in Lists, MLB

2023 MLB Power Rankings: The Phillies Absolutely Stink and the Braves Do Not

phillies stink

We’re a week into the 2023 MLB season and not many things are clear yet but there is one obvious outcome thus far: the Philadelphia Phillies stink at baseball.

 

Here are your MLB Power Rankings:

1. Atlanta Braves

Record: 6-1

Ranking Last Week: 3

The Braves are coming off a 7-6 victory over the previous no. 1 on these Power Rankings so having the most wins in baseball and beating the prior best team will get you to that top spot. That Padres win was a huge statement for shortstop Orlando Arcia, who hit a homer in the 2nd inning and a walk-off single in the 9th.

The last time the Braves beat the Padres in their home opener via a walk-off was with their former franchise shortstop, Dansby Swanson.

Atlanta miiiiight fall down these rankings after losing their Ace, Max Fried, earlier this week. They’ll need to rely on rookies like Jared Shuster and Dylan Dodd but the Braves find 20 game winners like people find pennies in the cup holders in their cars.

2. New York Yankees

Record: 4-2

Ranking Last Week: 5

We are dangerously close to my team being in the top spot and me finally being able to stop pretending to be objective and fair and blah blah. The Yankees are casually winning games with most of their best pitchers on the injured list. Don’t need them. Gerrit Cole is 2-0 with a 0.73 ERA and 19 Ks. This team is one injury away from Cole just pitching every other day.

The craziest thing about watching the Yankees is how frequently they’re stealing bases. For years, the only player on this team even capable of stealing 2nd was Brett Gardner, may he rest in peace, but now this team is 3rd in stolen bases and you know when a player gets to first base, they’ll be sliding into 2nd before the opposing team even considers it as an option.

3. Los Angeles Dodgers

Record: 5-2

Ranking Last Week: 7

The LA Dodgers have the biggest point differential in the National League after beating the brakes off the Rockies and Diamondbacks to start this season. Things might get interesting when the NL West realizes that the 2023 MLB season has started but until then, the Dodgers can play with their food.

Also, quick shout out to Trayce Thompson for his 3 homer game. Love when 32 year olds suddenly become power hitters and we pretend like it’s not the thing that it definitely is.

4. Toronto Blue Jays

Record: 4-3

Ranking Last Week: 8

I’ll be honest, I don’t see the Blue Jays being a Top 5 team when the season is over. But for the time being, they get to hang with the top teams solely thanks to the dominance of Matt Chapman—who would be the no-brainer MVP if the season ended today. Praying the season doesn’t end today though because like, that would mean some massive tragedy happened and I’m still recovering from Trevor Bauer winning that Mickey Mouse Cy Young.

Chapman leads the league in hits and doubles already. And with zero homers, Chapman is going full John Olerud.

5. Tampa Bay Rays

Record: 6-0

Ranking Last Week: 10

Soooo, the Devil Rays have decided not to lose any games this season. You’d think more teams would enter the year with this strategy. I reckon it helps playing against the Tigers and Nationals—two teams who have absolutely no desire to win a championship this season and are just stealing their fans money.

Wander Franco is quickly emerging as one of the best players in the league which means this is his final season in Tampa Bay. Franco is batting .417 with 7 RBIs and 10 hits already to start the year. He might be the best shortstop in the game.

6. San Diego Padres

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 1

Signing a guy to an 11-year $280 million contract and having that guy immediately start that season on a 6-game hitting streak is like, the best case scenario. Xander Bogaerts will be a daily reminder that the Boston Red Sox front office is full of very unserious people.

Oh, and he also has 3 homers and 21 total bases. He leads the team in almost every statistical category. Just wait until Juan Soto gets busy or when Fernando Tatis Jr comes back. Look at me, lifelong Padres fan.

 

7. New York Mets

opening day

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 2

Justin Verlander hasn’t pitched an inning yet. The future of their franchise, Brett Baty, suffered a thumb injury on the same thumb he had surgery on in the past. And Max Scherzer is out there throwing fucking BEACH BALLS to hitters giving up 8 runs in 2 starts including 3 straight homers to the Brewers.

Thankfully Kodai Senga is even better than expected. See, there’s a positive thing about the Mets.

8. Minnesota Twins

Record: 4-2

Ranking Last Week: 11

The Twins started this season against the Royals and Marlins. I say that to say, I have not watched a single inning of the Twins because I am not watching the Royals and Marlins. The only thing I’ll add to the Twins is how hilarious it is that Joey Gallo is off to a hot start.

Gallo beat the shit out of the ROYALS AND MARLINS. Cool. Enjoy this early success before he goes on a grueling strike out spree that will make you hate him and then soon feel terrible for him as he mopes back to the dugout with his self-esteem in shambles.

9. Milwaukee Brewers

Record: 5-1

Ranking Last Week: 12

As mentioned earlier, I don’t find myself watching the Marlins play baseball these days but perhaps I should’ve had my eye on them because they were holding third baseman, Brian Anderson, hostage for the first 6 years of his career.

Brian Anderson is batting .500 with 3 homers, 10 RBIs and slugging 1.056. He had a 2 homer, 6 RBI game against the Mets. The Brewers are good and that’s thanks to Brian Anderson’s bat.

10. Cleveland Guardians

Record: 5-2

Ranking Last Week: 13

I was not prepared to have comments about the Cleveland Guardians this early in the season. Was not expecting them to be a Top 10 team. If there are any Guardians fans reading these power rankings, I promise to have some really nerdy shit to say about them. Advanced metrics and all that garbage.

