Super Bowl 60, the Seatlle Seahawks win another ring after beating the New England Patriots 29-13 in a snoozefest of a game sandwiched between nonstop crypto and gambling ads.
I ate some mozzarella sticks, watched Bad Bunny bring the house down and was in bed by 11. What a night.
Super Bowl 60 is the grandest event of the year, and with every big event, there are winners and there are certainly losers.
Let’s start with the biggest winners of Super Bowl 60:
1. Kenneth Walker III
The first running back to win the Super Bowl MVP in the 21st century—27 carries for 135 rushing yards. In the absence of his running back coworker, Zach Charbonnet, Kenneth Walker, in the biggest game of the year, planted his flag as one of the best running backs in the NFL—and more importantly, the best running back on the Seattle Seahawks.
Kenneth Walker finds space for 30 yards!
Super Bowl LX on NBC
Stream on @NFLPlus + Peacock pic.twitter.com/IsQkiEskFp— NFL (@NFL) February 9, 2026
Kenneth Walker III ball in his chest, Crosby behind the net, surveying the landscape, processing the data, patient, waiting for his simulation to print out the best possible outcome, then, suddenly, surging through an opening most running backs would’ve already been tackled before witnessing.
Sometimes, that’s a tackle for a loss.
But when Kenneth Walker gets time to scan, and his offensive line starts rotating D-Linemen, Seattle in 2nd and 3rd and short, walking up and down the field like an assistant coach pretending to look busy.
2. Dark Side
The Legion of Boom were cute or whatever but the Dark Side is loaded with killers.
6 sacks, 2 interceptions, 11 QB hits, 6 pass deflections, forced fumble/recovery and 2 defensive touchdowns.
PACK EM UPPPPPPP
Here’s 2nd year DL Byron Murphy explaining the Dark Side nickname last week:
“We just wanted to branch off and have our own name. How I’d describe the Darkside is, we just want to bring pain to you in any way possible, whether you’ve got the ball or if you don’t have the ball”.
The Seattle Seahawks defense just wants to “bring pain to you” (in any way possible), demonstrating their seriousness against the Patriots 2 rookie offensive linemen, Will Campbell and Jared Wilson.
Derick Hall gets to Drake Maye for the sack! Loss of 10.
Super Bowl LX on NBC
Stream on @NFLPlus + Peacock pic.twitter.com/Hnpk4q0eUt— NFL (@NFL) February 8, 2026
This defense was not about to put their championship hopes in the hands of Sam fucking Darnold.
3. Matthew Stafford
Drake Maye finished the game with 295 yards and 2 touchdowns.
On paper, great game by the MVP runner-up.
Except 235 of those passing yards, as well as those two touchdown passes, came in the 4th quarter, long after the game was competitive.
Through the first 3 quarters, Drake Maye recorded only 60 passing yards and lost a fumble.
You know who wouldn’t have been held scoreless all game? MVP QB Matthew Stafford.
Drake Maye had a cool year for the boys who work at the whites-only Barstool Sports offices but in the biggest game of the season, he played like he just had the same week as Rose Byrne in If I Had Legs I’d Kick You.
4. Jordon Hudson
Over the weekend, Bill Belichick and his attack dog/brand manager/agent/honeypot, Jordon Hudson, wore a t-shirt to a North Carolina basketball game with the name of the strip mall happy ending spot in Florida, where Patriots owner Robert Kraft left in handcuffs waiting for a sex trafficked stoyaway to turn him over.
Both Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft, unable to make the Hall of Fame on their first year on the ballot despite carrying the NFL on their back for nearly two decades, now, terrified-of-aging weirdos, obsessed with younger women and most importantly, obsessed with each other—Robert Kraft attempting to erase Belichick from Patriots history—Belichick believing it’s a good idea for his child bride to draw more attention on their silly, frivilious relationship/brand building exercise.
5. Sam Darnold
Sam Darnold ended last season losing 9-22 to the Los Angeles Rams in the 2nd round—turned the ball over twice, evaporating under Super Bowl expectations.
