Failed Cokehead MLB Pitcher Finds Perfect Cokehead Career

Matt Harvey was The Promised That Was Promised. He led the New York Mets to the 2015 World Series. He was the king of New York. But unfortunately, he enjoyed the perks of being the king of New York a little too much. Mostly just the cocaine.

I’ll never forget that day he pitched with his nose literally leaking from the night before.

Matt Harvey literally having coke nose bleeds on the mound and the Wilpons and Sandy Alderson were like LOL Dark Knight yo pic.twitter.com/YYStBpZ02M

— Doug Rowan (@DouglasRowan) February 15, 2022

My man was staying up all night and driving to the ballpark like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas to pitch 7 innings as quickly as possible so he can hit the streets again that same night. New York legend.

Obviously, his career fell off a cliff, ya know, with all the drugs and everything. But after being spit out of baseball, Matt Harvey has landed on his feet. He currently works for one of the biggest real estate firms in the world.

“I’ve always been interested in the many different aspects of real estate. By joining an incredibly successful firm such as Newmark, I will be able to learn and grow from some of the best in the industry.”

I am so happy for Harvey.

This is the perfect job for the lifestyle he’s accustomed to. All he has to do is be charming in meetings. use his star power to get more clients, go out to happy hour and celebrate with a clientele who has access to freshly delivered coke right off the boat.

The only bad news is how committed he is to his new job as it has apparently cost him his relationship. He and his model girlfriend, Monica Clarke, have broken up because Harvey—for the first time in his life—actually cares about his job.

Finally, Matt Harvey has no pressure. Millions of people aren’t watching him sweat out the Ciroc from the night before. He’s in New York City real estate. Every single person he interacts with has plans on buying up the city. Harvey has zero pressure there. He literally can’t fail. Plus, he’s finally surrounded by guys who pull out their little baggies before he does.

Sure, it sucks his relationship didn’t work out but he’ll be fine. For his ex, the breakup was a week ago but Harvey hasn’t slept since they ended things so in his mind, he’ll deal with it tomorrow. Well, whenever he runs out of coke and he has to actually sleep and have a tomorrow.

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