

14. Sacramento Kings

After how last year ended in a 7-game UFC cage match against the Golden State Warriors, this team should be where Minnesota and Oklahoma City are but instead, they’re about where they were last season.

This is what happens when you run it back and don’t do shit to improve your personnel. Harrison Barnes needs to be off of this basketball team. What are we doing here? Free De’Aaron Fox.

15. Miami Heat

I have no idea how to grade the Miami Heat as they’ve established how little they care about the regular season. They’ve already proven they’re capable of going from the play-in game to the NBA Finals. Why should they care about these random games in January?

16. New Orleans Pelicans

I specifically want to talk about my guy, Jordan Hawkins. Prior to the season, I named him as one of the 7 guys from the 2023 NBA Draft I’m rooting for after seeing him weep when his name was called and finding out he was Angel Reese’s cousin.

And now the world is finally seeing Hawkins as he dropped 34 on the Mavericks and 21 against Charlotte off the bench.

Jordan Hawkins 21 PTS, 6/9 3PT 🔥 pic.twitter.com/sKomfJgiRg

— Brett Usher (@UsherNBA) January 18, 2024

I lowkey think he’s the missing piece for New Orleans. He’s already better than CJ McCollum and significantly younger.

17. Indiana Pacers

Remember when everyone and their mothers were crying about Super Teams ruining the NBA? And now the next great duo is Tyrese Haliburton and Pascal Siakam. This country is decaying.

18. Milwaukee Bucks

For a team many believe is destined for the NBA Finals, the Milwaukee Bucks sure do love losing basketball games to teams not nearly as talented as them. The Cavaliers just DRAGGED their asses on Wednesday night in a game that was over by halftime.

They lost back-to-back games to Houston and Utah. The team is 22nd in defensive rating. Brook Lopez and Giannis are perennial Defensive Player of the Year candidates and they have no idea how to stop teams from getting buckets. I love watching Damian Lillard get spun around by screens and look completely helpless on D. Turns out trading the best perimeter defender for the worst has negative consequences.

19. Chicago Bulls

The Bulls are an exponentially better basketball team without Zach LaVine but unfortunately, there are 29 NBA teams who also all believe they are a better basketball team without Zach LaVine. He’s an injury-prone asshole who hates every coach and does nothing to help a team win outside of chucking shots up.

Coby White>>>>>

20. Atlanta Hawks

I want to give Atlanta credit for recognizing Trae Young and Dejounte Murray didn’t work. We’ve seen stubborn organizations double and triple down on their mistakes. Atlanta seems borderline desperate to move on from Murray who was supposed to be this defensive stopper and a pressure relief valve for Trae and this offense and Dejounte is neither.

21. Los Angeles Lakers

Here are the list of shooters LeBron James has won championships with:

Mike Miller
Chris Bosh
Shane Battier
James Jones
Ray Allen
Rashard Lewis
Kevin Love
JR Smith
Channing Frye
Richard Jefferson
Danny Green
Kyle Kuzma
Quinn Cook

Okay, all of those players are better shooters than Jared fucking Vanderbilt, Taurean Prince and Cam Reddish.

22. Houston Rockets

It’s never a greaaaat look when you lose 3 straight games against Boston, Philly and New York. Getting swept by good basketball teams is a fairly strong indicator that you are not a good basketball team.

Boston scored 145 on them. Houston’s defense was their strong suit and they got BODIED by Ime Udoka’s ex. And Ime doesn’t seem like the type of cat who is okay with getting embarrassed in front of all his former Boston hoes. As I write this, I assume Udoka is beating Jalen Green with his belt¹.

23. Golden State Warriors

We all know it’s over in Golden State, right? Steve Kerr is being exposed as a fraud who just lights incense and squeezes mystical crystals for protection. Draymond Green has gone fully rapid with no control over his body and an unquenchable thirst for international blood. Klay Thompson hasn’t made a jumper since the Trump administration.

24. Brooklyn Nets

As a Knicks fan who is patiently waiting for the Villanova Wildcats Voltron to fully form, I will bite my tongue on all the Mikal Bridges slanders floating in my brain right now. When Jalen Brunson, Josh Hart, Donte DiVincenzo and Mikal Bridges hit the court together, Madison Square Garden is going to erupt.

At least Quentin Grimes gets to stay in New York.

25. San Antonio Spurs

The Spurs are going to be a Top 4 team in the West as soon as Gregg Popovich retires and the new head coach allows Victor Wembanyama to shine and perhaps play him next to 4 guys who understand they are not better than Vic. Like, Popovich should be kept out of the Hall of Fame solely for letting Jeremy Sochan be on the same court as Wembanyama.

26. Charlotte Hornets

LaMelo Ball is BACK and he’s allowed to show his tattoo now after the NBA made him cover his own initials. But it’s too late. 6 weeks later and the Hornets are barely a basketball team. They’ve won 8 games. It’s January.

What is even the point of holding onto Miles Bridges—who strangled his girlfriend, broke her nose and gave her a concussion? They have 8 WINS. I promise, you do not need to keep the violent sociopath if you’re only going to win 8 fucking games.

27. Memphis Grizzlies

Next time I do these power rankings, the Grizzlies could be dead last because I’ll be honest with you guys—I’m not watching the Ja-less Grizzlies for the rest of the year. I watched them play the Warriors on MLK Day and their entire offense was just swinging the ball around the 3-point line back and forth, over and over because no one on the team is skilled enough to dribble past their defenders.

I will say, shout out GG Jackson. Walking bucket.

28. Portland Trailblazers

I’m convinced Portland is generating NBA players with some sort of AI technology. I just watched DUOP REATH drop 17 points on the Phoenix Suns this week. HE’S 27. He played college ball at LSU in 2016. HE REPLACED BEN SIMMONS. BEN SIMMONS HAS BEEN IN THE NBA FOR ALMOST A DECADE.

Duop Reath showed no signs of slowing down as he helped Portland secure a thrilling win against Brooklyn 👍

17 PTS | 7-9 FG | 2 3PM | 7 REB | 3 AST | +5 | 25 MIN#AussieHoops #RipCity #NBA pic.twitter.com/conuU5tElJ

— The Pick and Roll 🇦🇺🏀 (@PickandRollAU) January 18, 2024

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2023-24 NBA Rookie of the Year: Duop Reath.

29. Washington Wizards

I want to quickly compliment the Wizards. Marvin Bagley will have far more success in Washington than Detroit. Kyle Kuzma already proved how well he can play alongside Kristaps Porzingis last season and these are the types of risks you take on when you’re rebuilding.

Jordan Poole, however, is the type of risk you take when you’re trying to tank and draft a guard far better than Jordan Poole. So I don’t know what this team will look like next season but Bagley good, Poole bad.

30. Detroit Pistons

I could’ve been cute about the Pistons beating the Wizards and blah blah but nah.

Look at these geniuses at work:

“Oh, my goodness. You want to talk about an unforced error? The Pistons just committed one.”

Greg Kelser on the call as Killian Hayes and Isaiah Stewart combine for quite the blooper. pic.twitter.com/Z16ZyZccKZ

— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) January 13, 2024

This is the worst basketball team in NBA history.

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.