thelesterlee
This week, Kyrie Irving officially demanded a trade from the Brooklyn Nets two weeks before the trade deadline. He refused to sign the contract extension he was offered and told Brooklyn he was leaving in free agency this summer if he was dealt swiftly.
Brooklyn doesn’t have to make a move—especially now that Kyrie told the world he’s leaving thus removing all leverage the Nets would have in a trade but Kyrie is also an alt-right Nazi, I mean “free thinker” so I’d imagine the Nets don’t mind bringing back cents on the dollar in this highly specific case.
Before we go any further, as a Knicks fan I can’t not mock the entire NBA media who tried to make fun of us for not signing Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving.
4 years later and the Nets have only won one more playoff series than the Knicks. Durant, Kyrie and James Harden have all demanded trades. They’ve fired two head coaches. The last man standing is going to be Ben Simmons.
Laugh out loud.
Anyway, here are 4 teams that should trade for Kyrie Irving:
1. Dallas Mavericks
Let’s start with the most obvious choice. Luka Doncic desperately needs a running mate which you will be reminded of any night the Knicks and Mavs both play and everyone and their mothers ask “How could Dallas let Jalen Brunson leave?”. *whispers* because Jalen’s dad is the Knicks coach. That’s literally it.
Luka Doncic leads the NBA in usage percentage which is a problem for a franchise guy who likes to play physically. It’s only February and I fear Luka won’t have anything left in the tank when the playoffs arrive.
Dallas attempted to find a ball handler off the clearance rack but Kemba Walker’s knees are made of wet paper towels so that didn’t totally work out.
Can you imagine how loud American Airlines Arena would get if Luka and Kyrie went back-to-back possessions hitting big 3’s because Luka finally has a second player on the roster capable of hitting perimeter jumpers off the dribble?
Plus, Spencer Dinwiddie gets to make his triumphant return to the Brooklyn Nets where he can spend so much more time with his fellow Crypto Bros.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves
Trading for Kyrie Irving is a mistake for 90% of the league and when it comes to mistake trades, no organization is more willing to give you their wallet than the Minnesota Timberwolves. Make eye contact on the subway with the Timberwolves and they’re handing you their watch, crying as they keep repeating “I don’t want any trouble. Just take it all”.
Anthony Edwards started this season in trouble for posting a homophobic Instagram story so I’m terrified of what would happen if he and Kyrie got to talking but I also believe Kyrie would never sign a contract in Minnesota so this trade would essentially be an apprenticeship for Ant. He gets to watch Kyrie perform in the playoffs and see how he prepares for these big games.
Maybe Kyrie can help Rudy Gobert fix his computer. Ya see, Rudy Gobert keeps getting spyware on his laptop from ‘doing his own research’ on Covid-19 so Kyrie can simply email him a Google Doc of all the *real* vaccine facts.
I guess I’m also sending D’Angelo Russell back to Brooklyn like Dinwiddie. It’s his best chance to ever get near an All-Star team again.
3. Los Angeles Clippers
Every insider is predicting a trade with the Los Angeles Lakers but I cannot imagine LeBron James attaching his brand to an anti-Semitic fake intellectual like Kyrie at this point in his career so why not the other team in town? LeBron is trying to make family-friendly movies like Space Jam. Kawhi Leonard has never seen a film.
The John Wall experiment didn’t work as it’s being reported the team is ready to waive him if they can’t strike a deal at the deadline. Shout out to the Clippers and Nets having absolutely no leverage in the trades they are desperately trying to make. “We want a first round pick for Wall….or wait like, 3 weeks and sign him yourself if you want”.
My only fear of this trade is how annoying the media will be about this team. Half of the NBA landscape will declare the Clippers as an unstoppable force while the other half zags the other way and calls the Clippers a massive failure for acquiring Kawhi and Paul George and not winning 500 NBA titles.
But when it comes to the NBA, I choose chaos.
4. Chicago Bulls
Over the summer, Zach LaVine signed a 5-year $215 max contract and since then, LaVine has fought with the coaching staff while the Bulls wade around the play-in game.
Trading for Kyrie could instantly erase the mistake of giving LaVine a max contract. It wouldn’t even matter if Kyrie didn’t sign with the Bulls after the season. They get to escape 5 years of LaVine nursing random injuries and arguing with coaches.
Kyrie Irving is a massive hypocrite who constantly posts Alex Jones, Jordan Peterson and other conspiracy theory, incel, right-wing garbage while simultaneously always refusing to elaborate on any of the bullshit he promotes because he only cares about hooping. Sure.
Well, he’d be joining forces with DeMar DeRozan who might be the most ‘hoops-only’ player in the NBA. Like, I’m not even sure I know what DeRozan’s voice sounds like. All he cares about is midrange buckets.
Kyrie deserves to be sent to a franchise no one enjoys talking about. Like the Bulls.
Which team do you think should make the Kyrie Irving trade? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
