Got some predictions right, knew WWE wasn’t about to push Jericho’s wheelchair down the ramp for a surprise entrant but I mostly got every prediction wrong—Bianca Belair seemingly needing a finger amputated if she ever thinks about returning to the fake fighting show.
I’m just bitter Bianca wasn’t there. If you’re reading this, get well soon.
Why would Bianca Belair be reading this?
Seriously, if you’re reading this, Bianca, seek help or treatment. Things aren’t okay if Deadseriousness is in your palm.
[Legal Disclaimer: Reading Deadseriousness is a totally normal and healthy way to spend one’s time.]
Anyway, here are the biggest winners and losers of the 2026 Royal Rumble:
Winners
1. AJ Styles
WWE’s showered AJ Styles in praise, allowing him a retirement tour against Shinsuke Nakumra, a championship match with CM Punk and now a retirement against Gunther.
But AJ refused to officially hang them up—electing to keep his gear, celebrate one last time for the shieks and potentially have his final match elsewhere.
I think he’s done wrestling and AEW couldn’t pay him enough to land on his neck over and over in a Kenny Omega match in England, a place AJ doesn’t feel like traveling to.
But it’s always good to keep the door open instead of giving WWE control over your career’s finale.
2. Roman Reigns
Roman talked shit about the company’s creative direction, beat Gunther—the wrestler who just made the entire audience go silent strangling Styles to death—so he could win the championship again and put the company back upon his shoulders—while still maintaining his part-time status, only showing up when he needs a check for a new car or he needs to stand next to Heyman so Paul can sell the fight as Roman’s teeth put on an Academy Award winning performance.
Heist completed.
3. Lash Legend
If WWE could fuse Lash Legend and Jade Cargill into one superstar, they would. One less black person on the payroll.
Vince would smile up from hell. “That works for me, brother,” Hulk giving the thumbs up behind him, Chris Benoit putting women into the crippler crossface for eternity.
4. Matt Cardona
Nothing Zach Ryder wanted more than an invite to the party. I assume Cardona’s flew himself to Saudi Arabia for all WWE live events, hoping to pretend to bump into Triple H at the airport and stumble his way into a surprise appearance. Mr. Green didn’t need to eliminate anyone or look tough or even appear to have a gimmick, he just wanted to be there. Congrats.
5. AAA
I reckon search traffic is up for Mr. Iguana and La Parka, fans watching unsure why they’re supposed to care about these performers, post-Google search, still unsure why they’re supposed to care about these performers.
But any press is good press and WWE used this Royal Rumble to improve their relationship with AAA—at the cost of anyone who came to see a legend return or any interesting surprise at all.
La Parka. And not even the WCW one. Some other guy in his costume.
I’d honestly rather have seen Chavo Guerrero Jr run down the ring. That’s like, the whole point of this show.
Good for NXT: Mexico, I mean AAA.
6. Charlotte Flair and Becky Lynch
Any time Charlotte and Becky can escape Wrestlemania season without creative forcing them into wins that inevitably turn the audience against them, fatigue from years of seeing them bury opponents on company orders.
Charlotte won last year and fans wanted her head next to Ned Stark’s. This year, she was one of the main characters early but fell to the background, allowing Lash Legend and Liv Morgan to shine.
Becky didn’t do much but honestly, less is more for her.
8. The Traitors
I shouldn’t say there were no surprises. Two contestants from Season 3 of The Traitors appeared, Nikki and Brie Bella, giving a little reunion special for the Saudis.
9. Aleister Black and Rusev
Nothing better than getting paid not to work. Black and Rusev work, like, 3 times a year, making more money than entire states’ education budgets.
11. AEW
Everyone in that locker room who believes their spot on the card would improve if they signed with WWE can look at the 2026 Royal Rumble as the shot of adrenaline that wakes them up from their coke dreams. Aleister Black and Rusev were in catering. Powerhouse Hobbs debuted to radio silence. Ricky Starks and Mariah May didn’t even get called.
Losers
1. Sami Zayn
Sami Zayn, 0-time World Champion.
2. WWE Legends
Since 2018, women called into Vince’s hotel where he’d “accidentally” walk out with his robe open, were able to pass Go! every January, collecting a free “please, don’t tell anyone” check to appear in the Royal Rumble.
WWE, having more money than ever before, not spending a single dime of it on any legends. Carlito got a multi-year deal off a Rumble pop.
3. Chelsea Green
Often using the Royal Rumble as a showcase of her character work, Chelsea Green, a civilian in this match, no moments or meaningful interactions. Just fodder. That Matt Cardona stink on her already.
4. Logan Paul
Just a fucking dweeb.
5. Bron Breakker
Triple H is so funny, man. He will make wrestlers crawl through glass, walk to Harlem to buy him a jelly donut, pledge their loyalty in blood—before he lets them win a championship without shenanigans.
On paper, Bron Breakker wins the Rumble, gets his big Mania title win, Punk passes the torch—you build the show around Bron Breakker.
Nope, hooded assailant gimmick, Bron knocked out of the Rumble before it starts—Breakker trapped in Harranhal seing visions with Daemon Targaryen.
6. Chris Jericho
For the first time in years, people actually wanted to see Chris Jericho and he wasn’t there. Nothing Jericho does in WWE will have as big a reaction as his Royal Rumble entrance would’ve.
Dang.
If you enjoyed what you read, head over to our Substack. We’ve got more content making fun of the ridiculous world we live in, sent directly to your email inbox daily.
Follow us over on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
