5 NBA Players I Pray Are Just "Normal" This Season

There’s no such thing as normal. We are all unique beings just trying to make our way through planet Earth, doing the best we can.

And there’s nothing normal about being an NBA player. You travel across the country, showering with your coworkers every night and everyone you meet knows exactly how much money you make.

Most players find ways to be normal despite their abnormal profession. But some guys I just hope start acting normal this year.

Here are 5 NBA players I pray are just normal this season:

1. Ben Simmons

Every offseason, Ben Simmons proclaims he is back while drowning us in workout footage where he looks like god created him to play basketball.

BEN SIMMONS WORKOUT VIDS ARE BACK WOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/oor5hHIXqa

— Brooklyn Netcast (@BrooklynNetcast) September 17, 2024

Nice. Working on that sloooooooooow motion turn-around jumper.

Then the season starts, he scores 6 points and limps into the locker room before Shams reports he’s out indefinitely.

I’d love to see the All-Defensive Team Ben Simmons from Philly but Brooklyn isn’t trying to win games this year. They signed Killian fucking Hayes. It’s tank season.

Simmons is unfortunately stuck in an environment encouraging him to coast and the last thing Ben needs is more of a reason to wear funny outfits on the sidelines.

2. Kyrie Irving

Last season, the Miami Dolphins led the NFL in offense. After years of suffering annual freak injuries, Tua Tagovailoa was healthy and the Dolphins were a powerhouse.

Thennnnn he got concussed again this season and may never play again.

Last season, Kyrie Irving quietly had one of the best seasons of his career as the Mavs went to the NBA Finals.

It’d be silly to think Kyrie—who always has something contrarian to say—will be silent for another whole season. Israel sends out one more missile and Kyrie is sitting out the season opener in protest.

I like the moves Dallas made this offseason. Klay Thompson and Quentin Grimes are better than Derrick Jones Jr and Tim Hardaway, also Jr. The Mavs need Kyrie to stay focused just one more season. But in an election year? We’re like a week away from Kyrie dropping a Jewish slur on his Instagram story.

3. Draymond Green

Draymond is the only player in the league who will strangle another player completely unprovoked and then pretend as if any punishment after is oppression.

I don’t want to see clips of his awful podcast where he mumbles to himself for an hour, making exactly zero (0) interesting points while pretending as if what he does is important.

His voice is the sound of landscapers waking you up on a Saturday morning.

I am so glad TNT won’t have the NBA broadcasts anymore because every year, they invited Draymond on in hopes of grooming him into the next Charles Barkley and every year, he would give surface-level analysis, mock the players he’s gotten away with hitting and provide no value in any way.

Just set illegal screens for Steph and shut the fuck up. I’m begging.

4. Jonathan Isaac

I’m looking at Jonathan Isaac sideways now.

AJ Griffin just retired from basketball to focus on his faith.

It only took him 2 seasons to make this decision.

As long as I live, I will never forget the story of Jonathan Isaac inviting all of his Magic teammates to one of his church services and none of them went. Not a single one. Isaac should’ve become a full-time pastor that night.

Jonathan Isaac is entering his 7th year in the NBA. You love god so much? Why are you wasting your time dribbling? Go spread the gospel. Right now. Today. Retire.