His flaw imminent—a desperate desire to singlehandedly make plays without the talent to match his aggressiveness.
The Patriots blitzed on 70% of their first-quarter plays. Y’all were cowboy cosplaying with Kid Rock while the Patriots were in camo, sneaking around the woods, huntong for QBs—Darnold season in Seattle.
A conveyor belt of opportunities to making game-wrecking plays, Sam Darnold dodged every bullet, played a smart, safe game, won a chip. Game, blouses.
Sam Darnold is a Super Bowl champion, throwing for 202 yards and a touchdown pass.
Darnold’s achieved something only a handful of men ever have. J
osh Allen and Lamar Jackson can trade MVP trophies back and forth every year, Darnold is a champion.
6. Strength of Schedule
The New England Patriots went 14-3 this season, beating up on the weak and downtrodden all year. America’s team, for real.
New England had the easiest schedule, stat padding against teams barely capable of fielding 22 professional football players.
New England played just 4 games against teams that finished the season with a winning record.
They went 2-2 in those games.
I hope everyone in that locker room and all the fans enjoyed New England’s magic bye to the Super Bowl this season.
That’s never happening again.
7. Jason Myers
Everyone knows the old adage, field goals win championships.
Hitting a record 5 in the Super Bowl, Seahawks kicker, Jason Myers, will live in the history books forever.
A generation of children will grow up wearing Jason Meyers jerseys, rushing to try out for their school’s JV team, attempting to become the next great NFL placekicker.
Carefully, he’s a hero.
8. Bad Bunny
All eyes on Bad Bunny. In the center of a manufactured culture war, simply because he speaks another language.
Bad Bunny had to put up a 50-point triple-double, and did.
No idea what he was saying but I had no idea what Bruce Springsteen was saying that one year.
But Bad Bunny isn’t a winner for having a good performance. He was always going to have a good performance. That’s like his whole thing.
Bad Bunny is a winner for putting on the most Spanish halftime show ever without any real consequences from a Trump adminstration only getting out of bed in the morning for retribution against their manufactured enemies of the day.
Perhaps they’re more focused on sweeping up this Jeffrey Epstein under the rug, Ghislaine Maxwell set to testify today, Bad Bunny with the smooth strutaway as the credits roll.
9. Losers
Losers got what they wanted. Too-online geeks desperate to re-mold American culture into 4chan, giving all of their money and attention to the widow of a neckless corpse who earned a living arguing with teenagers.
You got to watch Kid Rock lip-sync his dogshit meth tunes while Bad Bunny crushed the real, actual Super Bowl 60 halftime show.
You played with the fake controller not hooked up to the Xbox and crushed it, congrat.
10. AI Execs
It must be the dream job working as an executive for an AI company.
Your office floors flooded with the billions of investment dollars, for a product that essentially just does spell check, often inaccurately—carrying the entire American economy on the hypothetical speculation of AI’s capabilities—granting them the expendible cash to shower the Super Bowl with the most expensive ads, convincing more people that AI is vital when in reality, it’s a tool to help a handful of white collars do spreedsheets a little quicker.
What a life.
11. Lauren Boebert
Lauren Boebert got the best 11 seconds of sex of her life once Kid Rock got backstage, huffing and puffing, barely able to stand after lip-syncing the worst songs anyone’s ever heard.
Ah, to be the homecoming king and queen.
And now, onto the Losers…
1. Will Campbell
Next Gen Stats attributed 14 QB Pressures Allowed to Will Campbell in Super Bowl LX – the most pressures allowed by any player in a game this season (including playoffs)@NextGenStats
— Jack Andrade (@RealJackAndrade) February 9, 2026
Going into last year’s draft, fear loomed over Will Campbell’s abnormally short arms.
The Seattle Seahawks defense took turns running him over.
