7 Biggest Losers of NFL Week 14

*hits vape* Ah, NFL Week 14 *blows out the most obnoxious berry-flavored vape smoke cloud* what a week, what a week. Justin Herbert put a bullet to the temple of every hot take artist claiming Tua Tagavailoa was a better QB. The Carolina Panthers are somehow good again. The Chiefs knocked the Jesus out of Russell Wilson.

And with every week of football, there are losers. Here are the biggest losers of NFL Week 14:

1. The New York Giants 2022 season

It’s officially over. The dream season is done. The New York Giants started the season 5-1. Head coach Brian Daboll looked like he knew the dark secrets to football as he led a roster full of guys who Deion Sanders wouldn’t even consider trying to recruit to Colorado.

After getting spanked 48-22 and going 4 straight weeks without a win, I am prepared to say I have given up on the 2022 season and I’m ready for an annoying offseason full of Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley contract drama. Do they pay these two guys who have never made the playoffs or do they start from scratch and rebuild their rebuild?

Whatever happens, I just hope they sign a punter who can…punt

Interesting tidbit: #Giants punter Jamie Gillan is from Scotland and used to play Rugby 😬 pic.twitter.com/w9V4eoTnTi

— uSTADIUM (@uSTADIUM) December 11, 2022

2. Concussion protocol

The Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens had a backup quarterback slap fight following a string of concussions left and right. Kenny Pickett didn’t even make it out of the Steelers first drive without getting body bagged by Roquan Smith.

Everyone saw Kenny’s head dribble like James Harden in a Rockets jersey yet he managed to pass the concussion protocol and return to the game. Then he threw an interception and was immediately pulled out of the game again but a concussion.

Love this super cool and fun sport where player safety is so imperative. Unless you can help your team win in which case it’s fuck your safety. Unless you throw an interception in which case it’s all about player safety.

3. Josh McDaniels

Last month, the Raiders took a big fat L to the Indianapolis Colts who had just hired a head coach off the set of NFL Live on ESPN. This week, Josh McDaniels led his Raiders into another soul-crushing loss to the Los Angeles Rams whose quarterback was signed and arrived to the team like, 8 minutes before the opening kickoff.

The Raiders have a talented roster but opposing teams see them as a quick lunch and I put that squarely on the shoulders of the head coach whose team looks unprepared and uninspired every Sunday.

Just look at every photo of McDaniels. That is the face of a mark. Josh McDaniels couldn’t walk through Times Square without signing 10 petitions, taking (and paying for) pictures with every single mascot walking around and getting pickpocketed.

4. The entire Brady family

Tom Brady was supposed to have a beautiful homecoming this week. Born and raised 16 miles away in San Mateo, Brady was a lifelong 49ers fan and obviously believed he was about to have a huge game in front of his hometown folks. He invited everyone he knew.

For return to Bay Area, Tom Brady requested 83 tickets for family & friends to attend today’s game, I’m told. They’ll be sitting in nosebleeds. Immediate family was offered better seats, but they declined so they could sit with group. Rain could force them inside, but I doubt it.

— Jeff Darlington (@JeffDarlington) December 11, 2022

Aw. But then he did shit like this:

Dre Greenlaw is 1 of the best LBs in football PERIOD FULL STOP!!! pic.twitter.com/PLiAKTJX7b

— HUFANGA STAN!!! (@sf_derek) December 12, 2022

Tom Brady threw a pair of picks and lost 7-35 to San Fran and their rookie QB, Brock Purdy, who was making his first career NFL start. Tom Brady is quickly becoming the most divorced middle-aged man in the history of divorced men. He will 1000% be at Coachella this summer with a girl who has to get home early to submit her math homework.

5. Cleveland Browns

The Browns are now 0-2 since taking the starting job away from Jacoby Brissett and handing the keys to a man who is obsessed with begging women to touch his widdle wee wee. I don’t have much to say here besides fuck Deshaun Watson.

6. Mike White

Mike White has gotten destroyed today by the #Bills defense. pic.twitter.com/ccTrX2ErqG

— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) December 11, 2022

Mike White was annihilated all game long. The Jets offensive line allowed the Bills pass rush to do whatever they wanted. Unfortunately for the Jets, the Bills pass rush wanted to break Mike White’s ribs.

But Mike White isn’t on the losers list because his ribs hurt. Mike White is on this list because he came back into the game and fucked his ribs up even more. He left the game in an ambulance to the local hospital. For the Jets.

White seems very aware of how he is perceived by Jets fans. He is the antithesis of Zach Wilson—the whiny spoiled brat. But he’s already proven his toughness. He doesn’t need internal bleeding and organ damage to keep his job but it’s the NFL where you just pop a pill or take a shot and you go out there because that’s what men do and blah blah.

Please sit down Mike. Your job is safe. Give the people what they really want. Marlboro Joe.

7. Bill Simmons

When you bet on the Lions you just have to factor in dumb shit like “Campbell will go for it on 4th and 4 on the 40 for no real fucking reason” so I’m not flustered – I already factored in 3 dumb decisions.

— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) December 11, 2022

This is more about everyone in the NFL media and not specifically Bill Simmons but his tweet about the Lions game cannot escape my mind’s eye.

The Lions went for it on 4th and 4 on the opponent’s 40-yard line instead of punting. They failed to convert that 4th down but that doesn’t mean it was a bad decision. The idea that a decision is only good if it works and terrible if it fails is reductive and lazy but I suppose that sums up the last few years of Bill Simmons’s career. BOAM ROASTED.