Royal Rumble is approaching. This is usually when I tap into WWE. But this year, who cares? Roman Reigns vs Cody Rhodes again. Old man CM Punk in his 25-26 LeBron era.
Life on Earth would be better if the McMahon family evaporated into air tomorrow but my plate has no room for the Royal Rumble. My assistant can’t fit that charity event into my calendar.
It made me realize I hadn’t really loved WWE since, like, 2005, and my interest in the product has always, solely, been my vested interest in their acquisitions. I stayed for Punk and Daniel Bryan. I came back to see what Gunther and Cody Rhodes would look like.
And with Powerhouse Hobbs set to join WWE and hopefully get a pop at the Royal Rumble, it made me think to myself, what AEW performers could sign with WWE next and actually make me excited to watch, even knowing Road Dogg will have no idea what to do with their stories.
1. Swerve Strickland
If you read my thoughts on Hobbs joining AEW, you know I’m weary of WWE’s ability to tell stories or even conceive of ideas for black men on their roster.
Unless they’re losing to Hulk Hogan or Triple H, WWE is no country for black men.
But if I’m being honest with myself, and with you, my beautiful, distinguished readers, almost nothing can make me watch WWE.
Kenny Omega or Adam Page or even Will Ospreay pulling a Cody Rhodes doesn’t do shit for me.
Been there, done that.
And this time, there’s no Roman Reigns to slay.
You get a CM Punk feud where both wrestlers are coy and play cute-sy about their past in AEW, you get that again with Cody, and then yea, it’s boring as shit.
However, if WWE rolled the red carpet out for any main eventer in AEW, Swerve Strickland would have my attention, especially with the rise of cats like Trick Williams and Oba Femi and Je’Von Evans. I’d love for them to have a black mentor in the locker room instead of The Undertaker telling them to pull up their pants and turn down their hippity hop music.
2. Andrade El Idolo
I think Andrade should appear on WWE and AEW back and forth all year, both companies refusing to acknowledge the other, Andrade on duel contracts appearing on Monday Night Raw, Wednesday Night Dynamite, Friday Night Smackdown and Saturday Night Collision all in one week, two totally different characters, a Raving Rick Rude main character challenging Swerve and Kenny Omega at the top of the AEW card and then jobbing to, like, The Miz on Smackdown in the middle.
3. Anna Jay
In AEW, Anna Jay, a hotwife among killers.
In WWE, Anna Jay is a 12-time Women’s World Champion, ass out, in-ring work an afterthought.
With the looks of a mid-2000s diva and the wrestling ability of a late 2000’s diva, Anna Jay becomes the face, and body, on every billboard and truck wrap for that company.
The Venn diagram of WWE fans and gooners is a perfect oval. Anna Jay becomes the biggest star (until Becky or Charlotte buries her under the guise of “toughening her up”)
4. Jeff Jarrett
The original Andrade, Jeff Jarrett never got the farewell tour he tried to throw himself last year, in a middling promo with MJF, resulting in Tony Khan sitting Jarrett on the shelf, punishing him for believing he could book himself a title run.
If Chris Jericho can return to an audience of fans with absolutely no relationship with him or his work, only in the building to YEET with Jey Uso and give Pat McAfee standing ovations, Jeff Jarrett was in WWE so long ago, the young fans with vague memories of him as NWA World Champion could convince thmeselves Jarrett is a legend deserving of that farewell title reign AEW would never forcefeed their audience.
5. Colt Cabana
Colt Cabana vs. CM Punk, Hell in a Cell, exploding tables and barbed wire match with go craaaazy. 5 stars, the two men shake hands and everyone who grew up watching Chris Hero clothesline heads off weeps.
OR
CM Punk wins the most one-sided ass beating in WWE history, turning borderline dangerous, ambulance needed at the top of the ramp to carry Colt Cabana into the helicopter bringing him to the nearest hospital to restore his nervous system.
A Colt Cabana WWE signing could solidify CM Punk’s GOAT case. If he could convince WWE to sign his mortal enemy to book himself a legal beating that he gets paid millions for, Punk is untouchable. He’s close. Licking Saudi Arabian boots last year surged him right past Kurt Angle and Ric Flair.
Give him a match with Colt Cabana where he shoot snaps his elbow in an armbar, not reliving the pressure until he hears the bone snap.
If you enjoyed what you read, head over to our Substack. We’ve got more content making fun of the ridiculous world we live in, sent directly to your email inbox daily.
Follow us over on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
