7 Scorching Hot Takes For The 2024 NFL Season

I am writing this about 10 hours about the start of the 2024 NFL season, aka the first and last Thursday night game I’ll be watching this year.

So I have to rush these takes out before the opening kickoff. Be careful, they are SCORCHING hot takes.

Here are my 7 hot takes for the 2024 NFL season:

1. Las Vegas Raiders Have The Worst Record

As a Giants fan, I’m genuinely confused to see so many mock drafts with New York getting the No. 1 pick.

I understand not trusting Daniel Jones but this team won 6 games last season with Tyrod Taylor and Tommy DeVito.

Meanwhile, the Las Vegas Raiders are a pile of trash in the middle of the street and we’re all driving around it like it’s not there.

This team SUUUUUUUUCKS.

Their starting quarterback is Gardner Minshew—a career backup who brags about sleeping on a dumpster bed.

They lost Josh Jacobs in free agency and replaced him with…*Googles*…a bum.

I imagine 31 other GMs are actively flooding the Raiders Gmail¹ inbox with “Soooo like, are and Davante Adams still talking? Or….” messages—so Adams will be out of town before the trade deadline.

THEY PLAY THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS. TWICE.

The Giants play in a division where Jalen Hurts is strangling Nick Sirianni on the sidelines like Homer Simpson does Bart, Jerry Jones only wants to pay 3-to-4 players so the rest of the roster is full of scabs and Jayden Daniels reminds me of that odd, skinny, tall, goth kid in high school who was always hugging up on his weird girlfriend all day long. They never kissed. Just hugged awkwardly all day. Yea, Jayden is built like a school shooter.

The Giants are better.

Antonio Pierce is in his first full year as a coach and the Raiders are in a division with 3 of the greatest head coaches in NFL history. At one point this season, Las Vegas has to play The Rams, Chiefs, Bengals and then Dolphins in consecutive weeks.

When 5-foot-11 Garnder Minshew struggles to see over the line of scrimmage and Davante Adams starts publicly complaining about missing Aaron Rodgers—and when Maxx Crosby gets cancelled saying something super weird on his SiriusXM radio show with Bill Belichick—Las Vegas will be void of talent.

Aidan O’Connell is going to start football games for the Raiders. This team suuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

2. Arizona Cardinals Make The Playoffs

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m all in on Kyler Murray this season. I am SO into Kyler I think the Cardinals are winning the NFC West this year. Please don’t screenshot this.

I recognize this team only won 4 games last season but coach Jonathan Gannon had these losers busting their ass every week like the McDonald’s lunch shift manager. I’ve been watching Josh Dobbs play football for a decade and he’s never looked better than he did last year.

The San Francisco 49ers can’t keep losing the Super Bowl every year and just bouncing back like nothing bad happened. Brandon Aiyuk and Trent Williams got their contracts but at what cost? Christian McCaffrey is limping right. now. Brock Purdy is about to show us why he was drafted last.

Their first-round rookie just got fucking SHOT. WITH A GUN.

Love the Rams. Sean McVay is the coach I never had. But Aaron Donald—the greatest defensive lineman of all time—just retired.

I have no specific slander for the Seattle Seahawks. Just think Arizona will win more games. Godspeed to them.

3. New York Jets Finish In Last Place

Aaron Rodgers is done.

Why are we pretending like this old man—who just spent the last season lying about how soon he’ll be back from tearing his achilles—will be a good quarterback in 2024 when he hasn’t been a good quarterback since Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez were together? That was two relationships ago.

Rodgers is 41 soon. Guys, what are we doing here?

Tom Brady was OBSESSED with his health and fitness. He wouldn’t eat a strawberry.

Aaron Rodgers spends his downtime vaping, watching the Fresh N Fit podcast.

JUST LOOK AT THIS PHOTO. Aaron Rodgers looks like the retired owner of the big Greek diner in town during a busy dinner rush.

It will take divine intervention, the lamb of God himself, returning to save the world, for the 2024 New York Jets to win more than 4 games.

