This week, we celebrate MLK, most likely the final time, Donald Trump, one Jeffrey Epstein leak away from removing Black History from textbooks, his legion of sniveling cowards prepared to flood your nervous system defending him tooth and nail, as they slowly toss Epstein survivors off skyscrapers, one by one.
That also means we’re halfway through the NBA season.
Let’s make things more interesting.
Ja Morant just informed the Grizzlies he wants to stay in Memphis.
Giannis is pretending he wants to stay in Milwaukee so his brothers continue eating free at all the local Bar-N-Grills.
Anthony Davis, cursed by the frailty of his appendages, is Dallas’s problem.
So here’s 6 quick trades to shake shit up around here:
Trae Young and Ja Morant team up in the Capitol
Washington Wizards receive: Ja Morant, Jon Konchar
Memphis Grizzlies receive: Khris Middleton, Bilal Coullbuly, Bub Carrington, Cam Whitmore
4-time All-Star Trae Young secured.
Trae and Alex Sarr, alley-oop spamming incoming.
But why stop there?
Enter Ja Morant, the hypochondriac with unlimited PTO, playing just one game in a Wizards uniform would automatically make him the most talented human in DC.
The Washington Wizards won’t be M.A.S.H. series finale numbers but Trae Young and Ja Morant are the most fun NBA Jam team.
Memphis gets a bunch of stuff.
Between Bilal Coullbuly, Bub Carrington and Cam Whitmore, the Grizzlies receive the equivalent of 3 first-round draft picks in exchange for Ja.
Giannis takes on ICE
Minnesota Timberwolves receive: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Gary Trent Jr
Milwaukee Bucks receive: Julius Randle, Jaden McDaniels, Rob Dillingham, 2 1st round picks
Giannis is late to practice every day, parked in the furthest spot, screaming into his steering wheel before he clocks into a job he hates, fighting back tears, listening to Doc Rivers deliver non-specific, vague platitudes and axioms, a sermon in Instagram captions.
I love the way the Timberwolves are playing this season. 6th in offensive rating, 8th in defensive rating.
Drop Giannis in, removing those Julius Randle main character possessions.
Julius Randle and Bobby Portis, Knicks legend, reunite in Milwaukee. Marcus Morris is a free agent. Run it back.
Knicks corner
Phoenix Suns receive: Karl-Anthony Towns, Pacome Dadiet, Tyler Kolek
New York Knicks receive: Mark Williams, Grayson Allen, Jalen Green
This trade isn’t splashy for New York, sort of the antithesis of this whole exercise, but as a Knicks fan, I’d love to be free from watching him play basketball in a Knicks uniform.
Karl-Anthony, your watch has ended.
It’ll cost me a Tyler Kolek.
So I shall reward myself a new white named Grayson.
Jalen Green is a lotto ticket. Either he develops alongside Jalen Brunson, creating some unique scoring lineups or he’s a trade chip to be used later.
Shrug.
The IDF Takes Detroit
Detroit Pistons receive: Deni Avdija, Scoot Henderson
Portland Trailblazers receive: Jaden Ivey, Ausar Thompson
The Pistons are a roller derby team in sneakers. Opponents come to play basketball, they leave icing their wounds, having just lost a rugby match.
Deni Avdija is a wrecking ball, leading the league in free throw attempts, utilizing all of his Israeli defense training to shatter his enemy’s bones.
Deni teaches Beef Stewart Krav Maga, the East crumbles beneath Detroit’s boot.
Detroit and Portland can swap Scoot Henderson and Ausar Thompson, two top picks in the 2023 draft, I’ll describe as “slow learners”.
The “I’d Rather Have Kyrie Than AD” Trade
Indiana Pacers receive: Kyrie Irving, Ryan Nembhard
Dallas Mavericks receive: Benedict Mathurin, Obi Toppin, TJ McConnell
We’ve returned to a point where Anthony Davis is less reliable than Joel Embiid.
The latter, cruising, 20+ every game, no knee issues at all.
The former, out for 3 months with imposter syndrome.
I cannot, in good faith, suggest a team give up anything to acquire a man out for the next 3 months with a stummy ache.
Kyrie’s kept quiet while his boss, Miriam Adelson, paves Palestine to put up a parking lot.
Let Kyrie finish his career in basketball Graceland, maybe start as a 6th man role, he and Tyrese gaining chemistry as the season progresses until you drop Kyrie 40-minute-a-night-nukes all over the first round losers.
Imagine how dope that last OKC/Indiana Finals would’ve been if Kyrie Irving was just in the middle of it?
Oh and the Nembhard brothers unite
. All NBA brothers are required one year of service on the same team.
The Spotrac Trade Machine Master Stroke
Los Angeles Lakers receive: Paul George, Adem Bona
Philadelphia 76ers receive: Zion Williamson, Herb Jones
New Orleans Pelicans receive: Rui Hachimura, Austin Reaves, Gabe Vincent, DeAndre Ayton (Sure, take a first-round pick from whoever)
Are you happy now, Mr. Adele??
Austin Reaves with LeBron and Luka, practice cones for players to casually dribble around. Paul George can still protect this house, perhaps additional motivation playing for the purple and gold.
Enter Paul George, a man who asked for a trade to the Lakers 9 years ago, only to be shipped off to Oklahoma City for a Nas concert in Westbrook’s backyard.
Adem Bona is like if DeAndre Ayton took the Substance.
Tyrese Maxey and VJ Edgecombe turn basketball games into 40-yard dashes, let’s give them the most insane fastbreak partner possible.
2025 Zion Williamson dunk reel pic.twitter.com/eTfJwKbLRL
— Pitless (@pitlessball) April 21, 2025
Zion Williamson keeps crashing the desktop computers in the team facility, porn pop ads and a blue screen of death every restart. Derik Queen is here. Zion can continue living out the fantasies of a 13-year old goongod elsewhere.
With Reaves and Ayton on player options, New Orleans essentially frees up cap space, maybe giving them room to swallow a nasty contract a team wants to unload with a first-round pick attachment, the Kings are a phone call away.
OR, they can extend Austin Reaves, adding him to the Louisiana Project.
OR, they can potentially use bird rights to sign him to a bigger contract extension in a sign-and-trade deal this summer.
The Pelicans have played 47 games.
They’ve won 10 of them.
This trade would grant them roster flexibility, ya know, so they can add more talented players, capable of winning more than 10 games in 2 and a half months.
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