You never want to leave a Super Bowl as the objective worst player on the field, but at a certain point, the Patriots may have had a better chance with Will Campbell wearing a ball cap on the sidelines. Mike Vrabel could’ve kept Drake Maye on his feet, I know that.
2. Mike Vrabel
Much like this game crystallizing Matthew Stafford’s MVP, Super Bowl 60 also highlighted how silly that Mike Vrabel coach of the year was.
Coach of the Year is a trophy given to a new hire responsible for cleaning up his predessors office the best but the 2025 COY sure waved the white flag in the second half, punting on 4th and 1 at midfield in the 4th quarter. Not going for 2 points after the touchdown. A real conservative game, no sense of urgency from this offense.
When you have Christian Gonzalez out there, you expect to get a big turnover at some point, the Patriots secondary putting every previous QB through hell leading to the Super Bowl but the gameplan failed.
Seattle won.
(Sean McVay would’ve scored some fucking touchdowns before garbage time)
3. Drake Maye
Drake Maye is 23 years old, one of the youngest starting QBs in Super Bowl history.
Played like it.
One of the all time worst performances by a starting QB in the Super Bowl. Rex Grossman levels of incompetence. Drake Maye made Kerry Collins look like Patrick Mahomes.
Mike Tirico: “Cris, all of a sudden, there’s a rhythm to the New England offense…”
Cris Collinsworth: “[Drake Maye] is reading the defense now… a couple of the best plays that he’s had so far…”
*Interception*
Collinsworth: “Ummmm, I’ve got nothing for you here.” pic.twitter.com/AKlEONFhzy
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) February 9, 2026
Look at this uncrustable he lobbed into triple coverage.
P.U.
As mentioned earlier, he’s young with plenty of NFL career ahead of him.
And I pray he never makes another Super Bowl. Truly one of the most boring games of all time, Maye panicked and awkward—we need Joe Burrow healthy, man.
4. Stefon Diggs
Jobe PUNCHED Stefon Diggs and refs ignored it 😭😭😭
— LakeShowYo (@LakeShowYo) February 9, 2026
- 3 catches for 37 yards.
- Punched in the face.
- L.
- Broken up with Cardi B
- On his way to court after accusations of strangling the BBL model he pays to live at his house.
Stefon Diggs truly the biggest loser of Super Bowl 60.
5. Puka Nakua
Not sure whether Puka attempted to mock or celebrate Sam Darnold but I’m willing to eliminate any Adin Ross friends from the planet.
6. Losers
The Losers got their corny halftime show, but they’re still losers at the end of the day. If you disrupted a Super Bowl party to make people watch Kid Rock karaoke at the Klan convention, you are a loser. Yesterday and tomorrow too.
7. Sam Darnold
A chance to establish himself among the league’s best QBs, a dominant performance from Darnold instantly puts him in Top 5 convos. Justin Herbert, Trevor Lawrence, CJ Stroud, Jordan Love, hot potating that 5th spot, no one able to rise to the performance level required to tattoo their name amongst the league’s best.
The Patriots defense gets credit for preventing Sam from taking over but with the game so solidly in Seattle’s hands all night, I would’ve loved for Sam to take some real shots downfield, make the game interesting, turn himself into a star.
But Sam Darnold made this win about Seattle. Good for him.
Congrats to white Jalen Hurts.
8. Robert Kraft
You never want your name appearing in Jeffrey Epstein emails the same week the team you own gets obliterated in the Super Bowl, in front of all the illegal Chinese sex workers.
You also don’t want the media class pointing and laughing at your wack ass antisemitism commercials.
Robert Kraft has a bajillion dollars so whatever but I hope he enjoys his final winter. The grim reaper soon cometh, I pray.
9. The cast of Palm Royale
Hey man, Ricky Martin sang at the Super Bowl with Bad Bunny.
Everyone else in the Palm Royale cast has 365 days to respond.
Kristin Wiig needs to sing at the closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics.
I need Allison Janney competing in the NBA dunk contest.
Laura Dern, when are you leading the first lap of Daytona?
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