4. Brian Thomas Jr is the Offensive Rookie of the Year

From day one, Brian Thomas Jr walked into the Jacksonville Jaguars facility as the most talented receiver.

Brian Thomas Jr. is SOO MUCH MORE than just deep threat. He has shown off his underappreciated route running all training camp and preseason. He isn’t just a fast guy who can get open. His ability to know WHEN HE IS OPEN is special. You got one Jags fans.
pic.twitter.com/KBiKWrG36m

— Robert Griffin III (@RGIII) August 24, 2024

Trevor Lawrence was having a solid start to his 2023 season before the injuries piled up. T-Law and Brian Thomas Jr could finish this season as the best 1-2 combo in the NFL. Lawrence has never played with anyone as great at BT. Brian Thomas just led the country in touchdowns last season with 17 of them thangs.

Last season, Calvin Ridley led this receiver group in targets. Now he’s long gone so someone has to get those targets this year. And Brian Thomas Jr is exponentially more talented than Calvin Ridley.

Oh, and while we’re here, this Jacksonville Jaguars team is winning the AFC South. Trevor Lawrence is about to emerge from the phone booth with an S on his chest.

5. The Caleb Williams era won’t start until 2025

I do not wish injuries upon anyone. If it were up to me, players would never get hurt and no one would ever die. Unless they’re in Cowboys uniforms, of course. We’ll get to that in second, actually.

But Caleb Williams wouldn’t be the first highly anticipated rookie to slip on a banana peel and lose his entire season. It literally just happened in 2020. Joe Burrow just had the single greatest season in college football history and couldn’t make it out of his rookie year alive.

I’d love to see this all season:

Caleb Williams will be the first QB in NFL draft history selected in the top 5 to throw to multiple players who had at least 1,200 receiving yards in the previous season.

Are you in or out on Williams for 2024?pic.twitter.com/DuiGYWgbQ2

— Moody (@EricNMoody) September 4, 2024

But unfortunately, I fear we’ll get this:

Caleb_Williams_Stretcher.mp4

6. Jerry Jones Finally Dies

RIP Bozo.

7. Giants Make The Playoffs

Okay so like, maaaaaaaybe this is more wishful thinking than a “scorching hot take” but this clip of Giants GM, Joe Schoen, not so subtlety shitting on Daniel Jones may save the season.

“Gotta be nice not to be looking at the (Quarterbacks)” – #Giants100 GM Joe Schoen to #DaBears Ryan Poles on Hard Knocks pic.twitter.com/qLdmLbIDEu

— Monte (@MONTECRI5TO) September 4, 2024

During an episode of the Chicago Bears Hard Knocks, Joe Schoen is recorded basically being jealous of Ryan Poles for having a quarterback. This clip came out like, 4 weeks after an episode of the New York Giants Hard Knocks when Joe Schoen attempted to send all of the Giants draft picks to New England for Drake Maye.

Daniel Jones has nothing to lose. His boss is actively searching for his replacement. He can play without overthinking every decision and just throw that shit all over the yard.

My man has never played with anyone like Malik Nabers. Saquon Barkley is dynamic. Duh. But he and Jones were rarely healthy at the same time. And the one season they played together all year, they went to the playoffs. Give Daniel Jones something and he can make the most of it.

The vibes will be much smoother now that Darren Waller isn’t trying to play his homemade R&B on the locker room speakers after they all just overheard him and Kelsey Plum arguing on the phone an hour earlier.

Plus, Shane Bowen replacing Wink Martindale as Defensive Coordinator will both improve the defense—specifically stopping the run—and help Brian Daboll walk down the street without feeling like someone is following him as Wink slowly creeps around, hoping to catch Daboll sinning so he can blackmail his way into a head coaching job. Daboll can enjoy his lunch without making Tommy DeVito take the first bite to test for poison.

The Giants are heading to the playoffs and Jerry Jones is dying. This is about to be the best NFL season of my entire life.

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What are your hot takes for the 2024 NFL season? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.