13 Winners and Losers of 2023 NFL Wild Card Weekend

We just wrapped up the 2023 NFL Wild Card Weekend and there were some winners and there were absolutely some losers. It was freezing everywhere. Taylor Swift swagged surfed.

Let’s start with the winners of 2023 NFL Wild Card Weekend:

1. Joe Flacco

Sure, the Browns lost but Joe Flacco can walk away from this season feeling like a winner. My man was sitting on his back patio chain smoking cigarettes when he decided to say fuck it and save the Cleveland Browns season.

Flacco went 4-1 in the regular season and helped steady the ship after every other QB on the roster got injured.

He also played well enough to maybe sneak back onto the Browns next season and get into a hilarious QB battle with Deshaun Watson in training camp. Oneeee last quick paycheck before he returns to the woods to die under the big tree like the family dog.

2. The Haters

The Eagles lost? The Cowboys lost too??!? LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

3. Cam Newton

The NFL media was laughing their ass off when Cam Newton went on his podcast and called Brock Purdy, Tua Tagovailoa and Dak Prescott “game managers”. They mocked and dunked on him as if it was such an irrational, CTE-inspired take to say Tua and Dak are not dynamic game-changing quarterbacks.

And look at that, both the Dolphins and Cowboys are eliminated from the playoffs. Both teams desperately needed their QBs to step up and do anything to save their seasons and they couldn’t do it. Dak Prescott is balding from all these years of scraping his head against his own talent ceiling.

4. Rashee Rice

All year, the Chiefs desperately needed a star wide receiver. Perhaps, maybe a Tyreek Hill-type player. Ah, I wonder what that would look like. Could you imagine a guy like Tyreek catching deep balls from Patrick Mahomes??

Fortunately, rookie wide receiver, Rashee Rice, has decided to finish the season with All-Pro production. Here’s the streak Rice has been on:

Week 15: 9 catches, 91 yards, 1 TD
Week 16: 6 catches, 57 yards
Week 17: 5 catches, 127 yards
Wild Card: 8 catches, 130 yards, 1 TD

Rashee Rice is a superstar in the making! 🔥pic.twitter.com/1qD3xNd5Jf

— Brad Henson Productions (@BradHensonPro) January 14, 2024

5. The laboratory in Wisconsin where they manufacture Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks

Brett Favre.

Aaron Rodgers.

And now Jordan Love.

Let’s all enjoy the next 13-15 years of Jordan Love before the side effects of Green Bay’s QB experiments kick in and Love suddenly becomes a narcissistic sociopath who robs an entire state of their welfare funds or tries to burn the CDC to the ground.

6. Matt Patricia

Death.

Taxes.

Matt Patricia standing on an NFL sideline scribbling on a lamented playsheet with a dull no. 2 pencil without a single thought in his head just getting direct deposits despite having no understanding of the game of football.

The Eagles gave him playcalling responsibilities halfway through the season and the team stopped winning games. Interesting coincidence.

But he’ll be back on another sideline next year. The house always wins and Matt Patricia is the (size of a) house.

7. San Francisco 49ers

Here are the remaining teams left in the NFC: Detroit, Tampa Bay and Green Bay.

The San Francisco 49ers are about to sleepwalk to the Super Bowl.

8. Bryce Young

Jared Goff was drafted no. 1 overall by the Rams and just took revenge on the team that traded him away for Matthew Stafford. Baker Mayfield was drafted no. 1 by Cleveland and the Buccaneers took a flyer on him only for Baker to lead them to the second round of the playoffs.

Bryce Young is awful. But we’re seeing former no. 1 picks flourish in new environments. Get this man out of Carolina ASAP.

And now onto the Losers…

1. Deshaun Watson

Not only did an elderly man take Deshaun Watson’s team to the playoffs and that old man will most likely be back next season haunting him but his former team, the Houston Texans, just beat his ass with their new star QB.

CJ Stroud is everything Deshaun pretended to be. Stroud is a god-fearing man who seems like he genuinely cares about other people and doesn’t even like massages.

2. Kelly Stafford

Every time Matt Stafford’s wife pops up on my timeline, it’s always some blonde lady tears. Earlier this year, Kelly was crying about Blueface bringing strippers with him to the Rams game. Boo hoo. Won’t somebody think of all the children at the game who had to look up from all the boobs on their phones to see boobs in real life.

And now she’s complaining about her and her children being booed in Detroit. That’s so crazy the fans of the home team don’t like the opposing team’s quarterback and his family. Especially when the opposing team’s QB used to play there and won a Super Bowl immediately after he left.

I wish I could live in Kelly Stafford’s world where being wealthy and famous enough to trick people into listening to my boring ass podcast isn’t enough to stop me from whining and complaining like I am a victim of some brutal oppression.

3. This Tua shit

Tua is who Tua is. After this weekend, I pray we never have to debate what Tua Tagovailoa is capable of because he made it loud and clear. EVERYTHING has to be perfect for Tua to succeed, including forces outside of anyone’s control like the weather.

Perhaps down the road, Tua can have a magical, unexpected run like Baker Mayfield is doing down the road in Tampa but yea, building an entire offense around Tua’s weak ass arm isn’t going to beat Patrick Mahomes. Tua has the arm strength of a newborn baby. We’re done debating this shit.

4. NFC East coaches

Washington fired Ron Rivera.

Nick Sirianni is hours away from being an abusive local middle school football coach who forces kids to play through concussions and fights the other team’s coach after the game for some perceived slight like he didn’t shake his hand the right way.

Mike McCarthy is secretly helping his former organization beat the Cowboys.

Brian Daboll just had a Game of Thrones moment with his defensive coordinator.

The NFC East is in shambles.