5 Teams That Should Trade For Zach Wilson

This week, New York Jets GM, Joe Douglas, told reporters that the team has permitted Zach Wilson to seek a trade following two straight seasons of throwing Zach under the bus and using him as a scapegoat for an organization that Mecole Hardman recently shit on in an interview where he said the offense had no standards and everyone was just doing whatever they wanted.

The Jets drafted Zach Wilson with the No. 2 overall in 2021 and it feels like the franchise put an absurd amount of pressure on him to sort of create and define the culture in New York—which is insane to ask of a 21-year-old Mormon. Especially coming out of a weird ass 2020 Covid year where sports was strange and I imagine it’s tough for a young QB to develop probably in those odd circumstances.

Imagine going into work your first shift at McDonalds and you’re put in charge of the drive-thru by yourself while your boss exclusively works with the front counter. You’re over at the drive-thru begging for help or any real instructions at all and your boss is like ‘Sorry, I run the front counter team. It’s up to you to sort of figure it all out over there. It sounds like Jets head coach, Robert Saleh, only focuses on the defense while Zach Wilson has to kind of just figure it out on his own.

Robert Saleh deserves a misdemeanor and court dates for what he’s done with the Jets. He had an 18-33 record as head coach and the man doesn’t even go to the NFL Combine. And sure, neither does Rams coach, Sean McVay but McVay has been to two Super Bowls and Robert Saleh has double-digit losses every single year.

Zach Wilson deserves a fresh start away from short Italian bald narcissists who scream over the New York radio waves all day about how much of a bum Wilson is for not being able to find his receiver downfield when he has less than 0.1 seconds to throw because the second he snaps the ball, his entire offensive line is on their backs.

Let’s find Zach a new home where he can flourish away from Aaron Rodgers sitting him down and explaining why facemasks are oppression and how they are trying to control us or whatever the fuck.

Here are 5 teams that should trade for Zach Wilson:

1. Kansas City Chiefs

Let’s start by establishing a truth about Zach Wilson: he is a backup QB for the foreseeable future. Wilson has to prove he isn’t a completely broken asset and hold a lot of clipboards while he waits for his opportunity to get a random start and show he knows how to play football correctly.

So if you’re going to be a backup, you might as well get yourself a ring. Zach needs to experience what winning looks like and what going into a job where everyone is a professional and everyone is an accountable adult which is the opposite environment of the Jets where the starting quarterback won’t stop trying to get you to read Jordan Peterson’s book and the star cornerback leads the NFL in Tweets per minute.

Plus, Taylor Swift and Blake Lively are coming to all of your games. You keep your head on straight and you might end up dating a Haim sister¹.

2. Buffalo Bills

Coming out of college, Zach’s game was compared to Patrick Mahomes which are extremely unfair expectations to put on a player who is about to put on a Jets jersey. Needless to say, he didn’t become the next Mahomes.

And the Buffalo Bills have a big Mahomes problem. The best chance the Bills have to make a Super Bowl is hoping another team beats the Chiefs in the playoffs before the AFC Championship game so they don’t have to get embarrassed by them.

So Zach could serve as the scout team QB in practice pretending to be Mahomes so this defense is more prepared to deal with what’s coming on Sunday afternoon. I imagine Wilson would be better at emulating Mahomes’s game than like, Kyle Allen or whoever’s backing up Josh next season.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Baker Mayfield was a Top 10 quarterback next season and it would behoove Tampa Bay to bring him back long-term. They play in a division with the Saints, Falcons and Panthers. Baker is good enough to get you an automatic playoff seed and beat out these 3 stooges of franchises.

Buuuuuut, in the off chance last season was a fluke, I don’t mind Zach Wilson coming in and getting an opportunity to compete for the starting job and throw balls to Mike Evans (assuming he re-signs as well).

Also, I’m big on motivating yourself with spite and I assume Wilson and Bucs head coach, Todd Bowles have a lotttttt of New York Jets hate in their hearts they could drive them to 10 wins a year.

4. Carolina Panthers

Speaking of the shitty NFC South, let’s talk about the Carolina Panthers.

Now, I don’t wish David Tepper on anyone. He seems like the type of boss who will listen to your good idea and totally disregard it only to present it like his own original thought like, 5 minutes later. But there are only 32 teams in the NFL and Zach Wilson hasn’t done enough to be picky.

The Panther hired Dave Canales as their new coach after Canales rebuilt Geno Smith into an All-Star QB in Seattle and then rebuilt Baker Mayfield into an All-Star QB in Tampa Bay. I know Canales was hired to rebuild Bryce Young but maybe some of the magic trickles down into Zach Wilson and both he and Bryce can turn into something.

I thought the Jets ruined Geno Smith and now he’s the only thing making the Seattle Seahawks competitive every week. Dave Canales’s teachings are so advanced they can erase the Jets out of you. Zach Wilson, come to the fountain of Canales. Free yourself from the sins of your master.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers

I wanted to pick a team where Zach could go and just bet on himself to win a training camp battle and take the starting gig from Kenny Pickett who has been, at best, fine. Kenny Pickett is a perfectly average employee and there’s nothing wrong with that. But Zach Wilson can make some incredible throws and has shown flashes of greatness between pouting on the sidelines and being in the background of his mother’s angry IG stories.

The Steelers wouldn’t be doing anything for Zach as far as development goes. Mike Tomlin hasn’t been able to find one of those dorky offensive coordinators who draw plays on napkins all day long instead of these sweaty door-to-door salesmen who keep tricking Tomlin into purchasing new kitchen knives

No, this is all about Zach believing he’s good enough as is and can take this Steelers team to the next level—a Steelers team that always finishes above .500 regardless of who’s the QB. I’d like to imagine Zach Wilson can play better than Mason fucking Rudolph.

So go to Pittsburgh and take over the city. OR flame out, fail loudly and aggressively and end up in the XFL before it shuts down for the what? 4th time?

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.