11. Los Angeles Angels

anthony rendon

Record: 4-2

Ranking Last Week: 14

The Angels are doing well considering they have to play against both their opponents AND Anthony Rendon every game as Rendon has started this season hitless and now suspended after he treated to fight an A’s fan who booed.  Anthony Rendon won a World Series, signed a 7-year $245 million contract and stopped giving all shits about hitting baseballs. He unlocked all the game achievements and now everything he accomplishes after that will be accidental.

12. Texas Rangers

Record: 4-2

Ranking Last Week: 15

Look what can happen when you don’t have a front office full of people who think they have the ultimate job security so they make silly and lazy decisions because there are no consequences to their failures.

13. San Francisco Giants

Record: 3-3

Ranking Last Week: 17

The Giants probably aren’t good enough to be in the Top 15 but hey, you take a game from the Yankees in the Bronx and you have my attention. Also, love that they signed Gary Sanchez to a minor league contract. I am (Im)patiently waiting for the return of the best power hitting catcher who is capable of having the most impressive and the least impressive swings in the same at-bat.

14. St. Louis Cardinals

Record: 2-4

Ranking Last Week: 6

I reallyyy thought the Cards would be a powerhouse this season which is still possible but starting the year in last place of a terrible NL Central isn’t the best look. The bats are doing their thing. Paul Goldschmidt still in MVP form.

But man, do they not know how to pitch. Miles Mikolas has given up 10 runs in 9 innings pitched. Not great for the Ace of the squad.

15. Seattle Mariners

Record: 2-5

Ranking Last Week: 9

I’ll be honest, I don’t have a Mariners take yet. They’re in last place but they don’t feel like a last place team yet I have nothing especially positive nor negative to say about them. Perhaps it’s too early to write these power rankings and I’ve put myself in a hole but YOU PEOPLE need your daily content so blah.

16. Chicago Cubs

Record: 2-3

Ranking Last Week: 16

Cody Bellinger and Eric Hosmer are a combined 9-for-37 at the plate (.243).  Also Marcus Stroman committing the first pitch clock violation of the season is hilarious because he is the most online player in the league which means he saw all of the violations in spring training and was probably more aware of it than most major league pitchers yet still took the first L.

Love the Cubs becoming the home of players trying (and failing) to save their waning careers. Jameson Taillon went out there and give up 7 hits in 4 innings to the Brewers. The Cubs are the elephant graveyard of MLB.

17. Chicago White Sox

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 21

The best player on the team, Eloy Jimenez, was just placed on the injured list with a hamstring injury. I mean, that’s not good for the White Sox, right?

18. Baltimore Orioles

Record: 3-3

Ranking Last Week: 19

Turns out, Adley Rutschman is the best catcher in the history of history.

19. Boston Red Sox

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 20

Here’s a clip of Chris Sale getting ROCKED:

Never forget when Chris Sale cut up all of the White Sox jerseys because he simply did not want to wear throwbacks. This sociopath’s failures are my successes.

20. Pittsburgh Pirates

Record: 4-2

Ranking Last Week: 24

Last season, Aaron Judge had the best contract year in MLB history. This season, it appears as though Bryan Reynolds is attempting to one-up Judge as he is leading the NL in homers and OPS as the Pirates refuse to give him the big deal he deserves.

21. Cincinnati Reds

Record: 3-2

Ranking Last Week: 23

Meet Jason Vosler, a guy on the Reds getting hits and shit.

22. Arizona Diamondbacks

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 18

The Diamondbacks role for the 2023 season is to be a thorn in the Dodgers and Padres paws. I don’t see them finishing above .500 but I do see them exhausting the Dodgers bullpen in a 15-inning game that ruins their relievers for their next series.

23. Miami Marlins

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 22

Sandy Alcantara pitched a 1-0 shutout against the Twins that took 1 hour and 57 minutes. Maybe I will watch Marlins games if they’re shorter than Disney movies.

24. Kansas City Royals

Record: 1-6

Ranking Last Week: 25

If Salvador Perez, Zach Greinke and Aroldis Chapman can discover the fountain of youth then the Royals might be able to win 25 games this year.

25. Colorado Rockies

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 26

The Rockies might lowkey have their own little bash brothers in Kris Bryant and CJ Cron. I think this will be the lowest spot the Rockies find themselves in all season. I’m sorry, I wasn’t familiar with their game.

26. Detroit Tigers

Record: 2-5

Ranking Last Week: 27

For me, this season is all about seeing if former no. 1 overall draft pick, Spencer Torkelson, can compete at the highest level consistently. And see if he can overcome one of the lamest names in MLB history.

27. Oakland Athletics

Record: 2-4

Ranking Last Week: 29

The Oakland Coliseum has the capacity to seat 56,000 fans. On Tuesday, 3,407 people were in attendance. It’s over for the Oakland A’s. This team literally cannot stay here because when you choose to be cheap and mediocre for a decade, fans stop giving you their time and money. There are more people in the team dugouts than there are in the stands watching. Oakland A’s games have become open mics.

28. Washington Nationals

Record: 1-5

Ranking Last Week: 28

Washington started this season against the Rays and the Braves. Laugh out loud. Washington is going to have 5 wins when April is over.

29. Houston Astros

Record: 3-4

Ranking Last Week: 30

Fuck the Houston Astros.

30. Philadelphia Phillies

Record: 1-5

Ranking Last Week: 4

Easily the biggest fall from grace thus far. It’s as if the Phillies lost the World Series last year and then didn’t even think about baseball until opening day 2023 and now they’re catching up to every team.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.

RECOMMENDED:

2023 MLB Season Awards Predictions

5 MLB Storylines We Gotta Talk About This Week: Anthony Rendon is BIG Mad

2023 MLB Power Rankings: Opening Day

 

Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

bill belichick mac jones

Bill Belichick is Sabotaging Mac Jones’s Career
quentin grimes

Quentin Grimes is HIM